Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Opening to Silk Stalkings in 50 Still Frames

Every time I see a commercial for USA's Burn Notice (which is every commercial break on NBC), I can't help but think of USA's earlier version of the show, Silk Stalkings. I've never seen an episode of either, but I imagine they're very similar.

"Do you like danger and money and sex? Then stay tuned for USA's new hit, DANGERMONEYSEX, starring some people that would otherwise have been in soft core porn."

If you don't remember Silk Stalkings, it was USA's mid-90s answer to Cinemax, which ran for a miraculous 150+ episodes over 8 seasons. The opening credits were a montage of nonsensical images set to the music of a ticking clock, aborigine instruments, smooth jazz, a Vegas lounge guitar act, moaning, and the death rattle of Rob Estes' dignity.

Here's the full opening credits. But much more fun is a break down of 50 still frames from the opening. These are their actual order - I edited nothing.

Hey, a show about golf.

Golf and police.

On boats.

And horses.

I'm beginning to think this show is not about golf.

Hey, why is that guy running?

Maybe because the cocktail waitress is shooting at him.

She shot his clothes off!

Life is sexier when it's blurry.

If these colors were reversed, this would be a scene from Avatar.

Apparently, this guy is still running.

"Before the funeral, can we stop at the bank?"

"Hey, wait for me! My ankles are too skinny to run fast!"

"Can you help me find a gas station?"

"How about BP?"

I was just thinking I'd like someone to shoot me.

Cotton Leggings. Close, but no cigar.

This is the part of the show when everyone gets dressed.


That's her knee. How freaking long are his arms?

Drunk, this show makes even less sense.

Diamonds, legs, and a gun? It's DANGERMONEYSEX!

My favorite part, where the woman suddenly stops the guy's hand and, wait for it...

He roofies her! Oh USA Network! Where characters are welcome.

And now, a woman's ass.

Look, she's farting the title.

"Help, I'm being chased by a guy in a jet pack."

Heidi Montag's first role.

"Upon closer inspection, this show is still shitty."

Stock footage of a sniper from the early 80s.

"Sorry we're late for the funeral. Long line at the bank."

It's always a good idea to splice in footage from "The Blue Lagoon."

The sad thing is that this was the highlight of her career.

Rob Estes eventually left the show to achieve mediocrity in other roles.

"There's been a terrible accident in the woodshop class."

This is either a sexy lady or Chewbacca

Hopefully they will shoot us a few times and make sure we're dead.


A camera took a picture of a camera. It's like looking into a mirror across from a mirror.

"The dentist recommends I floss twice a day."

"I once caught a slut thiiiiiis big."

Is that a sexy woman holding a briefcase? I wonder what she's going to do with it...

And a guy taking a picture of her...

Now the man has the briefcase! Is there an actual storyline developing?

Nope! Cut to a murdered blonde in a track suit.

The girl in the track suit died, but the one in the tight dress got away. Makes sense.

Are these assholes still running?

The game of Marco Polo had a tragic end.

And suddenly, a shot of a tarantula. Why? I think a production assistant randomly had a pet tarantula. There's no way someone could have thought of this shot ahead of time. If only there were some sort of weapon to kill the tarantula that we could end the credits with.

Ah, perfect.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Write whatever you like. If you're a dick, you may be deleted or included in my hatemail archive. Goverments shouldn't be facist, but personal blogs should be.