Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Response to Junk Mail: Cougar on the Prowl

Hi Steve, how re you doing? my name is Shelsa.. im single with three kids.. i am a fun loving woman..i ve been single for 3 years now looking for a honest man to have a serious relationship and more..i like your profile and i would like to get to know u better if you don't mind...you contact me on here or email me on rshelsa@yahoo.com .. i hope to hear from you very soon..
..
Shelsa.. 



Three kids huh? You've really got to learn a thing or two about salesmanship.

Good luck out there,
-Steve

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Awesome Video of Guy Asking White People if They're Illegal Canadian Immigrants -- Complete With Black-Eyed Hillbilly Threatening to Hit People

Reposted from the Phoenix NewTimes:

Comedian Steve Hofstetter spent an hour standing in front of Governor Jan Brewer's office asking white people if he could see their birth certificates. He videotaped his findings and the end result is hilarious.
The video is obviously designed to point out the hypocrisy of the new law, and those who support it -- including a hillbilly with two black eyes, who says he supports SB 1070 because it will "clean up the community."

When told he looked like a Canadian in the United States illegally and asked how he would react if someone asked to see his birth certificate -- as the new law would require suspected illegal immigrants to do -- that same black-eyed hillbilly responds with "somebody might get hit."

It's great. Check it out after the jump. And check out more on Steve Hofstetter here.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Miner Complaint

I'm happy for the miners. Thrilled. Yay miners. Welcome home. Fresh tapas and a trip to Disneyland awaits.

I'm irritated by the media. As usual. You would think an industry that deals primarily with words would be loosely familiar with their definitions. Let me 'splain. No, too long. Let me sum up.

MIRACLE. Admittedly, i only read a few of the news stories, but i don't recall anyone walking on a pond, turning water to wine, or raising the dead. Maybe i just wasn't paying attention when the first miner emerged, helmeted and coal-faced, to the cheers of the crowd and the clicks of the cameras, and then walked over to craft services and died for our sins.

The rescue was the result of human effort, no more. We are incredible when we want to be. And then, because we hate ourselves, we give credit to the invisible man for our own divinity. We are too weak to admit to ourselves how strong we can be. So hey, yay us.

HERO. I don't mean to be a dick, not at the moment anyway, but these guys are victims, not heroes. A bunch of rocks fell on them. They suffered. They endured. And by all accounts, they stuck together and rode it out as a team. They are shining examples of the power of selfless community.

I have a vague memory of a convenience store heist gone terribly wrong when i was a child. The news reported that a man had entered a store to rob it, but got into a scuffle with an off-duty police officer and shot him. Other officers arrived quickly, forcing the gunman to take hostages, initiating an all-night standoff that ended badly for the gunman—a moment of carelessness, perhaps, a reach for a candy bar or an absent-minded yawn that stretched his neck, exposing the back of his head long enough for a sniper to find it.

But mostly i remember the adjective the media ladled on the survivors: heroes. Their ordeal was terrible, no doubt—twelve hours of wondering if the last thing you see would be, instead of your children’s faces, an expired, overpriced Hostess Twinkie. But they were not heroes.

Heroes make decisions. A hero is not a victim of his surroundings, but one who decides to intercede for victims of their surroundings, willing to risk his own safe harbor to rescue the adrift. The dead officer was a hero, but the hostages were victims. They no more deserved the title “hero” than people who buy winning lottery tickets—they simply walked into the right store at the right time, or the wrong store at the wrong time. The miners, god bless them, had their asses kicked by mother nature and poor engineering, and then admirably -- but not heroically -- shared their food.

MINER. What the fuck were 33 children doing in a coal mine?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Has-Beens Here, Stars Abroad

I'm currently traveling around Europe and decided I would report back on the American celebrities who may be VH1 reality material at home but are, curiously, still relevant abroad.

First up, 'stars' in the Netherlands:
Salt, Pepa- and Spinderella, of course- are apparently pretty big in the Netherlands. So big that they headlined a sold out show in Amsterdam. These posters were EVERYWHERE. And there was nothing ironic about it.
Every 'celebrity' magazine has a picture of Paris Hilton inside, prompting me to check the dates on the covers. Really? In 2010? I don't read Dutch, but I'm pretty sure all of the coverage is complimentary, too. They seem to like the twit. Must be her blonde hair, blue eyes and choice of recreational activities.
Nicolas Cage. Oh, Nicolas Cage. I've never noticed how much he looks like David Gest. Or how much David Gest looks like him.

Anyway, they seem to have actually taken 'Bad Lieutenant' seriously in Amsterdam. It's in almost every dvd store's window. Even the ones in the Red Light District. Which is weird.

Next up, I'll be in Belgium. I'm hoping for a En Vogue comeback concert. We'll see how it goes...

