You have begun to type "lollipop," had a seizure, and fell on the enter key.
You have set a high score, and your name is Loretta Oswald Lorettaberg.
Mavis Beacon is teaching you to touch type.
You are foreign, and learned all of your English from an 8th grade girl.
Your i, e, and n keys are broken, and someone demands to know the first name of Nicole Ritchie's father.
You are retarded.
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What Your Facebook Profile Picture Really Means
No facebook profile picture is perfect - but here are some of the most common ones and what they reveal about our personalities.
You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.
You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.
You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.
You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.
A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.
A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?
You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"
You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.
You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.
You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.
Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.
You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.
No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.
You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.
You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.
You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.
You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.
You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.
A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.
A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?
You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"
You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.
You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.
You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.
Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.
You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.
No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.
You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What Your Facebook Status Really Means
I've had enough of the drama!
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.
The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.
"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.
Back on the market!
You recently broke up with a significant other, and are masking your feelings of loneliness by desperately trying to get attention. Especially if it's in front of your ex. By the way, we all know that dude with you in your facebook picture is actually your cousin.
Ugh!
Something insignificant is wrong. Maybe the person you like (but know is a douchebag) is acting like a douchebag. Or maybe you're an overachiever and someone else in your honors class turned in a paper that was half a page longer than yours. Either way, you know deep down that none of this will matter in a year, but you still want sympathy.
I love my friends! You guys are SOOOOO awesome! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!!!
You value people who pretend they are friends with you. If it were not for facebook's birthday reminders, you'd have gotten three happy birthdays and they would have all been from your grandmother.
I can't wait for the summer to be over! I miss everyone!
The summer has become a scary reminder of how bad high school was. With every passing day, you are reminded why you went away to school in the first place.
Whatever
You are pretending to be indifferent about something that clearly bothers you, or you wouldn't have addressed it. Indifference is denoted by silence, not cries for help.
Last night was off the chain! I'd tell you about it, but I'm too drunk to remember!
You're mildly clever. But if last night was truly off the chain, you'd be passed out or hung over, not updating your status at 9:00 AM.
I'm lonely!
This one is embarrassingly honest.
I love cock! I want to blow everyone!
Your account has been hacked. When you check your Facebook in the computer lab, log out.
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.
The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.
"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.
Back on the market!
You recently broke up with a significant other, and are masking your feelings of loneliness by desperately trying to get attention. Especially if it's in front of your ex. By the way, we all know that dude with you in your facebook picture is actually your cousin.
Ugh!
Something insignificant is wrong. Maybe the person you like (but know is a douchebag) is acting like a douchebag. Or maybe you're an overachiever and someone else in your honors class turned in a paper that was half a page longer than yours. Either way, you know deep down that none of this will matter in a year, but you still want sympathy.
I love my friends! You guys are SOOOOO awesome! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!!!
You value people who pretend they are friends with you. If it were not for facebook's birthday reminders, you'd have gotten three happy birthdays and they would have all been from your grandmother.
I can't wait for the summer to be over! I miss everyone!
The summer has become a scary reminder of how bad high school was. With every passing day, you are reminded why you went away to school in the first place.
Whatever
You are pretending to be indifferent about something that clearly bothers you, or you wouldn't have addressed it. Indifference is denoted by silence, not cries for help.
Last night was off the chain! I'd tell you about it, but I'm too drunk to remember!
You're mildly clever. But if last night was truly off the chain, you'd be passed out or hung over, not updating your status at 9:00 AM.
I'm lonely!
This one is embarrassingly honest.
I love cock! I want to blow everyone!
Your account has been hacked. When you check your Facebook in the computer lab, log out.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Problem With Adding Comments to Facebook
Note: any resemblance to real people is accidental, and maybe happened because of google images.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Eulogy for MySpace
We are gathered here together to mourn the loss of our dear friend and family member, MySpace. MySpace is survived by her beloved husband Tom, and their 143, 286 million children.
It is good to see so many of MySpace's children here today. Goth Girl, Hip Hop Artist, Guy in Sun Glasses and a Popped Collar, Two Girls Making Out, and Guy With No Shirt. Thank you for coming.
I first met MySpace five years ago through a friend. She was great. We listened to music, we read to each other, and we passed the time when I was supposed to be doing actual work.
She helped me catch up with old friends, and meet new, sluttier friends.
Myspace was kind and forgiving, and didn't judge me when I told her I liked Maroon 5.
I thought those days would last forever, like the ads for some dating site where it looks like a webcam of a hot chick checking me out. But she started falling in with the wrong crowd. Before I knew it, all her friends had become pornographers and con-artists, and worse, Rupert Murdoch.
I could barely talk to her without her telling me about Fox's newest buddy cop film or what Lindsay Lohann may or may not have said. Most times I visited, she was blasting terrible music or trying to sell me a giftcard to Victoria's Secret.
