Monday, June 28, 2010

The Difference Between Sookie and Snookie

Here is the differences between Sookie from HBO's True Blood and Snookie from MTV's The Jersey Shore.

One lives with the cold and undead, and her life is controlled by the sun. She was born into misery, in a region of this country filled with ignorance and hate. When we first met her, she was beaten within an inch of her life - and she is a character so ridiculous, it makes sense for her to be fictional.

And the other is played by Anna Paquin.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Comedian of the Week: Don Friesen

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Top Seven Tips for Future Contestants of The Bachelorette

As my fiance watches more and more reality TV, I find myself actually getting into some of the shows. One of my new favorites is the Bachelorette. I HATED the first episode I saw. Then I began getting to know how amazingly train-wrecky everyone was, and I watch for the same reason I watch skiing: to see them fall.

Some fall because they're insane, and some fall simply because they're boring and they don't know how to talk to women. Or anyone else.

So I figured I'd give future contestants a few tips on how to act.

1) Strike a delicate balance between loving your family and being independent. i.e. "My grandmother taught me so much when I was a kid. She's dead now."

2) Make this all about her. She needs the kind of attention that can only be provided by 25 guys chasing her on national television. i.e. "This must be so hard on you. You're such a brave person."

3) Don't talk trash about the other guys or you will look stupid and petty. Instead, compliment the men who would like to see you dead and also have sex with the woman you're trying to marry.

4) Keep the conversation fun so that you don't talk about anything that actually matters to you. Say things like, "ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

5) Ignore her obvious weaknesses. No matter how much she keeps talking about her fear of flying, don't point out that every other date involves a plane or a helicopter.

6) She will ask you about your ex-girlfriends. Be really general in a specific sounding way. i.e. "I think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love. Are you going to finish that canole?"

7) Only show her your hidden talent if you actually have one. Don't sing, play guitar, or dance unless you're on the semi-pro level. Your real hidden talent is probably picking up drunk women in middle America.

Honorable Mentions: Use the word "connection" as much as possible. And drop the name of the ABC sponsors. You won't win, but you might get your own season of "The Bachelor."

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dos Hombres y Medio

My boyfriend likes to scoff at Telemundo. I like to get annoyed. Not because I have a personal affinity towards painted-on freckles. Not even because my grandparents are Cuban. (My grandmother would take her Steven Seagal VHS box set over Sabado Gigante any day). I get annoyed because I firmly believe Telemundo is no more ridiculous than Two and a Half Men, which has been nominated for 30 Primetime Emmy Awards.

Telemundo's blessing and curse is that you can tell exactly what is going on and who everyone is just by looking at them. My theory for this is that 1) they hope to attract a non-Spanish speaking audience and 2) they realize that we Latinos talk through anything we're watching anyway. So, let's put Two and a Half Men to the test.

According to Wikipedia, Two and a Half Men is the story of "a hedonistic jingle writer, Charlie; his uptight brother, Alan; and Alan's young song, Jake.'

That must be the half-a-man! The hat could mean "wise beyond his years," but judging by the color, I'd say he's one of those kids that just say the darnedest things. We also know that he is not a brainiac, because he's chubby. Only scrawny kids play nerds.

Speaking of nerds...

Telemundo would have at least sprung for some suspenders and a hat for poor, socially awkward Alan.

There. That's better. Action!

"What are you doing here? I told you I don't want to see you again because you're just too uptight! Look at your tucked in shirt!"

"But...but...I'm sorry. I'm just not good with women. I mean, just look at my tucked in shirt! You're way too hot for me. Your body makes me s-s-stutter."

"Just because I'm wearing a brightly colored, crotch-high kimono doesn't give you the right to look at my body. I'm no Barbie doll you can play with. I have dark hair and wear blue."

Okay, okay. Maybe you couldn't have gotten all of that just from looking at it. Let's try another one:

Okay. Moving on.

Guess who IS good with women? Charlie, of course. Every telenovela needs a womanizer, or "hedonistic jingle writer." How can you tell Charlie is a hedonist? Well, he's styled to resemble one of the greatest rapists of our time:

Now, let's all take 32 seconds to watch a scene from Two and a Half Men in Spanish. I assure you, it is frightening and I warn you that there is no laugh track.