Monday, September 6, 2010

This is What Happens When Craigslist Removes Adult Section

Now that Craigslist has removed their adult section, reports say that adult ads are finding their way into the rest of the site. Here are a few:



new york craigslist > housing > apts by owner
Tight space available immediately. No carpets. Will cost double if you’d like to bring a roommate.



new york craigslist > for sale / wanted > free stuff
Extra large unit available. If you can carry it, you can keep it.


new york craigslist > for sale / wanted > antiques
Antique blower for sale. For someone with very specific tastes.



new york craigslist > personals > missed connections
You: tall dark and handsome and holding a fifty dollar bill. Me: buxom brunette who enjoys making her man happy. We met on the corner of Houston and Essex next Wednesday.



new york craigslist > housing > vacation rentals
Looking for a vacation from your mundane life? Leave the wife at home and try one of our wonderful foreign vacation properties. All properties are 23 to 25-years-old and barely speak English.


new york craigslist > jobs > skilled trades/artisan jobs
Hiring for hand job. Inquire within.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

This Dog Dances Better Than You



It starts slow, but by 30 seconds in, you'll wonder why this act is not already famous. Wow.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dancing in the Ceiling

The following message is from Andrew Frank, a 17-year-old comic who's parents I hope don't read this. Sweet - I always wanted to be contraband. Good luck, Andrew!
-SH


I have immense respect for your work, and I truly believe you are among an elite class of brilliant comics working today. I am also a comedian. I am 17 years old, and currently attend Christian High School. I'm the son of a pastor, and I am so sheltered to the point where I have to hide your albums (and Hicks, Pryor, and Carlin) in the ceiling tiles in my basement. Haha, I know that may seem ridiculous, but thats the reality of my situation. Anyway, you've been a great influence on my comedy, and I really appreciate what you're doing.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Jesus of Nazareth, Nazareth, and Cohen.

I worked in Tallahassee, Fl. this past weekend and had a great time. I haven’t been to Tally since I went to school there back in the 90’s. By went to school there- I mean I drank and worked in bars for six years.


The shows were fun and very well attended. Most of the crowds were very entertained. I would say that the weirdest thing that happened was the drunk lady who stood up and yelled at me about a joke I did about Jesus.


That guy is very polarizing. I have had both Christians and Atheists give me shit about telling jokes about the big guy. My buddy Brett told me, “Tom, you shouldn’t joke about or even mention Jesus in your act because he is a fictional made up character.”


First of all, I think Jesus was an actual person and here is why- because he was a carpenter. You don’t give imaginary people jobs.


My buddy Larry, who I am making up right now because I don’t have a friend named Larry, doesn’t have a job. You know why? Because he isn’t real. He doesn’t need a job. You would have to give me a few moments to make one up for him.


Larry is a project manager for Hewlett Packard.


Jesus was a carpenter. That is how we know he was real. If they would have been making up jobs they would have picked a more glamorous job. Like beat reporter for the Nazareth Daily Bugle. Out fighting crime and saving souls. Or a lawyer. “Have you met my lawyer? Jesus of Nazareth, Nazareth and Cohen?


No- he was a lowly carpenter. That is how we know he was real.


When he was up on the cross, do you think he looked at it with a carpenters critical eye?


“Huh, this isn’t even level. Shoddy workmanship. This isn’t even good cyprus- look how that nail through my left wrist has split this inferior wood. Forgive them father, for they don’t build them like they used to.”


He was a carpenter for many many years before he went into the savior business. So he had to make some things. A table, a chest of drawers, a book shelf... (I guess it would be a scroll shelf since they didn’t have books.)


He made some things that is for sure. That is how we will find out he was real. Watching Antique Roadshow one day and the appraiser will be all, “Wow, this scroll pole looks ancient, let’s see who made it....”


Turns it over.... “JESUS CHRIST! That is going to be worth some money.... and I think it has healed my arthritis.”


A Beard, Spider Man, Baseball and Compassion
















I have recently grown a beard. I now realize that I have always had a stereotype/prejudice against people with beards. Especially the black ones. My beard is thin and has a lot of white in it. I wish it was a little thicker and blacker.


I was thinking of getting some Just for Men beard dye- but my former self promised he would never do that. My beard pisses off skin heads cuz it shows that black and white can live together in peace.


I have a good friend who I just spent ten hours in a car with road tripping to a gig. He was struggling big time with breaking up with his girlfriend. Talking about it for eight hours at some point I was just using the cliches... “Don’t worry Matt, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” But since the BP spill, not so much.


The Braves are awesome this year and that makes life a little better. Slumps are inevitable. Gotta remember that when doing comedy also. Sometimes jokes just aren’t funny to me any more. Sometimes my sense of humor is dark and I come off as an asshole, sometimes the new stuff needs a lot more work and I am trying to grind it out.


Saw a story on line about the casting for the new Spiderman movie. There was a campaign to cast a black actor. The headline of the story was- Why can’t Spider Man be a Black Guy? Why can’t Spider Man be black? I don’t know- cuz he isn’t. Why can’t Babe Ruth be a black guy? What about Fat Albert, why does he have to be black? Why can’t he be a skinny white guy? “Hey, hey, hey this cracker’s here to stay.”


I am just saying. Somethings just are what they are.


They say black is thinning. Unless you are that actress from Precious. How big would she look if she was white?


I am learning about compassion from five year old son Owen. While brushing his teeth last month he leaned forward and jumped up to spit in the sink, smacking his nuts into the cabinet door knob. He was hurt. And upset by my gut reaction- which was to laugh. That upsets him. He said, “It’s not funny! You always laugh when I hurt myself. It is not funny.”


I know it hurts son, I am laughing because it looks funny, like when we laughed at that Charlie Chaplin video where people got hit in the face by boards or fell down holes.


“Oh, but it isn’t very funny.”


He is of course right, physical comedy isn’t solidly written comedy. Which makes me laugh...


Owen made me realize that I need to be more aware of that, be genuinely sympathetic for him, and remember it is not funny when you are the one in serious pain.


But, it is hard not to laugh when a football goes through his hands and pounds him in the face. It just looks hilarious.


Looking back, he is right. I laugh all the time when he bumps himself or smacks his head into a door knob. I think that early on in a babies life, we as parents realize that a child’s level of reaction to a fall or bump somehow correlates to your reaction as a parent.


