Monday, June 21, 2010

Dos Hombres y Medio

My boyfriend likes to scoff at Telemundo. I like to get annoyed. Not because I have a personal affinity towards painted-on freckles. Not even because my grandparents are Cuban. (My grandmother would take her Steven Seagal VHS box set over Sabado Gigante any day). I get annoyed because I firmly believe Telemundo is no more ridiculous than Two and a Half Men, which has been nominated for 30 Primetime Emmy Awards.

Telemundo's blessing and curse is that you can tell exactly what is going on and who everyone is just by looking at them. My theory for this is that 1) they hope to attract a non-Spanish speaking audience and 2) they realize that we Latinos talk through anything we're watching anyway. So, let's put Two and a Half Men to the test.

According to Wikipedia, Two and a Half Men is the story of "a hedonistic jingle writer, Charlie; his uptight brother, Alan; and Alan's young song, Jake.'

That must be the half-a-man! The hat could mean "wise beyond his years," but judging by the color, I'd say he's one of those kids that just say the darnedest things. We also know that he is not a brainiac, because he's chubby. Only scrawny kids play nerds.

Speaking of nerds...

Telemundo would have at least sprung for some suspenders and a hat for poor, socially awkward Alan.

There. That's better. Action!

"What are you doing here? I told you I don't want to see you again because you're just too uptight! Look at your tucked in shirt!"

"But...but...I'm sorry. I'm just not good with women. I mean, just look at my tucked in shirt! You're way too hot for me. Your body makes me s-s-stutter."

"Just because I'm wearing a brightly colored, crotch-high kimono doesn't give you the right to look at my body. I'm no Barbie doll you can play with. I have dark hair and wear blue."

Okay, okay. Maybe you couldn't have gotten all of that just from looking at it. Let's try another one:

Okay. Moving on.

Guess who IS good with women? Charlie, of course. Every telenovela needs a womanizer, or "hedonistic jingle writer." How can you tell Charlie is a hedonist? Well, he's styled to resemble one of the greatest rapists of our time:

Now, let's all take 32 seconds to watch a scene from Two and a Half Men in Spanish. I assure you, it is frightening and I warn you that there is no laugh track.

Complete with a vuvuzela. Perfecto.

I think that if Two and a Half Men embraced its Telemundo-ness a little more, gave that kid a pet monkey, put the heavyset housekeeper in some overalls, added an offensively portrayed Asian character, had Charlie le Pew woo women with his musical flatulence, I would respect it more. I may even watch it. On mute.

Author's note: Big up to Dave Chappelle, the originator of the concept that Pepe le Pew was a smelly ole rapist.

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