Friday, July 30, 2010

I'm Voting Basil Marceaux

I am moving to Tennessee just so that I can vote for Basil Marceaux.  But only if he's running against Foghorn Leghorn.

Vote Basil Marceaux, 2010!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Top Seven Actors Who Were Briefly Awesome

The following is a list of actors who were at the top of the world and close to making the jump to being bankable, a-list celebrities. And then somehow did not. 

7) Alicia Silverstone
After her breakout role in Clueless, everyone loved Alicia Silverstone. Except casting directors, because she was cast in bomb after bomb after bomb. Clueless produced Breckin Meyer, Brttany Murphy, Paul Rudd, and Donald Faison. But when Batman and Robin is the best thing you've done since, your career is as dead as Brittany Murphy.

You might want to return a few of those for store credit...

6) Hayden Christinsen
When Christiansen was tapped to play the new Anakin Skywalker, we had no idea that'd be the last cool thing he'd ever do. Correction - it wasn't even cool then. While it's generally agreed that "Attack of the Clones" is the least bad of the new Star Wars movies, it was the peak of Christiansen's career. And while he's still young, I haven't even heard of anything he's done since. Perhaps he should have used the dark side. Or maybe George Lucas should have written some decent dialogue.

What was worse, murdering children or murdering Star Wars?

5) Ralph Macchio
Making his first big splash as one of The Outsiders, Macchio is best known as the Karate Kid. And always will be. His only decent role after that came in My Cousin Vinny in 1992. Since then, he's mainly been playing himself making fun of himself. At least he has a sense of humor about it. By the way, the other Outsiders included Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze, and Tom Cruise. Oops.

"Put his career in a body bag!"

4) Kellly Mcgillis
In 1985, McGillis played Harrison Ford's love interest in Witness. In 1986, she played Tom Cruise's love interest in Top Gun. In 1987, she vanished. Actually, she's been working steadily ever since, with her roles getting smaller and smaller. In the mid-90s, she appeared in North as "Amish Mom." And the career comes full circle.

Clearly, she's lost that lovin' feelin'.

3) Lindsay Lohan
Lohan is the only one on this list that took herself out of the equation. She was awesome in Mean Girls, but her habit of showing up three days and coked up late quickly turned her from bankable into tabloid fodder. She's now in jail, which may be the safest place for her. Certainly safer than making a sequel to I Know Who Killed Me.

I bet the girls in prison are way meaner.

2) Cuba Gooding Jr.
Gooding has had 63 roles, and 62 of them have been awful. Okay, so his "Boy Getting Haircut" in Coming to America was fine. But after he won an Oscar for Jerry McGuire, he was in Pearl Harbor, Rat Race, Snow Dogs, and Boat Trip all within a year of each other. I'd rather take an actual boat trip to Cuba than watch any of those. It make sense - his Jerry McGuire character was a guy playing for a terrible team, but staying because he was paid well. Perhaps he's a method actor.

Don't get used to the taste, Cuba.

1) Brendan Fraser
Remember School Ties, when Fraser played the dramatic role of David Greene, the great Jewish quarterback from a small mining town in western Pennsylvania? The fact that he's the same guy who has starred in a dozen flops since is almost as unbelievable as there being a great Jewish quarterback from a small mining town in western Pennsylvania. Then came George of the Jungle, Dudley Do-Right, and Journey to the Center of the Earth - and those are just examples of his remakes that sucked. I'm at the point now where if Brendan Fraser is in a movie, I won't see it. No matter how allegedly Jewish his character might be.

You probably should have worn that helmet in the rest of your movies, too.

Honorable mentions:

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Awesome as Buffy. Awesome as an incestuous crazy in Cruel Intentions. Best role since has been The Grudge 2.

Phoebe Cates: Best bikini scene ever. Love interest in Gremlins. Now her biggest role is raising Kevin Kline's children.

Ben Affleck: After School Ties, Dazed and Confused, Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, and Good Will Hunting, Affleck was in Gigli, Daredevil, Paycheck, Armageddon, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Surviving Christmas, and the Sum of All Fears, to name a few. And I thought the sum of all fears was that he'd keep making movies. Or maybe that's Armageddon.

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Marcia Cross is Afraid of Vegetables

There's a Mott's Commercial where Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross is hiding under a picnic table while she tells people to hide vegetables in their juice. Seriously. That's what happens. Take a look.

For those of you who don't have the patience to wade through the whole 30 seconds of madness, here are some highlights.