After a while I didn't even recognize her - and not just because she was covered in tacky HTML and glittery cursors like some two-dollar whore. Even Tom wasn't really around much anymore.
Let's remember the good times. And I mean really remember, not the way that MySpace would tell you to click "remember me" and then not remember you next time you signed on.
Remember how hilarious it was to see everyone over 30 years old list themselves as 99. Remember getting to interact with not only your favorite celebrity, but with 14 other people pretending to be your favorite celebrity. Remember how entertaining it was to listen to your friend's favorite song EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU LOADED THEIR PAGE.
And remember the lessons she taught us. Remember that just because you have three kids at home doesn't mean you can't show strangers what you look like bent over a couch. Remember that teenage outcasts can pretend to have names like "Illusion of Chaos," while their real name is Sheldon. And remember that every fat girl has at least one picture of herself taken at precisely the right angle.
I'm going to miss you, MySpace. How else will I get girls I don't know to come to shows, and then maybe sleep with me after? I mean, I could just search by zip code. And they were all so mad at their dads.
We're going to miss you, MySpace. But we will be comforted to know that you're in a better place now. With Friendster.
(With help from Mike Trainor)
It is good to see so many of MySpace's children here today. Goth Girl, Hip Hop Artist, Guy in Sun Glasses and a Popped Collar, Two Girls Making Out, and Guy With No Shirt. Thank you for coming.
I first met MySpace five years ago through a friend. She was great. We listened to music, we read to each other, and we passed the time when I was supposed to be doing actual work.
She helped me catch up with old friends, and meet new, sluttier friends.
Myspace was kind and forgiving, and didn't judge me when I told her I liked Maroon 5.
I thought those days would last forever, like the ads for some dating site where it looks like a webcam of a hot chick checking me out. But she started falling in with the wrong crowd. Before I knew it, all her friends had become pornographers and con-artists, and worse, Rupert Murdoch.
I could barely talk to her without her telling me about Fox's newest buddy cop film or what Lindsay Lohann may or may not have said. Most times I visited, she was blasting terrible music or trying to sell me a giftcard to Victoria's Secret.
After a while I didn't even recognize her - and not just because she was covered in tacky HTML and glittery cursors like some two-dollar whore. Even Tom wasn't really around much anymore.
Let's remember the good times. And I mean really remember, not the way that MySpace would tell you to click "remember me" and then not remember you next time you signed on.
Remember how hilarious it was to see everyone over 30 years old list themselves as 99. Remember getting to interact with not only your favorite celebrity, but with 14 other people pretending to be your favorite celebrity. Remember how entertaining it was to listen to your friend's favorite song EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU LOADED THEIR PAGE.
And remember the lessons she taught us. Remember that just because you have three kids at home doesn't mean you can't show strangers what you look like bent over a couch. Remember that teenage outcasts can pretend to have names like "Illusion of Chaos," while their real name is Sheldon. And remember that every fat girl has at least one picture of herself taken at precisely the right angle.
I'm going to miss you, MySpace. How else will I get girls I don't know to come to shows, and then maybe sleep with me after? I mean, I could just search by zip code. And they were all so mad at their dads.
We're going to miss you, MySpace. But we will be comforted to know that you're in a better place now. With Friendster.
(With help from Mike Trainor)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook (Part II)
I recently wrote a piece for CollegeHumor.com called "A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook." It was a sarcastic guide to old people making a concerted effort to creep out their children. Most people who read it took it as a joke. Of course, most people who read this site aren't old and creepy. I might be, but my readers aren't.
Except one guy. Here's his unedited, hi-lariously misspelled response to me, coupled with my line-by-line response to him.
Very funny.
Thanks. You have good taste for a silly geaser.
Here is my letter to kids who's parents joined Facebook.
Oh, I can't wait! I bet it's clever! Or maybe it's just a poorly written, knee-jerk, un-proofread response from a cornball too dumb to realize a site called "College Humor" might be joking.
Hey, did your mom or dad sign up for FB? I bet you though they were too old to do so or maybe they were doing it to spy on you.
Actually, we "though" our parents were bright enough to spell things correctly. Our mistak.
Guess what, we have a life of our own, and believe it or not it doesn't always involve you.
I now believe that you often make decisions without factoring in the welfare of your children. That's an age-old parenting technique called "shitty parenting." Thank you, Susan Smith.
In fact, you just complicate things and cost us money.
Then maybe you should have spent 30 cents on a condom, you short-sighted prick.
We actually joined for other reasons, like to communicate with our friends. Now our friend count isn't nearly as large as yours, but unlike you, we only accept requests from......brace yourself......FRIENDS. Not just anyone who happens to ping your account.
Which is why you requested your son, his roommate, his professors, and people you haven't spoken to since Nixon was president. Because clearly, you only want to keep in touch with your close friends.
