Monday, December 28, 2009

Appropriate Times To Type "LOL"

You have begun to type "lollipop," had a seizure, and fell on the enter key.

You have set a high score, and your name is Loretta Oswald Lorettaberg.

Mavis Beacon is teaching you to touch type.

You are foreign, and learned all of your English from an 8th grade girl.

Your i, e, and n keys are broken, and someone demands to know the first name of Nicole Ritchie's father.

You are retarded.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A List of Every Single Person Still Using MySpace

Tom.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Goofus and Gallant for 2010

Highlights Magazine is trumpeting Goofus and Gallant's updated look. Here's their updated attitude.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What Your Facebook Profile Picture Really Means

No facebook profile picture is perfect - but here are some of the most common ones and what they reveal about our personalities.

You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.

You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.

You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.

You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.

A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.

A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?

You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"

You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.

You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.

You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.

Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.

You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.

No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.

You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What Your Facebook Status Really Means

I've had enough of the drama!
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.

The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.

"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.

Back on the market!
You recently broke up with a significant other, and are masking your feelings of loneliness by desperately trying to get attention. Especially if it's in front of your ex. By the way, we all know that dude with you in your facebook picture is actually your cousin.

Ugh!
Something insignificant is wrong. Maybe the person you like (but know is a douchebag) is acting like a douchebag. Or maybe you're an overachiever and someone else in your honors class turned in a paper that was half a page longer than yours. Either way, you know deep down that none of this will matter in a year, but you still want sympathy.

I love my friends! You guys are SOOOOO awesome! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!!!
You value people who pretend they are friends with you. If it were not for facebook's birthday reminders, you'd have gotten three happy birthdays and they would have all been from your grandmother.

I can't wait for the summer to be over! I miss everyone!
The summer has become a scary reminder of how bad high school was. With every passing day, you are reminded why you went away to school in the first place.

Whatever
You are pretending to be indifferent about something that clearly bothers you, or you wouldn't have addressed it. Indifference is denoted by silence, not cries for help.

Last night was off the chain! I'd tell you about it, but I'm too drunk to remember!
You're mildly clever. But if last night was truly off the chain, you'd be passed out or hung over, not updating your status at 9:00 AM.

I'm lonely!
This one is embarrassingly honest.

I love cock! I want to blow everyone!
Your account has been hacked. When you check your Facebook in the computer lab, log out.

Friday, October 16, 2009

People More Hated Than Balloon Boy's Father

Now that we're pretty sure the whole balloon boy thing was a hoax, I can't imagine anyone that doesn't hate the asshole father behind it all. I can, however, imagine 10 people we hate more.

10. Whoever green lit "Cop Rock."

9. The blond bad guy from Karate Kid.

8. The Nigerian Finance Minister.

7. The Shoe Bomber.

6. The guy that figured out how to block porn on an office computer.

5. The CEO of AIG.

4. Bill Buckner (In Boston).

3. The first mime.

2. The person that invented Emo.

1. Jon Gosselin.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Top Ten Inconstancies on Saved By The Bell

10) The most obvious inconsistency was the morphing of Zach Morris' Indiana junior high to a California high school. It's hard on a kid to uproot like Zach Morris had to (especially after all the work he did to be a member of the uber-exclusive Rigmas). Of course, transition is easier when you can bring two of your best friends, your principal, and your physical school building. The good news was that the California location enabled the school to be called "Bayside." And that led to that brilliant cheer, "B Ba B Ba Ba Ba B. B Ba B Ba Ba Ba B " Go Bayside!" That must have taken dozens of seconds to write.

9) Speaking of best friends, the show makes reference to Zach and Jessie being friends their whole life. She must have taken 8th grade off because she wasn't around when the show first started. Kind of like the time she took senior year to test pilot season. Uh, I mean model in France. Traveling like that can be so exciting. So exciting. And scary.

8) Zack should be in jail. While we're made to believe he's just an incorrigible prankster, Zack has committed grand theft auto, kidnapping, racketeering, forgery, identity theft, mail fraud, and destruction of public property. The nicest thing he's ever done is cheat on his girlfriend.

