Friday, September 4, 2009

Other Applications of the Five Second Rule

We all know the 5 Second Rule " if food has fallen on the floor for five seconds or less, it's still edible. Because it takes at least five and a half seconds for dirt and bacteria to realize there's any food around to cling to. Why don't you just say what you mean?

"Eating food off the floor is okay, as long as you're hungry and no one has stepped on it."

Tasty? Sure. Logical? Of course not. So I applied that logic to other situations, and I bring you larger scale applications of the five-second rule:

Poisonous Gas and Radiation
As long as you've been exposed to toxic fumes for less than five seconds, you can't get sick or become a zombie. See, if the Incredible Hulk had simply moved out from in front of the military microwave a few seconds earlier, we never would have had two see two horrible movies. Note: Exposure to Hulk movies for even three seconds can be lethal.

You didn't cheat on your girlfriend at a party, your tongue just fell in some girl's vagina. No big deal, Brah - it was just a few licks. Just dust it off and put it back in your mouth. Your tongue, not her vagina.

Everyone knows that getting hit by lightning for ten or fifteen seconds can kill you. But getting hit for just a few is adorable. It's like rubbing socks on carpet and shocking your friends. Provided your carpet and socks produce 300 kilovolts. Pay no attention to the sound "kill" in that last sentence.

Hate Crimes
What's a little gay bashing and racism between friends? If it's less than five seconds of it, Tom Foolery! Or maybe Tom DeLay, I always get those confused. Anyway, grab your truck and your chain - because if you're considering a hate crime you probably already own a truck and a chain. And five seconds of hate speech against democrats is not a hate crime either - it's a promo for Glenn Beck.

Child Abuse
Keeping a kid in a bunker and raping her for 18 years is wrong - but five seconds of torture? What's the harm? Just knocking the kid around with a few swings isn't child abuse - it's a life lesson. They'll thank you for it some day. Provided you haven't also been raped for five seconds by your cellmate.

One sniff can't kill you. Unless you do something that can kill you while you're on cocaine. But the good news is that if you do enough cocaine, everything you do thereafter will take less than five seconds.

Everyone knows that losing your virginity is a big deal. But not if you get to keep it! Just have sex for less than five seconds and you've never had sex at all. Pregnancy, STDs, even emotional attachment all take at least six seconds. And sorry if I've confused anyone whose never lasted more than five seconds.


A few seconds of arson isn't dangerous, it's pretty. As long as the fire doesn't spread, it can't hurt anything. And if there's one thing we know about fire, it's that it rarely spreads. Right, California?

Indecent Exposure
An old guy walking around naked is disgusting. But just flashing some school children? A hilarious prank. An image of a wrinkly nut sack next to a wrinklier thigh needs time to get burned into your memory forever and ever. Like the one you're imagining now.

Sexual Abuse By a Family Member
You can't prosecute anyone if they only raped you briefly. So next time you're haunted by the image of your uncle forcing you to have sex against your will, put down that strip club job application and remind yourself, "five second rule!"

1 comment:

  1. Actually the Mythbusters tested the five second rule and found it's actually true. If you can get the food off the floor in less then 5 seconds, there are fewer germs and dirt on said food.


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