I have taken his feelings to heart and recently when he gets hurt in some funny looking way, I bite my tongue and try to make sure he sees I sympathize. We play baseball a lot with a tennis ball. A few weeks ago I hit a line drive off his face and as he ran to get the ball I could see he was hurt. So after I got to first base, I went and made sure he was okay. Even though I most likely could have taken second.


This week we were playing and he was crowding the plate, so I threw a little too inside to back him off. He had plenty of time but didn’t make a single move to get out of the way. The ball hit him square in the eye. It looked funny as shit. Until he started to cry.


I knew in the over all he was fine, so I really had to bite my lip and get to compassion. I consoled him and he quickly started to feel better and wanted to continue batting. I was walking to the “mound” and started joking with him about how he didn’t even try to get out of the way.


“Way to keep your eye on the ball son.”


And then a very cool thing happened. He laughed hard.


That was the first time I can remember him having the ability in his mind to make the intellectual connection required to laugh at the use of language. He even made a point of repeating the joke at the end of his ‘getting hit in the eye story’ later to mommy.


So, what did I learn? That my son makes me proud. He teaches me, and on top of that, at five he already appreciates basic comedy writing structure over physical comedy.


I was helping Owen with his homework. The section called for coloring with a dark crayon. I told him, “Yellow is not a dark color.” Owen says, “it can be- if you press down real hard.”


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Open Letter to Overwhelming Majority of New York City Realtors

Dear Overwhelming Majority of New York City Realtors,

Hi. My name is Steve. You might remember me from the dozens of applications I've filled out in your offices guaranteeing that you own my soul. I can understand why you want it so badly – you've never had one of your own.

I have spent the last two months looking for a new apartment. You've posted ads for two-bedrooms that were really studios. You've gone on and on about the view in apartments that turned out to be on the second floor. You've described your listings as "just steps from the subway!" without mentioning that there would be several thousand steps. In essence, you have wasted my time. My one consolation is that I am not gullible enough to rent one of your overpriced under-painted outer-limits crap hole excuses for an apartment. So you have wasted your time, too.

How about you just tell people what an apartment costs before making them take an hour out of their day to see it? I have had enough of your move-in fees and move-out fees and application fees and background fees and you-might-be-considering-a-pet fees and third-Tuesday-afternoon-of-the-month fees. You make Ticketmaster look like a charity. By the way, I'm charging you a $35 fee for reading this. Aww, are you upset? Sorry, there's a $50 fee for not appreciating irony.

One of your ads showed a 900-square foot floor plan for a 500-square foot hovel. One of your ads promised that Samuel L. Jackson will meet me at the open house. One of your ads even described an apartment in Queens as a place that will get people laid. Aside from the obvious lechery of this idea, you clearly don't understand what it's like to live in Queens.

You are a liar. You post ads for apartments that never existed, just so that you can get a customer down to your office and show them around the actual garbage that you represent. Stop telling me that Harlem is part of midtown now. Stop telling me that the 6th floor is the 5th floor because the 1st floor doesn't count. And stop telling me you're a decent human being just trying to do your job. I'd sooner believe that Snakes on a Plane was a documentary.

If you were a snake, that would be an upgrade. You are so slimy, used car salesmen, catholic priests, and insurance adjusters look at you in disbelief. I would not be surprised to find out that Karl Rove's first job out of college was as a New York City Realtor.

Every now and then, I meet one of your colleagues that is honest and good – and inevitably quitting the business. But after you introduce yourself and force me to shake your hand, there's not enough Purel in the world to make me feel clean again.

And the most amazing thing of all is that you're utterly useless. New York apartments don't need help being rented. They're one of the few commodities in the world where demand drastically dwarfs supply – and yet you have inexplicably found a way to make a commission off of them by making demanders doubt the supply, doubt themselves, and doubt whether there is still goodness in the world. The only logical explanation is that you are hired by the rest of the cities in America, in an effort to get people to abandon New York completely.

I did have one small victory. After one of your ranks lied to my fiancé about the application process only to lie to her again about which apartment he'd be showing her, I called him asking to see a 6 million dollar apartment for sale.

When I showed up, he recommended I look at the $2 million dollar apartment next door instead since it "suited me better." In front of the head of the condo board, I laughed and told him he ought to show me both, since I could always buy them and knock down a wall.

I was actively looking to waste his time – and I spent a wonderful afternoon asking pretentious questions about school districts and directions to the nearest Whole Foods. I finally left, and told the board's head I wasn't interested after all. Disappointed, she asked me why.

"Frankly," I said. "I didn't care for the Realtor."

Thanks for reading. I hope you die.

Love,
Me

Monday, August 16, 2010

Top Seven Actors We Never Saw Coming

7) Hilary Swank
Two-time best actress Oscar winner, Swank is known for her roles in Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Baby. She's also won two Golden Globes and was nominated for a third. But how did we meet her? Her first big role was "Danielle" on the kitchy Camp Wilder. After a quick and merciful cancellation, Swank went on to star in The Next Karate Kid, the movie that would ruin the Karate Kid franchise forever, until 2010 when it was somehow ruined a second time. Her last role before Boys Don't Cry was as Carly Reynolds on 90210, a character so disliked that she only lasted 16 episodes before producers cut her. A year later, she had an Oscar.

Hilary Swank, telling her agent to please stop.

