Memorial Day has passed, which means my neighborhood just became exponentially blonder over night. I get that it's seasonal and that there are some people who look better blonde (I'm looking at you Katherine Heigl), but I firmly believe nothing good comes from it. Ask Winona Ryder.
This is a still from the infamous 2001 shoplifting video. It broke my heart, really. My childhood idol, the best Jo March there ever was, caught by the Saks Fifth Avenue security camera... with shoulder-length blonde hair. Traumatizing.
What else does blonde hair bring? Having to kiss Adam Sandler. Not young and oddly ripped late 80s MTV Sandler, post Big Daddy, post-chin Sandler. And Mr. Deeds' script... not quite The Age of Innocence. Not even Mermaids.
Blonde hair also brings faux lesbian kisses with other blondes. In Winona's case, it was Jennifer Aniston during her guest appearance on Friends. Poor Winona. Everyone knows Jen's loneliness is so pungent it can be caught like fleas. I doubt she ever recovered.
In Winona Ryder's defense, she is actually a natural blonde. She's also naturally Winona Horowitz. So, clearly she understands the concept of changing yourself for the greater good of your career. I urge anyone reading this who is contemplating going blonde this summer to take Ms. Ryder as an example. Sure, she had a quick cult following resurgence when the "Free Winona" t-shirts came out, but let's take a quick look at that iconic image:
Author's note: For the sake of this post, I have chosen to completely ignore the fact that she was blonde in Edward Scissorhands. Damn hand scissors cutting holes into my argument...