7) No one can hold on to a family member for more than two episodes. Perhaps Mr. Belding's hipper younger brother Rod moved back home to Indiana. Maybe Jessie's bastard New Yorker half-brother Eric isn't talking to her anymore despite the gang convincing him to stay at Bayside. Maybe Kelly's parents didn't let her watch her baby brother Billy after Zack lost him. Maybe Zack's powerful yet uncaring father Derek was too busy with mergers and other businessy terms to spend time with him. Maybe Slater's tomboy/bombshell sister JD was sent to a convent. And maybe Kelly's sister Nicki disappeared when writers remembered that Kelly only had brothers. As if the show had writers.

6) Beloved pets don't exist until it's announced that they're beloved. First, there's Screech's parents' prized beagle Hounddog. Screech's parents named the dog in honor of Elvis, who they were such big fans of that they mentioned it in one whole episode. In the hundreds of scenes shot in Screech's room, Hounddog never existed - perhaps Screech's robot Kevin was a bit jealous of Hounddog. The real ridiculous one was Slater's pet chameleon Artie, who only existed in time to die.

"This is the most important thing in my life. I promise. Um, why don't any of you know about it? Well, Maybe there are a lot of things you don't know about me. YOU DON'T CONTROL ME!!!"

By the way, Screech having built his own robot is not an inconsistency. If there's one thing we know about dorky 15-year-olds in the 90s, it's that they can all build robots. Maybe next Screech can build Zach a cell phone smaller than a two-liter bottle (which he somehow kept in his back pocket, while sitting down).

5) Bayside can somehow afford a football team, track team, cheerleading squad, swimming team, oil rigs, auto shop, teen hotline, home ec kitchen, student store, ski trip, water polo team, ROTC, wrestling team, radio station, and yes, a restaurant. They must have saved all that money by only hiring seven teachers. And not building a second floor. 

4) When AC Slater's father was stationed in Germany, Slater apparently was inseparable from fellow army brat and then girlfriend Jennifer. Bayside must be in an army town because Jennifer became a Tiger for an episode. That's right " her father moved her across the world to the same town as her ex-boyfriend. Maybe in the one episode he existed, AC's dad told Jennifer's dad all about how wonderful the school was. What with the a football team, track team, cheerleading squad, oil rigs, auto shop, teen hotline, home ec kitchen, store, ski trip, water polo team, ROTC, wrestling team, radio station, and restaurant. Yes, a restaurant.

3) Mr. Belding has a secretary he keeps paging, yet the door to his office opens directly into the hallway. This door must not lock, since those wacky kids are always sneaking in and switching the files. The school's files, which are efficiently kept in a single, three-drawer filing cabinet. Probably because there are two-dozen students in the entire school and one of them is named Muffin Sangria.

2) Inconsistencies often happened within one episode. This is the least forgivable offense, as episodes really should be written by the people who freaking write them. One example is the gang's murder mystery. At one point, Zack suggests that "the butler did it." About ten minutes later, he refers to Screech saying the butler did it. How did NO ONE on set notice? I can forgive Lark Vorhies; she was probably busy, already planning how to destroy her face with an insane amount of plastic surgery.

And of course, there's the Johnny Dakota anti-drug ad. We see the gang shooting the end of the ad, and then they role the entire thing " but the end of the completed ad looks different than what we just saw. How drugged out do you have to be not to simply use the footage you shot? Come on guys " there's no hope with dope.

1) And speaking of drugs, the most memorable episode of the series was easily Jessie's freak out. Forget about the girls not being able to tell that the Irish old lady janitor was actually Screech. Forget about the fact that the girls suddenly became famous for a crappy ten-years-too-late rip off of "Let's Get Physical." Let's concentrate for a moment on Jessie Spano, the smartest girl in school, freaking out over basic trigonometry. IN HER JUNIOR YEAR. Good math students master trig in 9th grade. And she expected to get into Stansbury (The Harvard of the west). While we're at it, Zack got an impossible 1502 on his SAT. I actually got a 1502 and a half. And boy, was I so excited.

Other Applications of the Five Second Rule

We all know the 5 Second Rule " if food has fallen on the floor for five seconds or less, it's still edible. Because it takes at least five and a half seconds for dirt and bacteria to realize there's any food around to cling to. Why don't you just say what you mean?