6) George Clooney
Clooney was a TV star before he made the jump to film - a jump few thought he should make. When he left ER, the consensus was that he was pulling a David Caruso. Instead, he pulled down hit after hit after hit. He won his Oscar for Syriana, but was also nominated for Up in the Air, Michael Clayton, and as a writer AND director for Good Night, and Good Luck. Not to mention playing the title character in the Oceans Eleven franchise. But Clooney didn't come directly from ER. Oddly enough, his first big role was on an early 1980s hospital dram-com called, well, E/R. After that, Clooney played small but recurring roles on The Facts of Life, Roseanne, and Sisters, as well as horrifically bad shows like Baby Talk and Bodies of Evidence. In other words, he is what Scott Baio could have been.

George Clooney, learning the facts of mullets.

5) Jamie Foxx
After a small role in Roc, Foxx was part of the non-Wayans replacement cast on In Living Color. Even that didn't launch him to stardom, as he followed up with occasional cameos on Moesha, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and other shows white people never watched. He finally landed his own show, which lasted an astonishing 100 episodes. And suddenly, he won a best actor Oscar for Ray, the same year he was also nominated for best supporting actor in Collateral. And there's also his song that reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Though Ron Howard was in that video, so white people watched it.

Yup, looks like an Oscar winner.

4) Laurence Fishburne
 Best known as Morpheus from the Matrix (and the father of a porn star), Fishburne is an Emmy Award winning, Oscar nominated actor who was also in Mystic River, Othello, and the Tuskeegee Airmen. All a few years after he played Cowboy Curtis on Pee-wee's Playhouse. Which, coincidentally, is the name of his daughter's next film.


"Hi, Larry, this is your dignity calling. We have to talk..."

3) Will Smith
His hokey hip-hop single "Parents Just Don't Understand" led to his role in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." His role in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" led to him being one of the top ten highest grossing box office stars of all-time. Thanks mainly to Independence Day, Men in Black, I am Legend, and Bad Boys, his movies have grossed over 5 billion dollars worldwide. That's a slightly different path than fellow 1980s artist "Too Short," who ended up in porn. Maybe he knows Larry Fishburne's daughter.

Even Will Smith's parents just don't understand how this happened.

2) Don Cheadle
When you think Don Cheadle, you think an amazingly accomplished actor. From dramatic roles in Hotel Rwanda and Crash to comic roles in Oceans Eleven and Iron Man, Cheadle is known for his range. He's not known for being the hotel manager on the ill-fated Golden Girls spin-off, Golden Palace. Which was a true crash.

Don Cheadle, researching for his eventual role in Hotel Rwanda.

1) Leonardo DiCaprio
When a sit-com adds a random character, that typically means they're done. That's what Leo DiCaprio was for Growing Pains, when Jesus started making too many demands on Kirk Cameron's time. Cameron became an evangelist, Jeremy Miller left the business, Tracey Gold drank herself to jail, Andrew Koenig killed himself, and Leonardo DiCaprio became one of the most sought after and respected actors in the world. What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Basketball Diaries, Romeo and Juliet, and Titanic were all within five years of Growing Pains. Maybe Kirk Cameron prayed for him.

"Which one of these is not like the others..."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Movies I Won't Be Seeing This Summer

Dinner for Schmucks

This is a remake of the 1998 award-winning French film Le Diner de Cons. I don’t condone remaking movies just because they didn’t star Americans the first time around. I also don’t condone Steve Carell’s caps. That’s a lot of tooth.

Concession: At least the original was in a different language, which makes this remake a little less despicable than this year’s Death at a Funeral – which was a remake of the 2007 English film, Death at a Funeral. Only with black people.

Eat, Pray, Love

Watching people eat is gross. Watching people pray is boring. Watching people fall in love is not enjoyable unless it’s funny or tragic or both. Being as this is a Julia Roberts movie, I’m assuming that it’s neither.

Concession: I can’t blame Jules for signing on for the flick. I’ve agreed to many things in life because they promised me free pizza…

Salt

Apparently this part was offered to Tom Cruise, but he turned it down because it was too similar to some of his other work. When Tom Cruise turns down a movie because it’s redundant, you know it’s really scraping the bottom of the originality barrel. This is the man that made Mission: Impossible, Mission: Impossible II, Mission: Impossible III and has signed on to do Mission: Impossible IV.

Concession: It’s pretty rad that they went with a chick for a part originally written for a man. Also, salt is amazing. I salt postage stamps before I lick them.

Really, what this summer movie season is missing is a Will Smith movie. Sending your kid in to learn taebo from Jackie Chan doesn’t count, Big Willy. Show your face! We all miss you. The summer blockbuster landscape misses you. Carlton misses you.



Sunday, August 1, 2010

A Response to Junk Mail: My Dead Cousin Michael

BARRISTER STANLEY JOHN
Bastien Yekpe And Associates
Cotonou, République du Benin
Telephone: +229 96329406

ATTN: Hofstetter

I am Barrister Stanley John, the attorney at law to Late Michael Hofstetter, a national of your country, and a gold merchant here in Republic of Benin West Africa. Here in after shall be Referred to as my client. On the 27th of May 2006, my client, His wife and their only Child were involved in a car accident Along Sagbama express-road. All occupants of the vehicle Unfortunately lost their lives..Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved Unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track His last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his Family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in Repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank here. These huge deposits were lodged particularly, with the" STANBIC IBTC BANK" An affiliate of Commercial Bank of Africa where the Deceased had an account valued at about $18.5 million dollars. The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated.

Since I have been unsuccessful in Locating the relatives for over 3 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have The same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $18.5 million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can Share the money.50% to me and 50% to you I will procure all Necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this Deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. And the way we are going to achieve this is

I will need the following information from you,
Your Full Name and Address,
Your Age, Occupation and Position,
Your Telephone and Mobile for Communication Purpose.I await your reply ASAP.

