Happy new year!

With just a few hours left this decade, I just wanted to take the time to remind all people, no matter where you are from or what you look like, the most important thing to remember in 2020: #FuckAirCanada

ESPN

ESPN is airing the cornhole championships. I don’t know if these guys are sponsored by a restaurant or they just have to work a shift immediately after.

Guns

I love the people who don’t wanna register their guns so the government doesn’t know they have them - but also have a “don’t take my guns” bumper sticker. Uh, I think they might know.

Break a show

A guy left the venue and said “I’m too drunk to stay. Break a show!” He said this from the driver’s seat of his car. Thanks man. Try not to break anything at all.

A poem

And now, a poem:

If it frustrates you or angers you when someone calls you “cuck”

Remind yourself they’ve married someone no one wants to fuck.

Kid Rock

A sound guy asked what I wanted played before my show so I told him rock or hip hop (and no country). He put on Kid Rock's "Cowboy". I reminded him I didn't want any country, and he said "But his name is rock." He took it well when I explained that Kid Rock is also not a child.

Traveling

Traveling will make you realize that people are alike everywhere. Because no matter where you are in the world or what brings you there, airport security will still be a bunch of completely incompetent worker drones who can’t seem to read an x-ray.

I got to be on a podcast called "Famous Dead People" where I was Franklin Pierce, an alcoholic racist who was also our 14th president. Brett Druck played Luke Perry, and Jarret Berenstein hosted. It's a hilarious hour of fun. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-151-luke-perry-president-franklin-pierce/id1197047680?i=1000457347367

Age

Sometimes when people say they are middle-aged, I wonder how freaking long they think people live.

Blog

The thing about being on a podcast with @BrittanyFurlan is you get to be included in the dumbest clickbait articles. Look at this "journalist" who purposefully misrepresented Brittany. Hate to give clicks, but it's too stupid. https://metalheadzone.com/tommy-lees-wife-names-the-person-she-forced-into-phone-sex-and-its-not-tommy/

Belfast

The two biggest pieces of tourism in Belfast are the Titanic and Game of Thrones. So they celebrate a horrible shipwreck that sank one of the most grand and talked about voyages in human history. And the Titanic.

Flight

The guy behind me told the flight attendant “My mother is 89, it’s probably her last trip to Europe.” His mother responded “I’m not dead yet, asshole”. Oh, I like her. I like her a lot.

Flight

The guy behind me told the flight attendant “My mother is 89, it’s probably her last trip to Europe.” His mother responded “I’m not dead yet, asshole”. Oh, I like her. I like her a lot.

My lyft driver

My lyft driver suffers from a rare condition where his foot weighs 700 pounds. Good thing we are in stop-and-go traffic for an hour. It’s so fun to feel like someone is cutting us off every 30 seconds. He has free water bottles, but no airsick bags.

Shows

Please, please, please, stop mentioning Walter to me at shows. I know many of you hurt too, but thinking of him just keeps the pain fresh. If you want to say something, just say "Lets go Mets". I will know what you mean, and it will make me smile instead of making me sad.

Rita

Rita Earl Blackwell, who photographed Walter when I first got him, posted a wonderful tribute with her favorite shots of him. If anyone wants to go see when the potato was a little younger: https://www.instagram.com/p/B4S6nzhgDQU/?igshid=zrmpyy8vwp47

Thank you

Thank you everyone for your wonderful messages of support. It is inspiring to see just how much Walter was loved. My one request is please please please don't bring him up when you see me at shows. Even condolences will make me think of him, and I just can't be sad at work right now. I hope you understand, and thank you.

New restaurant idea

New restaurant idea: Vietnamese place called "One...Two...Three and to the Pho". Our slogan is "It's like this and like that and like this and pho."

Huntsville

Heads up for anyone coming to the Huntsville show tonight. Their systems went down so the bar is still open, but it’s cash only. Show is still on and showroom seems pretty cool. See you soon! 

Spice Girls

In 1996, the Spice Girls sang that "friendship never ends". Think about all the people you were friends with in 1996. I'd bet that most of those friendships have ended.

Mommy

Just overheard a man in his thirties refer to his mother as "my mommy", so the day is going well already.

Hotel

I just had a hotel clerk try to correct me on the spelling of my own last name.

Burger King

There's a @BurgerKing. But there's no Burger Prince or Burger Princess. When he dies, who becomes king? What is the succession order for the Burger kingdom? I have so many questions.

Stevens Point

Tonight I’m performing in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. So come see Steven’s point in Stevens Point.

Rokfin

I just posted two full sets from 2017 to my Rokfin, unedited.

One is the set where I met Heckler Tim in Osaka Japan. The other is the set where two dirtbags walked out on their check in Sacramento.

These sets will be deleted when I post the next full ones, so go check them out now. Thanks!

https://rokfin.com/SteveHofstetter

TikTok

Hey! I'm gonna be posting a bunch of stand-up clips to TikTok, so follow me on there @thehofstetter

Also, really cool to see people lip-synching to my stand-up on there (and tagging me with proper credit!). I'm gonna share some of my favorites to my Instagram story.

Charity

I’m starting a charity where fellow tall people get things down from high places. It’s called “Shelf Help”.

Our slogan is “Helping People Help Them Shelves.”

Delta

I am continually impressed with the average human’s ability to stand blocking an airport doorway and not act like they’re being a complete monster.