"Eating food off the floor is okay, as long as you're hungry and no one has stepped on it."

Tasty? Sure. Logical? Of course not. So I applied that logic to other situations, and I bring you larger scale applications of the five-second rule:

Poisonous Gas and Radiation
As long as you've been exposed to toxic fumes for less than five seconds, you can't get sick or become a zombie. See, if the Incredible Hulk had simply moved out from in front of the military microwave a few seconds earlier, we never would have had two see two horrible movies. Note: Exposure to Hulk movies for even three seconds can be lethal.

Cheating
You didn't cheat on your girlfriend at a party, your tongue just fell in some girl's vagina. No big deal, Brah - it was just a few licks. Just dust it off and put it back in your mouth. Your tongue, not her vagina.

Lightning
Everyone knows that getting hit by lightning for ten or fifteen seconds can kill you. But getting hit for just a few is adorable. It's like rubbing socks on carpet and shocking your friends. Provided your carpet and socks produce 300 kilovolts. Pay no attention to the sound "kill" in that last sentence.

Hate Crimes
What's a little gay bashing and racism between friends? If it's less than five seconds of it, Tom Foolery! Or maybe Tom DeLay, I always get those confused. Anyway, grab your truck and your chain - because if you're considering a hate crime you probably already own a truck and a chain. And five seconds of hate speech against democrats is not a hate crime either - it's a promo for Glenn Beck.

Child Abuse
Keeping a kid in a bunker and raping her for 18 years is wrong - but five seconds of torture? What's the harm? Just knocking the kid around with a few swings isn't child abuse - it's a life lesson. They'll thank you for it some day. Provided you haven't also been raped for five seconds by your cellmate.

Cocaine
One sniff can't kill you. Unless you do something that can kill you while you're on cocaine. But the good news is that if you do enough cocaine, everything you do thereafter will take less than five seconds.

Virginity
Everyone knows that losing your virginity is a big deal. But not if you get to keep it! Just have sex for less than five seconds and you've never had sex at all. Pregnancy, STDs, even emotional attachment all take at least six seconds. And sorry if I've confused anyone whose never lasted more than five seconds.

Arson

A few seconds of arson isn't dangerous, it's pretty. As long as the fire doesn't spread, it can't hurt anything. And if there's one thing we know about fire, it's that it rarely spreads. Right, California?

Indecent Exposure
An old guy walking around naked is disgusting. But just flashing some school children? A hilarious prank. An image of a wrinkly nut sack next to a wrinklier thigh needs time to get burned into your memory forever and ever. Like the one you're imagining now.

Sexual Abuse By a Family Member
You can't prosecute anyone if they only raped you briefly. So next time you're haunted by the image of your uncle forcing you to have sex against your will, put down that strip club job application and remind yourself, "five second rule!"

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Problem With Adding Comments to Facebook







Note: any resemblance to real people is accidental, and maybe happened because of google images.

Monday, July 27, 2009

What You're Saying With Your Drink Order

Budweiser, Miller, or Coors 
Guys: They don't have kegs at this bar? What kind of low-brow place is this?
Guys buying it for girls: I don't celebrate anniversaries, I don't care about your friends, and as soon as you expect commitment, I will drop you. May as well get used to it.
Girls: Does drinking cheap beer make me look sexy and tomboyish?

Sam Adams, Honey Brown, or Pete's Wicked 
Guys: I bet this beer tastes good because it costs more.
Guys buying it for girls: Work study? Hah! That's for suckers. I've got a swanky internship paying me $10 an hour!
Girls: Drinking cheap beer makes me look too tomboyish. Does drinking expensive beer make me look sexy?

Guinness 
Guys: I don't intend to get drunk tonight. Thankfully, this beer takes a half hour to finish.
Guys buying it for girls: I don't want you to leave this bar for the next half hour.
Girls: I hope I'm not hung over during rugby tomorrow.

Natural Ice, Old Milwaukee, or Pabst Blue Ribbon 
Guys: Hey, can I borrow a dollar?
Guys buying it for girls: If you think that's impressive, you should see the generic brand cereal we'll be eating tomorrow morning.
Girls: Man, that sex change was expensive.

