Top Seven Tips for Future Contestants of The Bachelorette

As my fiance watches more and more reality TV, I find myself actually getting into some of the shows. One of my new favorites is the Bachelorette. I HATED the first episode I saw. Then I began getting to know how amazingly train-wrecky everyone was, and I watch for the same reason I watch skiing: to see them fall.

Some fall because they're insane, and some fall simply because they're boring and they don't know how to talk to women. Or anyone else.

So I figured I'd give future contestants a few tips on how to act.

1) Strike a delicate balance between loving your family and being independent. i.e. "My grandmother taught me so much when I was a kid. She's dead now."

2) Make this all about her. She needs the kind of attention that can only be provided by 25 guys chasing her on national television. i.e. "This must be so hard on you. You're such a brave person."

3) Don't talk trash about the other guys or you will look stupid and petty. Instead, compliment the men who would like to see you dead and also have sex with the woman you're trying to marry.

4) Keep the conversation fun so that you don't talk about anything that actually matters to you. Say things like, "ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

5) Ignore her obvious weaknesses. No matter how much she keeps talking about her fear of flying, don't point out that every other date involves a plane or a helicopter.

6) She will ask you about your ex-girlfriends. Be really general in a specific sounding way. i.e. "I think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love. Are you going to finish that canole?"

7) Only show her your hidden talent if you actually have one. Don't sing, play guitar, or dance unless you're on the semi-pro level. Your real hidden talent is probably picking up drunk women in middle America.

Honorable Mentions: Use the word "connection" as much as possible. And drop the name of the ABC sponsors. You won't win, but you might get your own season of "The Bachelor."