Complete with a vuvuzela. Perfecto.

I think that if Two and a Half Men embraced its Telemundo-ness a little more, gave that kid a pet monkey, put the heavyset housekeeper in some overalls, added an offensively portrayed Asian character, had Charlie le Pew woo women with his musical flatulence, I would respect it more. I may even watch it. On mute.

Author's note: Big up to Dave Chappelle, the originator of the concept that Pepe le Pew was a smelly ole rapist.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Top Seven Rappers Turned Actors

7) Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem)
Aside from 82 credits playing himself, Marshall Mathers was awesome in 8 Mile, where he played himself but with a different name. So the guy can't stretch - but he did win an MTV Movie Award and a Teen Choice award. And while those means as much in the industry as an associate producer credit, I was still impressed that he did a movie with Kim Bassinger and he came out looking like the better actor. Also that of every one in a rap movie about inner city Detroit, Brittany Murphy was the first cast member to die. 

6) Chris Bridges (aka Ludacris)
He was great in the critically acclaimed Crash - but what really made him stand out were his performances on Law and Order: SVU. Twice, Luda played Fin Tutuola's nephew. That's especially funny since Tutuola is played by Ice-T, who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag (even if it was filled with crack). And he even showed some range with a funny role in Fred Claus, a movie so bad it reminded me of Ice-T's acting ability.

5) Trevor Smith (aka Busta Rhymes)
Rhymes was great as the older brother in Finding Forrester. Of course, he knows drama - his original group, Leaders of the New School, broke up on the set of Yo! MTV Raps. But he can also do comedy - the role I liked him best in was Who's the Man? In an otherwise terribly forgettable Ed Lover/Dr. Dre vehicle that gave me one more reason to dislike Dennis Leary, Rhymes brought some much needed comic relief - to a comedy. With the exception of Leary, the cast was a who's who in black Hollywood, and the part of Night Train was played by Ice-T. I'll let you guess how he did.

4) Cordozar Broadus (aka Snoop Dog)
A recurring voice on The Boondocks, and a guest star on Weeds, Monk, and Entourage, Snoop is fantastic at playing the laid back stoner. Okay, so you won't see him in a production of A Raisin in the Sun any time soon, but you will see him in 59 roles. Wow - there are real actors who don't work that often. He's also made 211 appearances as himself. So that's 270 roles as a laid back stoner.

3) Dante Smith (aka Mos Def)
Mos Def is a bit of an exception, since he's an actor-turned-rapper-turned-actor. In the mid 90s, Smith had bit parts in everything from The Cosby Mysteries to NYPD Blue. In the late 90s, Mos Def and Twalib Kweli formed Black Star and suddenly Dante Smith took a back seat. But since then, Smith has had hilarious roles on Chappelle's Show and in Next Day Air, as well as absolutely carrying The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And in continued proof that the rapper/actor world is a very small one, he was also great in The Italian Job. I would have loved to see a Marky Mark/Mos Def collaboration.

2) Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark)
This is probably the most surprising on the list, since we met Mark Wahlberg as the pants-around-the-ankles rapping little brother of a New Kid on the Block. And then suddenly, he was the breakout kid in Boogie Nights, the action hero in The Italian Job, and the Oscar nominated star of The Departed. Which is especially surprising to me - not because he out-acted Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, and Martin Sheen, but because Wahlberg's role was originally offered to Denis Leary.

1) Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince)
Big Willie gets the number one spot for a few reasons. 1) Two Oscar nominations, four Golden Globe nominations (two drama, two comedy), and MTV Movie Awards (or nominations) for NINE separate movies. 2) While acting in some of his hit movies, he also released a string of hit singles. 3) Who the hell saw this coming? We met Will Smith as half of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, singing Parents Just Don't Understand. What I don't understand is how that same guy could be the actor from I Am Legend. Smith currently has 28 projects in development, including Harold and the Purple Crayon and Flowers for Algernon. Of course, if he could get his son to stop ruining Karate Kid, that'd be even more impressive.

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Gulf Oil Spill

This oil spill is awful. Between this and Katrina that Louisiana Purchase doesn't look like such a great deal any more. I hope Jefferson saved the receipt.