Long Island Iced Tea 
Guys: I'm not drunk enough yet to be charming. One of these should do it.
Guys buying it for girls: I don't think this girl is drunk enough yet to think I'm charming. One of these should do it.
Girls: I'm really easy, but I don't want to admit it. None of these guys are charming, but now I can blame it on the alcohol when I sleep with them.

Shot of Tequila 
Guys: Hey, is someone stealing my tiny, very expensive red sports car?
Guys buying it for girls: I figure either we'll hook up or you'll pass out on my floor. Maybe a little of both.
Girls: Does anyone know where I put my birth control pills?

Sex on the Beach 
Guys: That midori sour was a little weak.
Guys buying it for girls: See, it's got sex in the name. Get it? Like, it's just the name of a drink, but it says "sex". Understand?
Girls: Hey, the color of this drink matches my tube top!

Water 
Guys: I better sober up so I don't pass out before I hook up with this girl.
Guys buying it for girls: I better get this girl sobered up so she doesn't pass out before we hook up.
Girls: I better sober up so I don't hook up with the guy who bought me all those drinks.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Eulogy for MySpace

We are gathered here together to mourn the loss of our dear friend and family member, MySpace. MySpace is survived by her beloved husband Tom, and their 143, 286 million children.

It is good to see so many of MySpace's children here today. Goth Girl, Hip Hop Artist, Guy in Sun Glasses and a Popped Collar, Two Girls Making Out, and Guy With No Shirt. Thank you for coming.

I first met MySpace five years ago through a friend. She was great. We listened to music, we read to each other, and we passed the time when I was supposed to be doing actual work.

She helped me catch up with old friends, and meet new, sluttier friends. 

Myspace was kind and forgiving, and didn't judge me when I told her I liked Maroon 5.

I thought those days would last forever, like the ads for some dating site where it looks like a webcam of a hot chick checking me out. But she started falling in with the wrong crowd. Before I knew it, all her friends had become pornographers and con-artists, and worse, Rupert Murdoch.

I could barely talk to her without her telling me about Fox's newest buddy cop film or what Lindsay Lohann may or may not have said. Most times I visited, she was blasting terrible music or trying to sell me a giftcard to Victoria's Secret.

After a while I didn't even recognize her - and not just because she was covered in tacky HTML and glittery cursors like some two-dollar whore. Even Tom wasn't really around much anymore.

Let's remember the good times. And I mean really remember, not the way that MySpace would tell you to click "remember me" and then not remember you next time you signed on.

Remember how hilarious it was to see everyone over 30 years old list themselves as 99. Remember getting to interact with not only your favorite celebrity, but with 14 other people pretending to be your favorite celebrity. Remember how entertaining it was to listen to your friend's favorite song EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU LOADED THEIR PAGE.

And remember the lessons she taught us. Remember that just because you have three kids at home doesn't mean you can't show strangers what you look like bent over a couch. Remember that teenage outcasts can pretend to have names like "Illusion of Chaos," while their real name is Sheldon. And remember that every fat girl has at least one picture of herself taken at precisely the right angle.

I'm going to miss you, MySpace. How else will I get girls I don't know to come to shows, and then maybe sleep with me after? I mean, I could just search by zip code. And they were all so mad at their dads.

We're going to miss you, MySpace. But we will be comforted to know that you're in a better place now. With Friendster.

(With help from Mike Trainor)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

If History Had Twitter's 140 Character Limit

I have a dream that everyone was treated equally and I sure hope it happens.
-MLKBirmingham

A long time ago, older people founded our country. Don't forget all the cool stuff our military has done. Now please go free your slaves.
-Abetastic

We the people of the United States of America, are really freakin tired of the British.
-AmericaRox

@Friends, @Romans, @Countrymen. Caesar was a dick but I miss the guy. Brutus was a bigger dick. 
-TheRealMarkAnthony

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So stop being wieners. Come on guys, buy things.
-WheelsMcGee

Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Thanks for the support. Red Sox suck!
-IronHorse

@Europe Slow your roll. Don't make us come over there. We got bombs.
-MonroeDoctrine

I'm god, no one else is. Take a day off and don't say my name. Don't kill, steal, lie, covet, or cheat on anyone. And call your parents.
-BritneyFan12

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook (Part II)

I recently wrote a piece for CollegeHumor.com called "A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook." It was a sarcastic guide to old people making a concerted effort to creep out their children. Most people who read it took it as a joke. Of course, most people who read this site aren't old and creepy. I might be, but my readers aren't.

