Saturday, May 22, 2010

Everything is Bigger in Texas - Even the Ignorance!

In a narrow (minded?) vote, the Texas State Board of Education approved a more conservative curriculum, with the vote going exactly down party lines. Because our children shouldn't be taught facts - they should be taught the facts according to the current governor.

Why does this affect you, non-Texas people? Because textbook manufacturers often tailor their books to Texas, since the schools buy so many. You know, to burn. (Kidding! That's all in the past. Texas hasn't had a widely reported book burning in at least 8 months).

The new lessons actually include questioning the separation of Church and State and a more favorable look at Joseph McCarthy. You know Joseph McCarthy – the paranoid guy who was convinced the subversive communists would take over America sixty years ago. He was right – it’s just they’re so subversive, we haven’t noticed yet. McCarthy used fascist tactics to try to stamp out fascism, was one of the few senators to ever be officially censured by his colleagues, and he died of hepatitis (sped up by his alcoholism). But really, he was just misunderstood.

So I’ve figured out the next few lessons that the school board will be teaching for political gain, if things keep going in this direction.

Not paying attention to foreign policy makes you a "maverick."
While the rest of our leaders are briefed on world events, Sarah Palin’s brazen stand to know nothing about our enemies, friends, or ourselves is a brave slap in the face to Washington. You know Washington – the place she desperately tried to live. But she hates it there. What a maverick!

Defending us from rational thought.

Real America is predominantly in the central time zone. 
Our founding fathers weren’t big city educated elites! Except for the ones that were, like the thirty-five members of the 1787 continental congress that were lawyers, the eleven that were securities speculators, the two that were scientists, and the four that were doctors. But none of that will be taught, because those guys weren’t the REAL founders. The REAL founders were the two of them that were farmers. Despite the 80% of Americans who actually live in urban areas, today we are a rural country, comprised predominantly of farmers. John Mellencamp will be re-writing the national anthem. Then when we remember that Mellencamp supports the democratic party, Toby Keith will cover it, and we’ll use that version instead.

Arizona is no longer part of Jesusland, since everyone named Jesus is being deported.

Gay marriage is an abomination.
Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Temporarily, until they’re sick of each other, and find new men and women with whom they can be sacred. Or win a reality show with. Either or is cool, as long as there’s only one penis involved.

Marriage is just this sacred.

Glenn Beck is a rational voice of counter-culture, not a vaudevillian showman who will say anything for ratings.
Remember when Glenn Beck repeatedly discussed his mother’s suicide, despite his wife and newspapers having no idea she committed suicide? Neither will your children! If we can paint Joseph McCarthy’s rabble rousing and alcoholism as being a misunderstood patriot, we can do the same for Glenn Beck.

Is that plaid on his sleeve? That's not American! Traitor!

Pulling yourself by your bootstraps is an American tradition, that stops at our generation.
What made America great was our ability to immigrate here and escape persecution. And now that we’re here, enough with the immigrants. Unless we run out of bootstraps, they're great at making those.

Nope, no immigrants here - just us Europeans!

Government funded health care programs are unconstitutional.
There are no amendments in the constitution that say our citizens deserve health care. Except Medicaid – we like Medicaid, because we’re used to it. But because it’s not in the constitution, the government shouldn’t get involved. Because the government does nothing unless it’s a constitutional amendment. Except immigration and police and voting on text books. That's right kids - don't trust your government. Unless we happen to be your government.
Privatize it all! Because the banks and UPS do such a bang up job.

Incidentally, Texas ranks 50th in per-capita high school diplomas, ranks 46th in math and 49th in verbal SAT scores, and has just one college in the nation's top 50 - out of their 145 colleges. And those godless heathens in California have 9.

Congratulations Texas! Happy learnin'!


  1. Brilliant stuff. It reads like common sense (except for the common part).

    The emperor has no clothes on. You called it. Too bad most of your country is unwilling to listen.

    Bring your act to Canada. We get this shit up here. We even applaud those who testify. Now, if only we'd get up off of our collective asses and do something about our own hypocrisy...

    Oh well, at least we're halfway there.

  2. This country is going to hell in a handbasket, which isn't good. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. I'll bet the label on the handbasket even says "Gucci". I need to get some rose-colored shades...

  3. For some ungodly reason, my parents moved to Kingsville, Texas my first year of High School. From Brooklyn, NY to the most wretched place on the planet. The first day of registration, the person looked thru our transcripts and prounounced: " We all don't teach no 'MODERN History' here. Y'all learn what we approve"

    What was "approved" left out slavery, the Lousiana Purchase and that the South would have won a war of Northern Agression or some such malarkey, if they had more troops. It was the most hideous six months of my life if only because we three kids were BORED. They taught stuff we did in elementary school!! In HIGH SCHOOL!!!

    Thankfully, the "experiment" ended with my father losing his job, and us returning to NY.

    Needless to say, I have never met a person from Texas that would bring the Potato salad to a Mensa Picnic. Their education system is why.

  4. Here is a great short little rant on the textbook fiasco in Texas! Makes you want to cry.

  5. Absolute statements also feed ignorance. Not every single Texan voted for this curriculum or idolizes Toby Keith and Joseph McCarthy. This is a major setback for Texans, and the issue needs attention. However, the argument against the curriculum is easily dismissed when you attack an entire state's people, including the people against this curriculum. Minor correction: There are two universities ranked in the top 50.

  6. Belinda, I think you may have misunderstood. The point is that if those who are in charge continue to get their way, these could be the lessons they'll teach.

    I'm hoping the smart Texas people (like yourself) will be disgusted by this vote and rally against it.

    (Incidentally, those statistics are straight from the Texas school board. Rice is #17, and UT is #52.)

  7. Steve! I thought your blog post was a good mix of humor and news; it was the guy ragging on Kingsville that rubbed me the wrong way.

    Also: Shame on the Texas school board. They missed a chance to toot their own horn. The US News poll put UT at 47.

    Come back to Austin soon?

  8. Yes ma'am - I'll be at the Monarch, Friday 10/29.


Write whatever you like. If you're a dick, you may be deleted or included in my hatemail archive. Goverments shouldn't be facist, but personal blogs should be.