Best Regards.
Barrister Stanley John Esq
Tel. +229 96329406



Barrister John-

Thank you so much for contacting me. I can't believe that Michael died. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were talking about his dream to become a gold merchant in Republic of Benin West Africa. Clearly it was earlier than May, 2006. 

It makes sense that he died while driving. That new wife of his was always forcing him to drive. I blame her for this. If she wasn't also killed, I'd be so mad at her. I'm am sorry to lose Michael, but glad that bitch and her devil spawn were taken as well. I don't know if you were privy to family gossip, but that kid only had one giant nostril instead of two. Creepy.

Did you happen to know if their dog was also in the car? I have such fond memories of growing up, playing with Mr. Sparkles. Wait, I'm 30. There's no way that dog was still alive.  I hope he had a proper burial. No offense, but you must be familiar with the terrible reputation that the Republic of Benin West Africa has when it comes to deceased pets. 

Tell you what - send me the remains of Mr. Sparkles, and proof that his wife and one-nostril child are dead, and you can keep the money. 

Thanks again, and send my regards to Bastien Yepke and his associates. I have attached the last picture I had of Michael, when he was first training to be a gold merchant. I hope it brings back fond memories.

-Steve

Michael Hofstetter, living his dream.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I'm Voting Basil Marceaux

I am moving to Tennessee just so that I can vote for Basil Marceaux.  But only if he's running against Foghorn Leghorn.



Vote Basil Marceaux, 2010!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Top Seven Actors Who Were Briefly Awesome

The following is a list of actors who were at the top of the world and close to making the jump to being bankable, a-list celebrities. And then somehow did not. 

7) Alicia Silverstone
After her breakout role in Clueless, everyone loved Alicia Silverstone. Except casting directors, because she was cast in bomb after bomb after bomb. Clueless produced Breckin Meyer, Brttany Murphy, Paul Rudd, and Donald Faison. But when Batman and Robin is the best thing you've done since, your career is as dead as Brittany Murphy.

You might want to return a few of those for store credit...


6) Hayden Christinsen
When Christiansen was tapped to play the new Anakin Skywalker, we had no idea that'd be the last cool thing he'd ever do. Correction - it wasn't even cool then. While it's generally agreed that "Attack of the Clones" is the least bad of the new Star Wars movies, it was the peak of Christiansen's career. And while he's still young, I haven't even heard of anything he's done since. Perhaps he should have used the dark side. Or maybe George Lucas should have written some decent dialogue.


What was worse, murdering children or murdering Star Wars?


5) Ralph Macchio
Making his first big splash as one of The Outsiders, Macchio is best known as the Karate Kid. And always will be. His only decent role after that came in My Cousin Vinny in 1992. Since then, he's mainly been playing himself making fun of himself. At least he has a sense of humor about it. By the way, the other Outsiders included Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze, and Tom Cruise. Oops.


"Put his career in a body bag!"


4) Kellly Mcgillis
In 1985, McGillis played Harrison Ford's love interest in Witness. In 1986, she played Tom Cruise's love interest in Top Gun. In 1987, she vanished. Actually, she's been working steadily ever since, with her roles getting smaller and smaller. In the mid-90s, she appeared in North as "Amish Mom." And the career comes full circle.



Clearly, she's lost that lovin' feelin'.




3) Lindsay Lohan
Lohan is the only one on this list that took herself out of the equation. She was awesome in Mean Girls, but her habit of showing up three days and coked up late quickly turned her from bankable into tabloid fodder. She's now in jail, which may be the safest place for her. Certainly safer than making a sequel to I Know Who Killed Me.



I bet the girls in prison are way meaner.



2) Cuba Gooding Jr.
Gooding has had 63 roles, and 62 of them have been awful. Okay, so his "Boy Getting Haircut" in Coming to America was fine. But after he won an Oscar for Jerry McGuire, he was in Pearl Harbor, Rat Race, Snow Dogs, and Boat Trip all within a year of each other. I'd rather take an actual boat trip to Cuba than watch any of those. It make sense - his Jerry McGuire character was a guy playing for a terrible team, but staying because he was paid well. Perhaps he's a method actor.

Don't get used to the taste, Cuba.


1) Brendan Fraser
Remember School Ties, when Fraser played the dramatic role of David Greene, the great Jewish quarterback from a small mining town in western Pennsylvania? The fact that he's the same guy who has starred in a dozen flops since is almost as unbelievable as there being a great Jewish quarterback from a small mining town in western Pennsylvania. Then came George of the Jungle, Dudley Do-Right, and Journey to the Center of the Earth - and those are just examples of his remakes that sucked. I'm at the point now where if Brendan Fraser is in a movie, I won't see it. No matter how allegedly Jewish his character might be.

You probably should have worn that helmet in the rest of your movies, too.


Honorable mentions:

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Awesome as Buffy. Awesome as an incestuous crazy in Cruel Intentions. Best role since has been The Grudge 2.

Phoebe Cates: Best bikini scene ever. Love interest in Gremlins. Now her biggest role is raising Kevin Kline's children.

Ben Affleck: After School Ties, Dazed and Confused, Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, and Good Will Hunting, Affleck was in Gigli, Daredevil, Paycheck, Armageddon, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Surviving Christmas, and the Sum of All Fears, to name a few. And I thought the sum of all fears was that he'd keep making movies. Or maybe that's Armageddon.

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Marcia Cross is Afraid of Vegetables

There's a Mott's Commercial where Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross is hiding under a picnic table while she tells people to hide vegetables in their juice. Seriously. That's what happens. Take a look.