These are fiends we have known for years, including the years before kids. We actually refer to these as the Wonder Year...as in wondering why we even had kids.
Oh, snap! You said that your children were accidents, and you'd be better off with out them. Way to show me who the REAL dick is!
We even know these people's last names. We didn't just happen to meet them one night at a friends birthday party, or just stumble across their hot picture while trolling FB. These are people we have actually seen in person.
Aren't you the same generation that preached free love? So you can have an acid-fueled anti-war orgy at a Starship concert, but when we want to email someone we think is cute, THAT'S going too far?
As for pictures. We have lots of them to put in our albums.....
Sorry, but Facebook doesn't take slide film.
Ones with you in your diapers,
Any minute now, Chris Hansen will show up and tell you to have a seat.
crying over a bad haircut or home perm,
Home perm? Ping? Birthday parties? How out of touch are you? "I'll tell everyone at the sodie shop that you're a square!" And what kind of sadist takes pictures of his kids crying?
dressed in some goofy Easter Sunday outfit with your family
And you think WE'RE self-involved? The reason that would embarrass your kids is because YOU dressed them like that and they don't want to be seen with YOU. Take your head out of your bunny suit for a second and get some perspective.
Oh yeah, we have hot pictures for FB.
How could you possibly write that sentence without realizing how perverted you sound?
Remember, it was our generation that developed computers and the internet.
Thank you for your invention. While you were using it to play pong and look at VGA semi-porn, we kicked it up a notch. Hope you don't mind.
In fact, it is very likely we paid for the computer and internet service you are using to dis us!!!!!
My favorite part of this sentence is that you think the word "dis" somehow makes you relatable. Thanks for rapping with us, hep cat. We can dig it.
So before you get too high and mighty, remember you are just one handout away from being off FB!
Thanks, neglect-a-tron. You really hammered home the point that you wish you never had kids. Just remember that when you get older, your kids will be the ones taking care of you. Which makes you one handout away from being granny dumped at a racetrack.
Enjoy your surfing!! Just be careful!
Thanks to your recent foray into Facebook, we HAVE to be careful. What you don't understand (other than sarcasm) is that we have no problem with you being on Facebook. The problem comes when you add your kid as a friend, thus joining their social circle. You just became the creepy old guy at the college bar.
"But why shouldn't I be allowed to socialize?" You are allowed, just not with us. That's why there's a bar at Applebees.
Keep in touch with your friends all you want. Just don't do it in the same place we keep in touch with ours.
Might I suggest Friendster?
Except one guy. Here's his unedited, hi-lariously misspelled response to me, coupled with my line-by-line response to him.
Very funny.
Thanks. You have good taste for a silly geaser.
Here is my letter to kids who's parents joined Facebook.
Oh, I can't wait! I bet it's clever! Or maybe it's just a poorly written, knee-jerk, un-proofread response from a cornball too dumb to realize a site called "College Humor" might be joking.
Hey, did your mom or dad sign up for FB? I bet you though they were too old to do so or maybe they were doing it to spy on you.
Actually, we "though" our parents were bright enough to spell things correctly. Our mistak.
Guess what, we have a life of our own, and believe it or not it doesn't always involve you.
I now believe that you often make decisions without factoring in the welfare of your children. That's an age-old parenting technique called "shitty parenting." Thank you, Susan Smith.
In fact, you just complicate things and cost us money.
Then maybe you should have spent 30 cents on a condom, you short-sighted prick.
We actually joined for other reasons, like to communicate with our friends. Now our friend count isn't nearly as large as yours, but unlike you, we only accept requests from......brace yourself......FRIENDS. Not just anyone who happens to ping your account.
Which is why you requested your son, his roommate, his professors, and people you haven't spoken to since Nixon was president. Because clearly, you only want to keep in touch with your close friends.
These are fiends we have known for years, including the years before kids. We actually refer to these as the Wonder Year...as in wondering why we even had kids.
Oh, snap! You said that your children were accidents, and you'd be better off with out them. Way to show me who the REAL dick is!
We even know these people's last names. We didn't just happen to meet them one night at a friends birthday party, or just stumble across their hot picture while trolling FB. These are people we have actually seen in person.
Aren't you the same generation that preached free love? So you can have an acid-fueled anti-war orgy at a Starship concert, but when we want to email someone we think is cute, THAT'S going too far?
As for pictures. We have lots of them to put in our albums.....
Sorry, but Facebook doesn't take slide film.
Ones with you in your diapers,
Any minute now, Chris Hansen will show up and tell you to have a seat.
crying over a bad haircut or home perm,
Home perm? Ping? Birthday parties? How out of touch are you? "I'll tell everyone at the sodie shop that you're a square!" And what kind of sadist takes pictures of his kids crying?
dressed in some goofy Easter Sunday outfit with your family
And you think WE'RE self-involved? The reason that would embarrass your kids is because YOU dressed them like that and they don't want to be seen with YOU. Take your head out of your bunny suit for a second and get some perspective.
