Monday, May 24, 2010

Captain America Harasses Women with Burrito

Thank you,, for making me aware of this three-year-old story. The version I found on might be the worst written version of the best story I ever read. And I quote:

A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

What the reporter didn't mention is WHY he was arrested for having a burrito in his tights. Because if he was simply dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his tights, he'd have to be arrested for being awesome. Forget what he did at the police station, what the hell did he do with his burrito?

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It's not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

Okay, so that's some pretty exciting stuff. But battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession, and trying to destroy evidence. I still don't understand what this has to do with Captain America and a burrito.

The Palm Bay family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar.

Okay,  we're now at paragraph three and still no no knowledge of what he did with the burrito. We did, however, learn what a pub crawl was. Thanks, WFTV. Now get to the damn point.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.

So many questions. Was he using the burrito to get forward with someone? Or was he getting forward towards the burrito? That's not a crime, that's just how some people eat a Reese's. And did the burrito place charge him, or do you comp a super hero?

It's certainly not the Captain America from the comic books. This one is accused of sinister deeds more fitting of a villain than a superhero.

Well sure. Captain America would molest a hamburger and potato salad. The man is a patriot.  

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

Finally! Now we know what happened. The crazy part is that everything was perfectly legal until the groping. But again - questions - was he holding the burrito in one hand and groping with the other? Or did he actually grope with the burrito? I must read on...

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."

Easily the best part of the story. Out of context, this is amazing - and that's exactly how the cops must have seen it when they got there. I guess it's easier to go burrito groping when you're in a huge group of super heroes. I think that happened in Watchmen.

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

The fact that he wasn't searched before he was booked shows almost as much incompetence in the police as this article does in the reporting. Also, I love that Captain America couldn't even flush the joint without being caught. I'm guessing the toilet was backed up from excess burrito.

"The officer observed him try to flush something into the toilet. He tried to flush it. The officer was able to reach inside and grab part of what he tried to flush," said Jill Frederiksen, Melbourne Police Department.

Worst. Job. Ever.

The doctor wasn't in when Eyewitness News went by and didn't return calls. He may now have to rely on a lawyer instead of his superpowers to get him out of the jam.

MAY have to rely on a lawyer? MAY?

"This is definitely an unusual situation. We don't usually arrest people in costume," Frederiksen said.

I love the fact that he was in costume is the unusual situation, not the part where he groped a woman with a burrito. In Brevard County, that's just a Tuesday.

No super powers got Adamcik out of jail. He needed $2,000 cash bail and then, once he got out of jail, he still stopped to pose for pictures on the way out. It is unclear right now whether the doctor could lose his medical license if he's convicted.

Unclear? If dressing up as a super hero to grope a woman with a burrito is not the least offensive thing you've done in a night, I'm pretty sure you don't get to still be a doctor.  Then again, I'm also sure this guy isn't ACTUALLY Captain America, a point that seems to confuse this reporter. 

And finally...

Tuesday, Eyewitness News learned that Adamcik was checking himself into a rehad program and taking a temporary leave from his medical practice.

And then it hit me. This piece was clearly written by a reporter dressed as Red Skull, groping a keyboard with a chalupa.

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