Except one guy. Here's his unedited, hi-lariously misspelled response to me, coupled with my line-by-line response to him.

Very funny.
Thanks. You have good taste for a silly geaser.

Here is my letter to kids who's parents joined Facebook.
Oh, I can't wait! I bet it's clever! Or maybe it's just a poorly written, knee-jerk, un-proofread response from a cornball too dumb to realize a site called "College Humor" might be joking.

Hey, did your mom or dad sign up for FB? I bet you though they were too old to do so or maybe they were doing it to spy on you.
Actually, we "though" our parents were bright enough to spell things correctly. Our mistak.

Guess what, we have a life of our own, and believe it or not it doesn't always involve you.
I now believe that you often make decisions without factoring in the welfare of your children. That's an age-old parenting technique called "shitty parenting." Thank you, Susan Smith.

In fact, you just complicate things and cost us money.
Then maybe you should have spent 30 cents on a condom, you short-sighted prick.

We actually joined for other reasons, like to communicate with our friends. Now our friend count isn't nearly as large as yours, but unlike you, we only accept requests from......brace yourself......FRIENDS. Not just anyone who happens to ping your account.
Which is why you requested your son, his roommate, his professors, and people you haven't spoken to since Nixon was president. Because clearly, you only want to keep in touch with your close friends.

These are fiends we have known for years, including the years before kids. We actually refer to these as the Wonder Year...as in wondering why we even had kids.
Oh, snap! You said that your children were accidents, and you'd be better off with out them. Way to show me who the REAL dick is!

We even know these people's last names. We didn't just happen to meet them one night at a friends birthday party, or just stumble across their hot picture while trolling FB. These are people we have actually seen in person.
Aren't you the same generation that preached free love? So you can have an acid-fueled anti-war orgy at a Starship concert, but when we want to email someone we think is cute, THAT'S going too far?

As for pictures. We have lots of them to put in our albums.....
Sorry, but Facebook doesn't take slide film.

Ones with you in your diapers,
Any minute now, Chris Hansen will show up and tell you to have a seat.

crying over a bad haircut or home perm,
Home perm? Ping? Birthday parties? How out of touch are you? "I'll tell everyone at the sodie shop that you're a square!" And what kind of sadist takes pictures of his kids crying?

dressed in some goofy Easter Sunday outfit with your family
And you think WE'RE self-involved? The reason that would embarrass your kids is because YOU dressed them like that and they don't want to be seen with YOU. Take your head out of your bunny suit for a second and get some perspective.

Oh yeah, we have hot pictures for FB.
How could you possibly write that sentence without realizing how perverted you sound?

Remember, it was our generation that developed computers and the internet.
Thank you for your invention. While you were using it to play pong and look at VGA semi-porn, we kicked it up a notch. Hope you don't mind.

In fact, it is very likely we paid for the computer and internet service you are using to dis us!!!!!
My favorite part of this sentence is that you think the word "dis" somehow makes you relatable. Thanks for rapping with us, hep cat. We can dig it.

So before you get too high and mighty, remember you are just one handout away from being off FB!
Thanks, neglect-a-tron. You really hammered home the point that you wish you never had kids. Just remember that when you get older, your kids will be the ones taking care of you. Which makes you one handout away from being granny dumped at a racetrack.

Enjoy your surfing!! Just be careful!
Thanks to your recent foray into Facebook, we HAVE to be careful. What you don't understand (other than sarcasm) is that we have no problem with you being on Facebook. The problem comes when you add your kid as a friend, thus joining their social circle. You just became the creepy old guy at the college bar.

"But why shouldn't I be allowed to socialize?" You are allowed, just not with us. That's why there's a bar at Applebees.