For those of you who don't have the patience to wade through the whole 30 seconds of madness, here are some highlights.

Run Marcia! There's a giant eye-less face attacking the village! I bet it's after all the apples and carrots you're harvesting.
It's getting closer! Why are you smiling!
Maybe you can pop it with some of these carrots!
Where'd the carrots go? And why does Billy suddenly look uncomfortable?
The face will never find me under here! Wait, are those carrots and a tomato sitting on a picnic bench? Yum!
Ah hah! The face can't turn corners. I will be safe behind this wall. Let me just take a look and see if it's over. Oh god! It's still there. The blood! There's so much blood!
So kids, drink your vegetables, or you will be mauled by a giant eye-less face. The Desperate Housewives lady says so.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'm Going to Racially Profile White People

When the news of Arizona's new immigration law came out, there were four basic reactions.

1) Impractical Liberal With No Sense of Reality
"All people should be allowed into America, no matter how much it drains our resources. National borders are what's destroying this world. We should all be one!"

2) Racist Conservative that Wants to Find a Scapegoat and Never Studied History
"Those damn Mexicans are taking our jobs. America was built without immigrants! Now we got Meixcans coming in from Puerto Rico, Mexicans from Cuba, even Mexicans from Mexico!"

3) Rational Person That Inexplicably Trusts the Police
"We do need immigration reform. And if the police can't protect us, who can? It's not a big deal to prove you're American, just carry your license with you."

4) Rational Person That Doesn't Trust the Police
"We do need immigration reform. But it shouldn't be at a cop's discretion who to reform. Ever see Bad Lieutenant?"

I am clearly in that last group. Though that second group is tempting. How freeing must it be to blame everyone but yourself?

"Oh, dammit - the Mexicans stubbed my toe again!"

Group #3 isn't that far off from my thought process - the main disagreement I have is that we can't trust an individual police offer to make a judgment call as to whether or not someone looks American. If we give them that ability, they can use it against any one of us. So, well, I'm going to use it against any one of us.

Instead of boycotting Arizona, I came up with a new plan to book a show at a state funded school in Arizona (which I just did). I will then use the money from that show to go to the governor's mansion with cameras. And I will stop white people on their way out and ask them to prove they're not Canadian.

Governor Jan Brewer - wearing red and white, but where is the blue? Where is the blue, Jan???


If they're annoyed that I'm questioning their citizenship just on the basis of their looks, perhaps they'll see my point. But I bet they'll just be happy someone is doing their patriotic duty as an American citizen.

See you in Arizona, Governor Brewer. If that is your real name.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Politics Are For Hot Naked People

Meet Sanziana Buruiana. Thanks to Seth Freeland (hi Seth), I have the heads up that she's a model from Romania who wants to start a political party for "beautiful people." It's a shame, because she wouldn't be able to join.

Take a look. Her face has a twinge of inbred to it, her boobs are somewhat lopsided, and her hair reminds me of several bad guys from Disney movies. She's the kind of girl you'd think was hot if you were staying with her in a youth hostel, but certainly not beautiful enough to start a political party based on it.

Sure, I'm being harsh, but if you're going to say that life is only for the good looking, you better damn well be a perfect ten. Maybe that was just a bad picture? Google Images tells me otherwise.


Check it out, it's Paris Hilton's Eurotrash cousin! Who would probably be named Denver Hilton.

Buruiana also said that she'd jail people who would make blonde jokes, assuming she understands them. I wonder what she'll do to people who make jokes about people with white hair.

One of her other platforms (ha, platforms!) include laws that only allow girls in bikinis to be tour guides. Just so you know, this is a Romanian tour guide:



Does that bikini come in paisly? Of course, this woman would no longer be fat, since Buruiana wants to impose a fat tax of $10 Euros per kilo per month. Someone should explain to Buruiana that she's a 23-year-old anorexic, and the second she gets to old to be a model (you know, in two years), she'll blow up like her last name was Hindenberg.

But the most hilarious part of the story is that Buruiana wants to impose a fine of $100 Euros for infidelity. First, that means she's obviously been cheated on. Second, she thinks that a hundred thirty bucks will stop a man from cheating on his wife. Wake up - he pays more than that just to take his mistress to dinner. And in the states, we already have a fine for infidelity - it's called losing half of your shit.

Buruiana doesn't care that Romania's economy makes Michigan look good. That Romania's top pop singer just killed herself by overdosing on insecticide. Or that 21 people died because it rained. All the-Heidi-Montag-of-Romania cares about is that Romanian people need to get prettier.



Looking at some of her pictures, I agree.

Friday, July 16, 2010

You Can't Click a Newspaper

You should probably read something before you put it in print. This comes to us via the Honolulu Advertiser, via StevenHumour.com:

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Best Gay/Dix Racing Headlines

Walter Dix won the 200 meters in the Prefontaine Classic. Finishing behind him was Tyson Gay, leading to some of the greatest headlines ever. When two of the top runners in the world are named Dix and Gay, clearly they are running from their own last names.

"Dix edges out Gay"
-New Zealand Herald

"Dix shows Gay his heels"
-South African Times

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"
-Rueters

"Tired Gay falls short in 200m"
-ABC

"Tyson Gay Chased Down And Beaten By Walter Dix In 200m"
-World-Track and Field

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Difference Between Sookie and Snookie

Here is the differences between Sookie from HBO's True Blood and Snookie from MTV's The Jersey Shore.