It is referred to over and over as "the oil spill". Spill is far too tame a word for this catastrophe. Like saying Ted Bundy just poked a couple of sorority girls with a stick.

A spill is something that you can clean up with a Bounty. Or something you don't cry over, this is far more drastic.

I once spilled some gravy at Thanksgiving. I didn't totally devastate 88,000 miles of tablecloth.

But in order to not get too gloomy and depressed by the reality of the situation, I have decided to look for the bright side in the oil spill. I know the silver lining is hard to see- cuz it is all covered in oil and slime.... but it is there.

For instance; people with seafood allergies are going to be a lot safer.

Finally our cars will be able to run on water...

Now that they have been oiled, dolphins will no longer make that annoying squeaky sound.

There is no need to go to shore to refill the jet ski. You see- there are some good things.

This oil leak is happening in the Gulf of Mexico. So why aren't they taking care of it?

I really can't believe that The United States hasn't been able to stop the oil. What happened to us? Seems like we used to be great. America is like Ken Griffey Jr. We were awesome back in the day. But not as great as we could have been.

America is like Ben Rothlisberger. We have a couple of Super Bowls- but we have raped a couple of girls along the way. You can root for us if you just don't look too closely.

Fish oil... that is another positive. Fish oil is good for us. Helps in treating bi-polar disorder (BP) and mood swings.

This, I fear, is even more destructive then we realize. Like a fish apocalypse. Most of these right wing, big oil, big business guys claim to be religious. Well, I gotta think that since some of his best friends were fishermen- Jesus has got to be pissed.

If you work for BP you should probably take the Jesus fish off your SUV.

Maybe we will force the ocean life to evolve and come ashore in order to survive. Then we would really have land sharks.

Another good thing? Maybe this will snap us awake to the fact that we need to not just end our dependence on foreign oil- but on oil period. First of all, oil production has already peaked and the commodity will run out- this is not disputable. Plus it is destructive to the organism that we live on. It is the engine that drives our entire way of life and it is working against us.

I used to feel like I needed to conserve energy, to be fuel efficient. Fuck that. I am going the other way. I am going to use as much oil as possible and speed up it's end. I will drive inefficient cars, leave lights on, use oil and vinegar dressing, 3 in 1 oil, olive oil, oil of Olay.... any thing I can to help run us dry of oil.

I will also totally end war and defeat the entire military industrial complex with my plan. Cuz once they are out of oil, they cannot operate. There are no hybrid tanks... no electric F-16's.

I will start putting oil in my hair, burning the midnight oil burning oil... I am working hard... I will eat Olesteral oil based chips... sure I might shit my pants any minute- but I am doing it for world peace.

People always say that it is religion that has killed more human beings in the history of humanity than anything else... more than money, more than oil, more than anything. That may be true- but you gotta give oil a chance. It has only been around for about 120 years... it is doing pretty good so far. I would say when it comes to death and destruction oil is like rookie of the year. It is the Jason Hayward of killing forces.

But now at least we can be positive at a few things. For instance, I am positive that it is not just important but unavoidable- we must end our dependence on oil.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Case Against Going Blonde (a.k.a. Wino Forever)

Memorial Day has passed, which means my neighborhood just became exponentially blonder over night. I get that it's seasonal and that there are some people who look better blonde (I'm looking at you Katherine Heigl), but I firmly believe nothing good comes from it. Ask Winona Ryder.

This is a still from the infamous 2001 shoplifting video. It broke my heart, really. My childhood idol, the best Jo March there ever was, caught by the Saks Fifth Avenue security camera... with shoulder-length blonde hair. Traumatizing.
What else does blonde hair bring? Having to kiss Adam Sandler. Not young and oddly ripped late 80s MTV Sandler, post Big Daddy, post-chin Sandler. And Mr. Deeds' script... not quite The Age of Innocence. Not even Mermaids.
Blonde hair also brings faux lesbian kisses with other blondes. In Winona's case, it was Jennifer Aniston during her guest appearance on Friends. Poor Winona. Everyone knows Jen's loneliness is so pungent it can be caught like fleas. I doubt she ever recovered.
In Winona Ryder's defense, she is actually a natural blonde. She's also naturally Winona Horowitz. So, clearly she understands the concept of changing yourself for the greater good of your career. I urge anyone reading this who is contemplating going blonde this summer to take Ms. Ryder as an example. Sure, she had a quick cult following resurgence when the "Free Winona" t-shirts came out, but let's take a quick look at that iconic image:
Yep. Brunette.
Author's note: For the sake of this post, I have chosen to completely ignore the fact that she was blonde in Edward Scissorhands. Damn hand scissors cutting holes into my argument...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Best Junkmail Ever