Keep in touch with your friends all you want. Just don't do it in the same place we keep in touch with ours.

Might I suggest Friendster?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook

Dear Parent,

Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?

To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.

Your Information:Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.

Your Pictures:
You're supposed to post plenty of pictures of yourself if you're hot. If you're ugly, you're supposed to post pictures of things you like, and one or two of yourself at a strange angle where you look like you could be hot if someone squints. But you're old, so that "if you're hot" thing isn't an option.

Tagging Pictures:Facebook allows you to identify when your friends are in a picture you took. This is a great way to let people know when you post a group picture of them, and for people to see what ugly people really look like when someone else tags them. It also lets people tag a picture of cartoons and say their friends are certain characters in it, thus offending at least half of them.

News Feed:This is what you joined for " stalking your children. This will provide you knowledge of everything all your friends do. That will help stalk your children, since they are the only people you know young enough to legitimately have a Facebook.

Poking:Poking is done by people too uncreative to say complicated things like "hello." DO NOT engage someone in a poke war. It will escalate, someone will eventually use nuclear weapons, and we will all die.  
Event Invitations:If you're hosting an event, this is a great way to invite all your friends with no regard to whether or not they can attend or if you actually want them there. I recommend you use it for your bridge games, PTA meetings, and eventual post-divorce orgy.

Groups:Want to feel like you belong? Then join a group of like-minded people. Until the creator sends way too many emails. Then leave.

Applications:There are useful applications, and there are also contests between vampires and werewolves. If you have a teenage daughter, you should try the vampire stuff so you can understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight. (Note: You will never understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight).

Fan Pages:This is a way that people can show their public support for things they enjoy. You will probably become a fan of Larry King, Neil Diamond, and embarrassing your children by being on Facebook. Seriously, what the fuck?

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Honest Older Guy on Your Spring Break Trip

Hey, baby! How are you? Good, good, I don't care, good. I only asked because it's easier to see you naked if I seem interested in your thoughts, which are probably about how I have a six pack. Did you notice my six pack?
Where do you go to school? Oh my god! I totally visited there except I didn't! But you don't know that. Hey, what's that bar right by campus that you will say the name of and I'll pretend I knew the name of? Yeah, that one! Do they still have that hot bartender? And they serve that one really cool drink? Don't we seem like friends now? We could totally be friends, if you knew anything true about me and I wasn't a terrible person. Did I show you my six pack?

You and your friends HAVE to come out with us tonight. Because this bar is too bright to roofie you. And I know all the hot spots. That's because I'm 25 and this is the seventh year in a row I've come down here. After I graduated college, I realized that it's hard to meet chicks in the real world. Especially when I work in the mail room of my dad's firm. But that's okay because you think I'm a senior and I'm going to law school next year. And what a coincidence! The law school I said  I'm going to go to is like an hour from your campus. You could totally believe we'll ever see each other again.

What do I think about this place? Well, it really is a bit too bright. But I like all the easy girls who convince themselves that I might be the one. As if anyone you meet on vacation when you're drunk and 18 could possibly be the one. Wait, you are 18, right? Whew! I was afraid you might be 19 or 20. You scared me for a minute.

See, you have this romantic notion of what's going to happen down here because movies tell you that love at first sight is possible, maybe even probable. And until now, the closest you've gotten to being in love is a hand job in your prom limo.

I'm here to cash in on that notion. Don't worry " you're not the only one I?m going to take advantage of. There'll be someone else tomorrow. There might even be someone else tonight. Hey, your friend is kind of cute. I might stop making out with you to try to fuck her. But not if you seem easier. I may not be that bright, but I'm not stupid.

SPRING BREAK! I shout that to remind girls that this is a vacation, so their sluttiness doesn't count. I also yell that because I don't know how else to let people know that I am enjoying myself. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RELATE TO MOST PEOPLE! WOOOOOO!

We should get out of here soon. The longer you and I talk, the sooner you might realize that I'm a pathetic douchebag who can't get girls my own age and spends a few grand each year to have random sex and bury my pain in margaritas. Thankfully, I have extra cash from living with my parents. Man, I'm hoping my dad promotes me soon.

Spring Break?