Sunday, August 1, 2010

A Response to Junk Mail: My Dead Cousin Michael

Bastien Yekpe And Associates
Cotonou, République du Benin
Telephone: +229 96329406

ATTN: Hofstetter

I am Barrister Stanley John, the attorney at law to Late Michael Hofstetter, a national of your country, and a gold merchant here in Republic of Benin West Africa. Here in after shall be Referred to as my client. On the 27th of May 2006, my client, His wife and their only Child were involved in a car accident Along Sagbama express-road. All occupants of the vehicle Unfortunately lost their lives..Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved Unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track His last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his Family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in Repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank here. These huge deposits were lodged particularly, with the" STANBIC IBTC BANK" An affiliate of Commercial Bank of Africa where the Deceased had an account valued at about $18.5 million dollars. The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated.

Since I have been unsuccessful in Locating the relatives for over 3 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have The same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $18.5 million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can Share the money.50% to me and 50% to you I will procure all Necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this Deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. And the way we are going to achieve this is

I will need the following information from you,
Your Full Name and Address,
Your Age, Occupation and Position,
Your Telephone and Mobile for Communication Purpose.I await your reply ASAP.

Best Regards.
Barrister Stanley John Esq
Tel. +229 96329406

Barrister John-

Thank you so much for contacting me. I can't believe that Michael died. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were talking about his dream to become a gold merchant in Republic of Benin West Africa. Clearly it was earlier than May, 2006. 

It makes sense that he died while driving. That new wife of his was always forcing him to drive. I blame her for this. If she wasn't also killed, I'd be so mad at her. I'm am sorry to lose Michael, but glad that bitch and her devil spawn were taken as well. I don't know if you were privy to family gossip, but that kid only had one giant nostril instead of two. Creepy.

Did you happen to know if their dog was also in the car? I have such fond memories of growing up, playing with Mr. Sparkles. Wait, I'm 30. There's no way that dog was still alive.  I hope he had a proper burial. No offense, but you must be familiar with the terrible reputation that the Republic of Benin West Africa has when it comes to deceased pets. 

Tell you what - send me the remains of Mr. Sparkles, and proof that his wife and one-nostril child are dead, and you can keep the money. 

Thanks again, and send my regards to Bastien Yepke and his associates. I have attached the last picture I had of Michael, when he was first training to be a gold merchant. I hope it brings back fond memories.


Michael Hofstetter, living his dream.

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