Hi there my name is Paul and i want having sex with woman via if you're out there msg me at -

Good luck, Paul. Good luck.

Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long

My blog about Silk Stalkings got me thinking about how crazy it was that that show was on the air for that long. All the responses I got said they remembered the show, but no one said they watched it. And miraculously, it lasted almost a decade.

I now present the Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long.

7) Nash Bridges - 6 Seasons and 122 Episodes
Buddy Cop is the genre that's easiest to screw up. But casting Don Johnson and Cheech Marin ensures it will be awful. I have nothing against either one - but it's a sad state of affairs when the fans of Miami Vice and Still Smoking grow up to be lame. How inexplicable is this show's run? It lasted 11 episodes longer than Miami Vice. I had no idea that many old people owned television sets.

6) 7th Heaven - 11 Seasons and 243 Episodes
I would describe this show as "schmaltz" but the Yiddish in that description would offend its Christian sensibilities. Every episode with a lesson, every lesson with a hug, and every hug with a bit of vomit in my mouth. The only good thing to come out of this show was a post-7th Heaven Jessica Biel pissing off the religious right with her birthday suit. Want to know how long this show lasted? By the end of it, 7-year-old Mackenzie Rosman was hot.

5) Falcon Crest - 9 Seasons and 227 Episodes
For anyone whose television sets didn't get Dallas, there was Falcon Crest. A 1980s prime-time soap opera that chronicled two warring wine families, I'd guess the audience was as drunk as its characters. The show benefited from the prime-time drama craze, the lack of competition that cable eventually created, and the fact that very few people in the 1980s had taste. Put this show up against Law and Order or House and it would have been demolished. But because it ran in the 1980s, one of its actresses actually won a Golden Globe. It was also nominated for four Emmy awards (and won one of those) - all for sound mixing and music editing.

4) According to Jim - 8 Seasons and 182 Episodes
I am shocked and appalled that something this generic could last this long. 182 episodes. That means 182 plots where the dumb husband screws up and learns a valuable lesson just in time for his magnanimous wife to love him anyway. Home Improvement did the same thing, only with writers instead of chimps. And that's GOT to be a laugh track - there's no way a room full of people can laugh that hard, that consistently when there's absolutely no punchlines. The only thing sadder than John Belushi's death is that his brother has somehow made a career off of it.

3) Silk Stalkings - 8 Seasons and 176 Episodes
As many episodes as Family Ties, more episodes than LA Law, and just three episodes shy of I Love Lucy. Silk Stalkings was a 1990s drama(?) set in the sexy and dangerous town of Palm Beach, Florida. You know - where a quarter of the population is over 65? Oooh, sexy. The show was basically girls in bikinis coming out of pools, except the episodes where the girls in bikinis got into pools. The plots were so inconsequential that they changed BOTH lead actors 100 episodes in, and the show made it another 75 episodes. Even more amazing is its creator - Stephen J. Cannell. He also created The Rockford Files, The Greatest American Hero, The A-Team, Wiseguy, 21 Jump Street, the Commish, and Renegade, and Silk Stalkings was his longest running show.

2) Jag - 10 Seasons and 227 Episodes
If A Few Good Men were a TV show and completely forgettable, it would be Jag. I've not only never seen an episode, I've never even seen a clip. And yet it lasted 10 years. Arrested Development barely squeaked through a 3rd season, Sports Night made it two seasons, and Freaks and Geeks only had one year on the air. But a show with no one famous with no memorable plot lasts 10 years because it was written by the same guy who wrote Quantum Leap. Which, by the way, only lasted five years.

