Damn you, Elena Kagan

For the thirteen years since I graduated high school, I have had the goal of being the most notable alumni from my high school. Until Elena Kagan (1977) was nominated to the Unites States Supreme Court, I had a shot.

When I was in high school, we had one really notable alumni - Marvin Young (1985). You’d know him better as Young MC. As much as I loved “Bust a Move,” Young MC was a one-hit wonder. All I’d need is two hits.

At the time, Mike Maronna (1995) was already sort of famous for playing Pete on Pete and Pete (Which one? I’ll never tell!). Oddly enough, he was more famous in high school than he is now. His last role was in a 2004 movie called “Men without Jobs,” clearly a documentary about his career. I have no problem being a dick to Mike in this blog, as that’s how he treated me in high school. Incidentally, he skipped prom, but wore a wedding dress to school the next day and kept telling people to grab his “boobs.” Just wanted to make sure that was in print.

When I graduated in 1997, Cynthia Nixon (1984) was doing well on Broadway, but TV and movies saw her doing the same bit parts she had before she even went to high school. But the game changed the following year when she became “Miranda” on Sex And The City. Not only was she part of one of the seminal shows of our generation, she had the honor of playing the one character no woman wanted to be. I always thought Miranda was the cool one, but I’ve since learned that women would rather be a basket case, vapid, or the town bicycle before being the sensible one that’s only mildly attractive.

Holy crap, I think Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend is Mike Maronna.

In 2002, public access boxing aficionado Max Kellerman landed “Around the Horn” on ESPN. He’s had a respectable career, but clearly Cynthia Nixon was still the alumni that set the bar. Of course, that same year, Irulan Wilson (1998) was on Real World Las Vegas. No problem – all I have to do to be more notable than her is something better than having sex with a castmate while my significant other watches from home. Oops.

Cynthia Nixon set the bar, and Irulan Wilson turned it upright and danced around it. In fairness to Irulan, she was the least slutty member of her cast. In fairness to fairness, that cast included Trishelle.

The next year, Avenue Q opened on Broadway. It is widely seen as one of the most inventive and successful Broadway musicals of all time, and was written by Bobby Lopez (1993). Sunnovabitch. Cynthia Nixon won two Emmys, but Bobby Lopez won three Tonys. Besting a one-hit wonder seemed easy in comparison.

In 2005, Jon Daniels (1995) became the youngest general manager in Major League Baseball history. He also became the first GM that previously picked on me on a school bus. Since he was hired, Jon and I have talked, and he’s actually grown up to be a soft-spoken, nice guy. And he hasn’t even made the playoffs yet, so I could still beat him.

In 2008, In The Heights joined Avenue Q on Broadway. Writing, directing, and starring was Lin-Manuel Miranda (1998). Yup – he’s not just a triple threat, he’s also younger than me. I knew Lin in high school and always liked him; twice, we were in different one-act plays in the same production. Except I had a few lines in my play, and he wrote his. Lin only won two Tony’s to Bobby’s three. Of course, Lin was nominated for thirteen of them. Oh, and he won a Grammy, too.

Of course, all that is moot now. Grammys, Emmys, Tonys, and a second place finish in the AL West, I could still possibly beat. But I could be Jerry-Freaking-Seinfeld and I wouldn’t be as notable as a Unites States Supreme Court Justice. By the way, Elena’s brother Irving also went to Hunter – and still teaches there. I had him for social studies in 8^th grade. Which is right around the last time Mike Maronna found work.

Damn you and all your successes, Hunter High School. I guess I’m going to have to run for president.