Oh yeah, we have hot pictures for FB.
How could you possibly write that sentence without realizing how perverted you sound?
Remember, it was our generation that developed computers and the internet.
Thank you for your invention. While you were using it to play pong and look at VGA semi-porn, we kicked it up a notch. Hope you don't mind.
In fact, it is very likely we paid for the computer and internet service you are using to dis us!!!!!
My favorite part of this sentence is that you think the word "dis" somehow makes you relatable. Thanks for rapping with us, hep cat. We can dig it.
So before you get too high and mighty, remember you are just one handout away from being off FB!
Thanks, neglect-a-tron. You really hammered home the point that you wish you never had kids. Just remember that when you get older, your kids will be the ones taking care of you. Which makes you one handout away from being granny dumped at a racetrack.
Enjoy your surfing!! Just be careful!
Thanks to your recent foray into Facebook, we HAVE to be careful. What you don't understand (other than sarcasm) is that we have no problem with you being on Facebook. The problem comes when you add your kid as a friend, thus joining their social circle. You just became the creepy old guy at the college bar.
"But why shouldn't I be allowed to socialize?" You are allowed, just not with us. That's why there's a bar at Applebees.
Keep in touch with your friends all you want. Just don't do it in the same place we keep in touch with ours.
Might I suggest Friendster?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook
Dear Parent,
Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?
To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.
Your Information:Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.
Your Pictures:
You're supposed to post plenty of pictures of yourself if you're hot. If you're ugly, you're supposed to post pictures of things you like, and one or two of yourself at a strange angle where you look like you could be hot if someone squints. But you're old, so that "if you're hot" thing isn't an option.
Tagging Pictures:Facebook allows you to identify when your friends are in a picture you took. This is a great way to let people know when you post a group picture of them, and for people to see what ugly people really look like when someone else tags them. It also lets people tag a picture of cartoons and say their friends are certain characters in it, thus offending at least half of them.
News Feed:This is what you joined for " stalking your children. This will provide you knowledge of everything all your friends do. That will help stalk your children, since they are the only people you know young enough to legitimately have a Facebook.
Poking:Poking is done by people too uncreative to say complicated things like "hello." DO NOT engage someone in a poke war. It will escalate, someone will eventually use nuclear weapons, and we will all die.
Event Invitations:If you're hosting an event, this is a great way to invite all your friends with no regard to whether or not they can attend or if you actually want them there. I recommend you use it for your bridge games, PTA meetings, and eventual post-divorce orgy.
Groups:Want to feel like you belong? Then join a group of like-minded people. Until the creator sends way too many emails. Then leave.
Applications:There are useful applications, and there are also contests between vampires and werewolves. If you have a teenage daughter, you should try the vampire stuff so you can understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight. (Note: You will never understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight).
Fan Pages:This is a way that people can show their public support for things they enjoy. You will probably become a fan of Larry King, Neil Diamond, and embarrassing your children by being on Facebook. Seriously, what the fuck?
Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?
To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.
Your Information:Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.
Your Pictures:
You're supposed to post plenty of pictures of yourself if you're hot. If you're ugly, you're supposed to post pictures of things you like, and one or two of yourself at a strange angle where you look like you could be hot if someone squints. But you're old, so that "if you're hot" thing isn't an option.
Tagging Pictures:Facebook allows you to identify when your friends are in a picture you took. This is a great way to let people know when you post a group picture of them, and for people to see what ugly people really look like when someone else tags them. It also lets people tag a picture of cartoons and say their friends are certain characters in it, thus offending at least half of them.
News Feed:This is what you joined for " stalking your children. This will provide you knowledge of everything all your friends do. That will help stalk your children, since they are the only people you know young enough to legitimately have a Facebook.
Poking:Poking is done by people too uncreative to say complicated things like "hello." DO NOT engage someone in a poke war. It will escalate, someone will eventually use nuclear weapons, and we will all die.
Event Invitations:If you're hosting an event, this is a great way to invite all your friends with no regard to whether or not they can attend or if you actually want them there. I recommend you use it for your bridge games, PTA meetings, and eventual post-divorce orgy.
Groups:Want to feel like you belong? Then join a group of like-minded people. Until the creator sends way too many emails. Then leave.
Applications:There are useful applications, and there are also contests between vampires and werewolves. If you have a teenage daughter, you should try the vampire stuff so you can understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight. (Note: You will never understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight).
Fan Pages:This is a way that people can show their public support for things they enjoy. You will probably become a fan of Larry King, Neil Diamond, and embarrassing your children by being on Facebook. Seriously, what the fuck?
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