Hello, Dali

I tried to go to the Salvador Dali museum, but I couldn’t get up the stairs. And I still have no idea what the hours are.

Naner

The clerk at hotel breakfast has no discernible accent and pronounced every other word I've heard her say conventionally. But she keeps calling bananas “bananers” and now that is all I can say. Bananer. Bananer. Bananer.

Confusing

All this Coronavirus information is confusing. So I should or shouldn't be licking people at the airport?

Sleep

Some people can't sleep in cars or on planes. When I’m tired, I can sleep in a car that has just fallen off a plane.

Of course I'm still mad about how awful Season 8 of Game of Thrones was. I am still mad about Zach Morris scoring a 1502 on the SAT. YOU CAN'T GET A 1502 AND WESTEROS DOESN'T HAVE A STARBUCKS.

Problems

Freshman year of high school: you are terrified of a red circle on your forehead.

Freshman year of college: you are terrified of a pink circle on a home pregnancy test.

Traveling

The subtext of every conversation I've ever had about traveling:

"You're going to Spain? You have to go to this one restaurant. It's an hour from your hotel and the food is marginal, but I remember its name and want to feel like I'm worldly."

Life

Life is like sunblock. Once you hit 30, the differences are minimal.

As a redhead, I spent a lot of my life thinking something being "shady" was a good thing.

Polls

Presidential poll translation: "This candidate is leading among people who still have home landlines and are sad and bored enough to actually talk to a pollster."

It's only Feb and already this tour has been amazing. I can't wait to see what the rest of 2020 has in store for me. Just wanted to take this moment of quiet and happy reflection to remind you that Air Canada is run by lying pieces of shit. #FuckAirCanada https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/air-canada-westjet-passenger-regulations-cta-1.5455807

Grounded

When I was a kid, being grounded wasn’t much of a punishment. I would just think “I guess I’ll read a book.” Now when kids get grounded, they’re like “This sucks. Now I have to learn to read a book.”

Parking

‪Saw a guy try to parallel park 45° from the curb. When it didn’t work, he U-turned across 4 lanes of traffic to pull in headfirst to a spot smaller than the first one. People lose their license all the time for speeding, which takes skill. Moves like this should be instant DQ.‬

Kirk Douglas

In 2012 at the Improv, a 20-something lady was making out with a guy in his 90s. The bar was buzzing cause it was Kirk Douglas! But it wasn't. It was a guy who said he was Kirk Douglas, and some fame-chasing idiot believed him. RIP Kirk. You (and your imposter) led a good life.

At the DMV, standing because there are no seats. There is a woman sitting with her stroller blocking two chairs. She's playing a cartoon on her phone, loudly - while the baby is asleep. I hope they suspend her license.