One lives with the cold and undead, and her life is controlled by the sun. She was born into misery, in a region of this country filled with ignorance and hate. When we first met her, she was beaten within an inch of her life - and she is a character so ridiculous, it makes sense for her to be fictional.

And the other is played by Anna Paquin.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Top Seven Tips for Future Contestants of The Bachelorette

As my fiance watches more and more reality TV, I find myself actually getting into some of the shows. One of my new favorites is the Bachelorette. I HATED the first episode I saw. Then I began getting to know how amazingly train-wrecky everyone was, and I watch for the same reason I watch skiing: to see them fall.

Some fall because they're insane, and some fall simply because they're boring and they don't know how to talk to women. Or anyone else.

So I figured I'd give future contestants a few tips on how to act.

1) Strike a delicate balance between loving your family and being independent. i.e. "My grandmother taught me so much when I was a kid. She's dead now."

2) Make this all about her. She needs the kind of attention that can only be provided by 25 guys chasing her on national television. i.e. "This must be so hard on you. You're such a brave person."

3) Don't talk trash about the other guys or you will look stupid and petty. Instead, compliment the men who would like to see you dead and also have sex with the woman you're trying to marry.

4) Keep the conversation fun so that you don't talk about anything that actually matters to you. Say things like, "ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

5) Ignore her obvious weaknesses. No matter how much she keeps talking about her fear of flying, don't point out that every other date involves a plane or a helicopter.

6) She will ask you about your ex-girlfriends. Be really general in a specific sounding way. i.e. "I think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love. Are you going to finish that canole?"

7) Only show her your hidden talent if you actually have one. Don't sing, play guitar, or dance unless you're on the semi-pro level. Your real hidden talent is probably picking up drunk women in middle America.

Honorable Mentions: Use the word "connection" as much as possible. And drop the name of the ABC sponsors. You won't win, but you might get your own season of "The Bachelor."

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dos Hombres y Medio

My boyfriend likes to scoff at Telemundo. I like to get annoyed. Not because I have a personal affinity towards painted-on freckles. Not even because my grandparents are Cuban. (My grandmother would take her Steven Seagal VHS box set over Sabado Gigante any day). I get annoyed because I firmly believe Telemundo is no more ridiculous than Two and a Half Men, which has been nominated for 30 Primetime Emmy Awards.

Telemundo's blessing and curse is that you can tell exactly what is going on and who everyone is just by looking at them. My theory for this is that 1) they hope to attract a non-Spanish speaking audience and 2) they realize that we Latinos talk through anything we're watching anyway. So, let's put Two and a Half Men to the test.


According to Wikipedia, Two and a Half Men is the story of "a hedonistic jingle writer, Charlie; his uptight brother, Alan; and Alan's young song, Jake.'


That must be the half-a-man! The hat could mean "wise beyond his years," but judging by the color, I'd say he's one of those kids that just say the darnedest things. We also know that he is not a brainiac, because he's chubby. Only scrawny kids play nerds.

Speaking of nerds...


Telemundo would have at least sprung for some suspenders and a hat for poor, socially awkward Alan.


There. That's better. Action!

"What are you doing here? I told you I don't want to see you again because you're just too uptight! Look at your tucked in shirt!"

"But...but...I'm sorry. I'm just not good with women. I mean, just look at my tucked in shirt! You're way too hot for me. Your body makes me s-s-stutter."

"Just because I'm wearing a brightly colored, crotch-high kimono doesn't give you the right to look at my body. I'm no Barbie doll you can play with. I have dark hair and wear blue."


Okay, okay. Maybe you couldn't have gotten all of that just from looking at it. Let's try another one:


Okay. Moving on.

Guess who IS good with women? Charlie, of course. Every telenovela needs a womanizer, or "hedonistic jingle writer." How can you tell Charlie is a hedonist? Well, he's styled to resemble one of the greatest rapists of our time:


Now, let's all take 32 seconds to watch a scene from Two and a Half Men in Spanish. I assure you, it is frightening and I warn you that there is no laugh track.



Complete with a vuvuzela. Perfecto.

I think that if Two and a Half Men embraced its Telemundo-ness a little more, gave that kid a pet monkey, put the heavyset housekeeper in some overalls, added an offensively portrayed Asian character, had Charlie le Pew woo women with his musical flatulence, I would respect it more. I may even watch it. On mute.

Author's note: Big up to Dave Chappelle, the originator of the concept that Pepe le Pew was a smelly ole rapist.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Top Seven Rappers Turned Actors

7) Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem)
Aside from 82 credits playing himself, Marshall Mathers was awesome in 8 Mile, where he played himself but with a different name. So the guy can't stretch - but he did win an MTV Movie Award and a Teen Choice award. And while those means as much in the industry as an associate producer credit, I was still impressed that he did a movie with Kim Bassinger and he came out looking like the better actor. Also that of every one in a rap movie about inner city Detroit, Brittany Murphy was the first cast member to die. 







6) Chris Bridges (aka Ludacris)
He was great in the critically acclaimed Crash - but what really made him stand out were his performances on Law and Order: SVU. Twice, Luda played Fin Tutuola's nephew. That's especially funny since Tutuola is played by Ice-T, who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag (even if it was filled with crack). And he even showed some range with a funny role in Fred Claus, a movie so bad it reminded me of Ice-T's acting ability.








5) Trevor Smith (aka Busta Rhymes)
Rhymes was great as the older brother in Finding Forrester. Of course, he knows drama - his original group, Leaders of the New School, broke up on the set of Yo! MTV Raps. But he can also do comedy - the role I liked him best in was Who's the Man? In an otherwise terribly forgettable Ed Lover/Dr. Dre vehicle that gave me one more reason to dislike Dennis Leary, Rhymes brought some much needed comic relief - to a comedy. With the exception of Leary, the cast was a who's who in black Hollywood, and the part of Night Train was played by Ice-T. I'll let you guess how he did.








