The Gulf Oil Spill

This oil spill is awful. Between this and Katrina that Louisiana Purchase doesn't look like such a great deal any more. I hope Jefferson saved the receipt.

It is referred to over and over as "the oil spill". Spill is far too tame a word for this catastrophe. Like saying Ted Bundy just poked a couple of sorority girls with a stick.

A spill is something that you can clean up with a Bounty. Or something you don't cry over, this is far more drastic.

I once spilled some gravy at Thanksgiving. I didn't totally devastate 88,000 miles of tablecloth.

But in order to not get too gloomy and depressed by the reality of the situation, I have decided to look for the bright side in the oil spill. I know the silver lining is hard to see- cuz it is all covered in oil and slime.... but it is there.

For instance; people with seafood allergies are going to be a lot safer.

Finally our cars will be able to run on water...

Now that they have been oiled, dolphins will no longer make that annoying squeaky sound.

There is no need to go to shore to refill the jet ski. You see- there are some good things.

This oil leak is happening in the Gulf of Mexico. So why aren't they taking care of it?

I really can't believe that The United States hasn't been able to stop the oil. What happened to us? Seems like we used to be great. America is like Ken Griffey Jr. We were awesome back in the day. But not as great as we could have been.

America is like Ben Rothlisberger. We have a couple of Super Bowls- but we have raped a couple of girls along the way. You can root for us if you just don't look too closely.

Fish oil... that is another positive. Fish oil is good for us. Helps in treating bi-polar disorder (BP) and mood swings.

This, I fear, is even more destructive then we realize. Like a fish apocalypse. Most of these right wing, big oil, big business guys claim to be religious. Well, I gotta think that since some of his best friends were fishermen- Jesus has got to be pissed.

If you work for BP you should probably take the Jesus fish off your SUV.

Maybe we will force the ocean life to evolve and come ashore in order to survive. Then we would really have land sharks.

Another good thing? Maybe this will snap us awake to the fact that we need to not just end our dependence on foreign oil- but on oil period. First of all, oil production has already peaked and the commodity will run out- this is not disputable. Plus it is destructive to the organism that we live on. It is the engine that drives our entire way of life and it is working against us.

I used to feel like I needed to conserve energy, to be fuel efficient. Fuck that. I am going the other way. I am going to use as much oil as possible and speed up it's end. I will drive inefficient cars, leave lights on, use oil and vinegar dressing, 3 in 1 oil, olive oil, oil of Olay.... any thing I can to help run us dry of oil.

I will also totally end war and defeat the entire military industrial complex with my plan. Cuz once they are out of oil, they cannot operate. There are no hybrid tanks... no electric F-16's.

I will start putting oil in my hair, burning the midnight oil burning oil... I am working hard... I will eat Olesteral oil based chips... sure I might shit my pants any minute- but I am doing it for world peace.

People always say that it is religion that has killed more human beings in the history of humanity than anything else... more than money, more than oil, more than anything. That may be true- but you gotta give oil a chance. It has only been around for about 120 years... it is doing pretty good so far. I would say when it comes to death and destruction oil is like rookie of the year. It is the Jason Hayward of killing forces.

But now at least we can be positive at a few things. For instance, I am positive that it is not just important but unavoidable- we must end our dependence on oil.