Run Marcia! There's a giant eye-less face attacking the village! I bet it's after all the apples and carrots you're harvesting.
It's getting closer! Why are you smiling!
Maybe you can pop it with some of these carrots!
Where'd the carrots go? And why does Billy suddenly look uncomfortable?
The face will never find me under here! Wait, are those carrots and a tomato sitting on a picnic bench? Yum!
Ah hah! The face can't turn corners. I will be safe behind this wall. Let me just take a look and see if it's over. Oh god! It's still there. The blood! There's so much blood!
So kids, drink your vegetables, or you will be mauled by a giant eye-less face. The Desperate Housewives lady says so.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'm Going to Racially Profile White People

When the news of Arizona's new immigration law came out, there were four basic reactions.

1) Impractical Liberal With No Sense of Reality
"All people should be allowed into America, no matter how much it drains our resources. National borders are what's destroying this world. We should all be one!"

2) Racist Conservative that Wants to Find a Scapegoat and Never Studied History
"Those damn Mexicans are taking our jobs. America was built without immigrants! Now we got Meixcans coming in from Puerto Rico, Mexicans from Cuba, even Mexicans from Mexico!"

3) Rational Person That Inexplicably Trusts the Police
"We do need immigration reform. And if the police can't protect us, who can? It's not a big deal to prove you're American, just carry your license with you."

4) Rational Person That Doesn't Trust the Police
"We do need immigration reform. But it shouldn't be at a cop's discretion who to reform. Ever see Bad Lieutenant?"

I am clearly in that last group. Though that second group is tempting. How freeing must it be to blame everyone but yourself?

"Oh, dammit - the Mexicans stubbed my toe again!"

Group #3 isn't that far off from my thought process - the main disagreement I have is that we can't trust an individual police offer to make a judgment call as to whether or not someone looks American. If we give them that ability, they can use it against any one of us. So, well, I'm going to use it against any one of us.

Instead of boycotting Arizona, I came up with a new plan to book a show at a state funded school in Arizona (which I just did). I will then use the money from that show to go to the governor's mansion with cameras. And I will stop white people on their way out and ask them to prove they're not Canadian.

Governor Jan Brewer - wearing red and white, but where is the blue? Where is the blue, Jan???

If they're annoyed that I'm questioning their citizenship just on the basis of their looks, perhaps they'll see my point. But I bet they'll just be happy someone is doing their patriotic duty as an American citizen.

See you in Arizona, Governor Brewer. If that is your real name.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Politics Are For Hot Naked People

Meet Sanziana Buruiana. Thanks to Seth Freeland (hi Seth), I have the heads up that she's a model from Romania who wants to start a political party for "beautiful people." It's a shame, because she wouldn't be able to join.

Take a look. Her face has a twinge of inbred to it, her boobs are somewhat lopsided, and her hair reminds me of several bad guys from Disney movies. She's the kind of girl you'd think was hot if you were staying with her in a youth hostel, but certainly not beautiful enough to start a political party based on it.

Sure, I'm being harsh, but if you're going to say that life is only for the good looking, you better damn well be a perfect ten. Maybe that was just a bad picture? Google Images tells me otherwise.

Check it out, it's Paris Hilton's Eurotrash cousin! Who would probably be named Denver Hilton.

Buruiana also said that she'd jail people who would make blonde jokes, assuming she understands them. I wonder what she'll do to people who make jokes about people with white hair.

One of her other platforms (ha, platforms!) include laws that only allow girls in bikinis to be tour guides. Just so you know, this is a Romanian tour guide:

Does that bikini come in paisly? Of course, this woman would no longer be fat, since Buruiana wants to impose a fat tax of $10 Euros per kilo per month. Someone should explain to Buruiana that she's a 23-year-old anorexic, and the second she gets to old to be a model (you know, in two years), she'll blow up like her last name was Hindenberg.

But the most hilarious part of the story is that Buruiana wants to impose a fine of $100 Euros for infidelity. First, that means she's obviously been cheated on. Second, she thinks that a hundred thirty bucks will stop a man from cheating on his wife. Wake up - he pays more than that just to take his mistress to dinner. And in the states, we already have a fine for infidelity - it's called losing half of your shit.

Buruiana doesn't care that Romania's economy makes Michigan look good. That Romania's top pop singer just killed herself by overdosing on insecticide. Or that 21 people died because it rained. All the-Heidi-Montag-of-Romania cares about is that Romanian people need to get prettier.

Looking at some of her pictures, I agree.

Friday, July 16, 2010

You Can't Click a Newspaper

You should probably read something before you put it in print. This comes to us via the Honolulu Advertiser, via

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Best Gay/Dix Racing Headlines

Walter Dix won the 200 meters in the Prefontaine Classic. Finishing behind him was Tyson Gay, leading to some of the greatest headlines ever. When two of the top runners in the world are named Dix and Gay, clearly they are running from their own last names.

"Dix edges out Gay"
-New Zealand Herald

"Dix shows Gay his heels"
-South African Times

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"

"Tired Gay falls short in 200m"

"Tyson Gay Chased Down And Beaten By Walter Dix In 200m"
-World-Track and Field