4) Cordozar Broadus (aka Snoop Dog)
A recurring voice on The Boondocks, and a guest star on Weeds, Monk, and Entourage, Snoop is fantastic at playing the laid back stoner. Okay, so you won't see him in a production of A Raisin in the Sun any time soon, but you will see him in 59 roles. Wow - there are real actors who don't work that often. He's also made 211 appearances as himself. So that's 270 roles as a laid back stoner.







3) Dante Smith (aka Mos Def)
Mos Def is a bit of an exception, since he's an actor-turned-rapper-turned-actor. In the mid 90s, Smith had bit parts in everything from The Cosby Mysteries to NYPD Blue. In the late 90s, Mos Def and Twalib Kweli formed Black Star and suddenly Dante Smith took a back seat. But since then, Smith has had hilarious roles on Chappelle's Show and in Next Day Air, as well as absolutely carrying The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And in continued proof that the rapper/actor world is a very small one, he was also great in The Italian Job. I would have loved to see a Marky Mark/Mos Def collaboration.







2) Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark)
This is probably the most surprising on the list, since we met Mark Wahlberg as the pants-around-the-ankles rapping little brother of a New Kid on the Block. And then suddenly, he was the breakout kid in Boogie Nights, the action hero in The Italian Job, and the Oscar nominated star of The Departed. Which is especially surprising to me - not because he out-acted Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, and Martin Sheen, but because Wahlberg's role was originally offered to Denis Leary.







1) Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince)
Big Willie gets the number one spot for a few reasons. 1) Two Oscar nominations, four Golden Globe nominations (two drama, two comedy), and MTV Movie Awards (or nominations) for NINE separate movies. 2) While acting in some of his hit movies, he also released a string of hit singles. 3) Who the hell saw this coming? We met Will Smith as half of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, singing Parents Just Don't Understand. What I don't understand is how that same guy could be the actor from I Am Legend. Smith currently has 28 projects in development, including Harold and the Purple Crayon and Flowers for Algernon. Of course, if he could get his son to stop ruining Karate Kid, that'd be even more impressive.







Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Gulf Oil Spill

This oil spill is awful. Between this and Katrina that Louisiana Purchase doesn't look like such a great deal any more. I hope Jefferson saved the receipt.

It is referred to over and over as "the oil spill". Spill is far too tame a word for this catastrophe. Like saying Ted Bundy just poked a couple of sorority girls with a stick.

A spill is something that you can clean up with a Bounty. Or something you don't cry over, this is far more drastic.

I once spilled some gravy at Thanksgiving. I didn't totally devastate 88,000 miles of tablecloth.

But in order to not get too gloomy and depressed by the reality of the situation, I have decided to look for the bright side in the oil spill. I know the silver lining is hard to see- cuz it is all covered in oil and slime.... but it is there.

For instance; people with seafood allergies are going to be a lot safer.

Finally our cars will be able to run on water...

Now that they have been oiled, dolphins will no longer make that annoying squeaky sound.

There is no need to go to shore to refill the jet ski. You see- there are some good things.

This oil leak is happening in the Gulf of Mexico. So why aren't they taking care of it?

I really can't believe that The United States hasn't been able to stop the oil. What happened to us? Seems like we used to be great. America is like Ken Griffey Jr. We were awesome back in the day. But not as great as we could have been.

America is like Ben Rothlisberger. We have a couple of Super Bowls- but we have raped a couple of girls along the way. You can root for us if you just don't look too closely.

Fish oil... that is another positive. Fish oil is good for us. Helps in treating bi-polar disorder (BP) and mood swings.

This, I fear, is even more destructive then we realize. Like a fish apocalypse. Most of these right wing, big oil, big business guys claim to be religious. Well, I gotta think that since some of his best friends were fishermen- Jesus has got to be pissed.

If you work for BP you should probably take the Jesus fish off your SUV.

Maybe we will force the ocean life to evolve and come ashore in order to survive. Then we would really have land sharks.

Another good thing? Maybe this will snap us awake to the fact that we need to not just end our dependence on foreign oil- but on oil period. First of all, oil production has already peaked and the commodity will run out- this is not disputable. Plus it is destructive to the organism that we live on. It is the engine that drives our entire way of life and it is working against us.

I used to feel like I needed to conserve energy, to be fuel efficient. Fuck that. I am going the other way. I am going to use as much oil as possible and speed up it's end. I will drive inefficient cars, leave lights on, use oil and vinegar dressing, 3 in 1 oil, olive oil, oil of Olay.... any thing I can to help run us dry of oil.

I will also totally end war and defeat the entire military industrial complex with my plan. Cuz once they are out of oil, they cannot operate. There are no hybrid tanks... no electric F-16's.

I will start putting oil in my hair, burning the midnight oil burning oil... I am working hard... I will eat Olesteral oil based chips... sure I might shit my pants any minute- but I am doing it for world peace.

People always say that it is religion that has killed more human beings in the history of humanity than anything else... more than money, more than oil, more than anything. That may be true- but you gotta give oil a chance. It has only been around for about 120 years... it is doing pretty good so far. I would say when it comes to death and destruction oil is like rookie of the year. It is the Jason Hayward of killing forces.

But now at least we can be positive at a few things. For instance, I am positive that it is not just important but unavoidable- we must end our dependence on oil.