New York

“Things aren’t so great in New York City. They no longer have planes and trains and cars. Please don’t walk here. Sincerely, Delilah.”

Glad

I am so glad that earthquake didn’t happen on the one day in my life I was high.

Holy hell, so many of you have been sending kind words to @Watchgang on IG that they decided to fund a 2nd grant. They just sent ANOTHER $1K to the Martin Foundation, which will go directly towards out of work comedians. (If you wanna keep thanking them, please do!)

Names

When I have to spell "Hofstetter" over the phone, it usually takes a few tries. Today was a first - I had to spell "Steve" 4 times before the guy got it.

Caulk

There was a crack in the seal below my toilet, so water started leaking. I caulked it and it worked, and I am both disproportionately proud and also have a huge desire to go around my house and seal stuff.

Holy hell, I have sold 135 tickets for my online stand-up show in under an hour, and climbing. And the Australians aren't even awake yet! Assuming the tech works the way we've tested it, we may have found a new way for comedians to tour. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/nowhere-comedy-club-30049882972

Last year, I found a genie. Since I'm a touring comedian, I wished for gas under $1 a gallon, no traffic anywhere, and millions of people bored at home, desperately wanting a night out. That genie is an asshole.