Seattle

Wanna see me in Seattle? The Columbia City Theatre is bringing in ten more seats for tonight's shows! Tickets just released on SteveHofstetter.com - grab them before they're gone.

Amazing

Cool thing: Two people who's "first date" was my VR Sansar show continued to date in the non-virtual world. They just visited the Sansar offices - and got engaged there. Congratulations to "Wolfen" and "TimeyMaster" - may all your happiness be non-virtual.

Ben Gleib

So proud of this amazing piece on Ben Gleib's presidential run. Gleib2020!

https://majority60.com/2019/09/05/seeing-2020-presidential-candidate-ben-gleib/

The Simpsons

When I started watching the Simpsons, I was Bart’s age. Now I’m older than Homer.

Victory!

When Fetch Sport stole (and monetized) one of my bits, I asked them to take it down and was ignored. So I asked you for help. After the avalanche of thousands of comments from my fans and friends, they have removed my story from their website. Thank you for the victory, redophiles. You are awesome.

Airport

Walter was laying by my feet in the airport & a kid ran right at him. I stepped in the kid's way & he bounced off me. The mom glared at me, so I said "He almost hit my dog." She said wild animals shouldn't be allowed in the airport. I said, "Yeah. One of them almost hit my dog."

Parking spots

Are there any laws regarding how wide parking spots need to be? Because there really should be laws regarding how wide parking spots need to be. 

Parking spots

Are there any laws regarding how wide parking spots need to be? Because there really should be laws regarding how wide parking spots need to be. 

Advice

I want to tell someone that they shouldn’t give anyone unsolicited advice, but I have to wait for them to ask me.

Lambo

There is someone in the LA Fitness parking lot Loudly revving their McLaren. Way to impress everyone at the gym that costs $17 a month. Next you should drive over to the Dollar General. 

Anonymous

There are many great reasons to be anonymous online. Maybe you are a political dissident, or a corporate whistleblower, or have a job that requires it, or are simultaneously a total shitbag and an enormous coward. Many great reasons.

Gif

Shoutout to MortalDanger00 on Reddit for making this gif of me that is perfect for online commenting: https://i.imgur.com/llu20yK.gifv

Text list

I added Canadian capability to my text list! Hooray! Canadian cell numbers can text STEVE to 393939. American cell numbers can text STEVE to 484848. Adding capability for other countries soon. Join for free to get an update when I have a show near you.

Mitch

Mitch McConnell injured his shoulder tripping over his own lies. His shoulder is fractured, though not nearly as fractured as America’s faith in our government. This injury is particularly difficult for him as it prevents him from patting himself on the back for doing nothing.

Vote

El Paso was in the mall I went to before my show. Dayton was a block from Wiley's, a club I used to own. Vegas was across from the Trop, the night before my show - there were pictures of me in some of the news footage.

I am voting as if my life depends on it. Because it does.

Motorcycle

As usual, I was gently leading Walter to help him keep his balance as he Walters around. Someone on a motorcycle who is too dumb to wear a helmet stopped to yell at me that I was “hurting” him. I smiled as he drove off, and thanked him for not wearing a helmet. 

Donating

If you want to add to the "Fuck you, Nazis" fund (note: not its actual name), you can donate here:

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/donations-link-stand-up-against-hatred-an-evening-of-politically-incorrect-comedy-tickets-67618896941

Tickets were $18 - and we're still selling them to raise $ for the fund. Proceeds go to support the Holocaust curriculum at the local high school.

The pope

Is it offensive to say that I am funnier than the pope? Because I’m totally funnier than the pope. 

Walking on Sunshine

"Walking on Sunshine" is a very happy song unless you're a redhead.

Smooshie

Is Smooshie real? If any SigEps missed the opening video for last night’s Balanced Man Celebration (or want to see it again) it’s up! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A3qQxDIFQs&feature=youtu.be

Motivation

Most people who ask for advice are just asking for shortcuts, not directions. There are no shortcuts. If there was a quicker way to get somewhere, it wouldn’t be a short cut, it would be the way there. Don’t ask for short cuts. Ask for directions. #MondayMotivation

PSAs

I’ve been having so much fun with the memes you folks are making out of my PSA shot. I’ve posted a bunch of my favorites on my instagram story if you wanna see. Some super funny ones up there.

Traffic

When I see a ton of traffic in the other direction, my first thought is “glad I’m not in that.” If it keeps going, my second thought is “that really sucks for those people”. But if it goes for long enough, my third thought is “this is hilarious, and I hope this goes forever.”

Butthole

A woman in a park tried to pet Walter without asking, and then insisted I give him CBD oil for his arthritis (he doesn’t have arthritis). Her kid biked by us, and the woman told her to slow down. The kid said “stop being a butthole!” and biked away before I could high-five her.

My life in 5 emojis

My life in 5 emojis: 👨🏻‍🦰🎤✈️🥔🐶

Bags

My bags on the scale weighed a total of 62 pounds. The airport clerk scolded me to weigh them one at a time to make sure they were under the 70 pound per-bag Sky Priority limit. Just in case one bag weighed 80 pounds and one bag weighed negative 18 pounds. 

Raisin

I accidentally threw a raisin in the recycling bin. But then I realized it’s okay because a raisin is just a recycled grape.