1) Walker: Texas Ranger - 9 Seasons and 203 Episodes
Forget everything you've read, this is the true testament of Chuck Norris' strength. How campy was this show? You could even tell the good guys from the bad guys by which cars they drove. Or so says the IMDB page, it's not like I ever watched this bucket of awfulness. The only time I've seen it is via Conan O'Brien, who brilliantly played my favorite clip of any TV show ever - Haley Joel Osment's "Walker told me I have AIDS." If you haven't seen the clip yet, you have to. It will change your life.

Honorable Mentions:
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - 9 Seasons+ (Really? Jeff Goldblum? Really?)
Touched By an Angel - 9 Seasons (I'd rather be touched by an uncle)
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - 550+ Episodes if you count all the incarnations (I always used to say that Voltron didn't have enough live action)
Diagnosis Murder - 8 Seasons (I liked it better when it was called "Murder She Wrote")
Girlfriends - 8 Seasons (Usually blacksploitation lasts four seasons, tops)
Hogan's Heroes - 6 Seasons (Most hysterical holocaust show ever!)

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Opening to Silk Stalkings in 50 Still Frames

Every time I see a commercial for USA's Burn Notice (which is every commercial break on NBC), I can't help but think of USA's earlier version of the show, Silk Stalkings. I've never seen an episode of either, but I imagine they're very similar.

"Do you like danger and money and sex? Then stay tuned for USA's new hit, DANGERMONEYSEX, starring some people that would otherwise have been in soft core porn."

If you don't remember Silk Stalkings, it was USA's mid-90s answer to Cinemax, which ran for a miraculous 150+ episodes over 8 seasons. The opening credits were a montage of nonsensical images set to the music of a ticking clock, aborigine instruments, smooth jazz, a Vegas lounge guitar act, moaning, and the death rattle of Rob Estes' dignity.

Here's the full opening credits. But much more fun is a break down of 50 still frames from the opening. These are their actual order - I edited nothing.

Hey, a show about golf.

Golf and police.

On boats.

And horses.

I'm beginning to think this show is not about golf.

Hey, why is that guy running?

Maybe because the cocktail waitress is shooting at him.

She shot his clothes off!

Life is sexier when it's blurry.

If these colors were reversed, this would be a scene from Avatar.

Apparently, this guy is still running.

"Before the funeral, can we stop at the bank?"

"Hey, wait for me! My ankles are too skinny to run fast!"

"Can you help me find a gas station?"

"How about BP?"

I was just thinking I'd like someone to shoot me.

Cotton Leggings. Close, but no cigar.

This is the part of the show when everyone gets dressed.


That's her knee. How freaking long are his arms?

Drunk, this show makes even less sense.

Diamonds, legs, and a gun? It's DANGERMONEYSEX!

My favorite part, where the woman suddenly stops the guy's hand and, wait for it...

He roofies her! Oh USA Network! Where characters are welcome.

And now, a woman's ass.

Look, she's farting the title.

"Help, I'm being chased by a guy in a jet pack."

Heidi Montag's first role.

"Upon closer inspection, this show is still shitty."

Stock footage of a sniper from the early 80s.

"Sorry we're late for the funeral. Long line at the bank."

It's always a good idea to splice in footage from "The Blue Lagoon."

The sad thing is that this was the highlight of her career.

Rob Estes eventually left the show to achieve mediocrity in other roles.

"There's been a terrible accident in the woodshop class."

This is either a sexy lady or Chewbacca

Hopefully they will shoot us a few times and make sure we're dead.


A camera took a picture of a camera. It's like looking into a mirror across from a mirror.

"The dentist recommends I floss twice a day."

"I once caught a slut thiiiiiis big."

Is that a sexy woman holding a briefcase? I wonder what she's going to do with it...

And a guy taking a picture of her...

Now the man has the briefcase! Is there an actual storyline developing?

Nope! Cut to a murdered blonde in a track suit.

The girl in the track suit died, but the one in the tight dress got away. Makes sense.

Are these assholes still running?

The game of Marco Polo had a tragic end.

And suddenly, a shot of a tarantula. Why? I think a production assistant randomly had a pet tarantula. There's no way someone could have thought of this shot ahead of time. If only there were some sort of weapon to kill the tarantula that we could end the credits with.

Ah, perfect.