Line-by-Line: "According to You"

Orianthi (Australian for "Kelly Clarkson") reached #17 on the American pop charts with her song, "According to You." And it's awful. I can't listen to it without being terribly frustrated at how trite and inconsistent the lyrics are. This song is so bad, I'd rather watch "According to Jim." I'm kidding, nothing is that bad.

Here's my line-by-line breakdown so you can be just as frustrated.

According to you

I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.

Those are terrible things to say to someone. Almost as terrible as staying in a relationship with someone who says those things.

According to you

I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.

I’m sure that’s not true. Unless, of course, a few lines later, you are clearly not over a guy that you say has treated you terribly. Good thing that’s not about to happen.

I'm a mess in a dress,

According to Google Images, you’re more commonly a mess in jeans and a tank top.

can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.

According to you. According to you.

Really? He thinks that you wouldn’t show up on time to save your own life? So either you’re exaggerating to somewhat fit the melody or you’re a bit delusional. Either way, this is the point of the song people begin to doubt your side of the story.

But according to him

I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.

Him? So you’re dating two men and you’re wondering why one of them doesn’t treat you well? Or perhaps you were dating one who treated you poorly, and instead of leaving him, your crippling fear of abandonment kept you there until you could have sex with someone else. Both of those options are TOTALLY healthy. Yes, clearly he’s the only one with issues.

According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.

Sounds like a nice guy. Or a total loser. Stay tuned.

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, So baby tell me what I got to lose.

Baby? She’s now clearly singing a song to a guy who (according to her) treats her like garbage, and talking about possibly staying with him. So she’s indecisive, hypocritical, doesn’t have any self-confidence. According to me.

He's into me for everything I'm not,

According to you.

I’m starting to agree with the guy.

According to you, I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.

I don’t know if you’ve spent much time with someone moody, but they’re NOT boring. Frustrating or frightening, yes. But NOT boring. There’s no way he thinks you’re boring AND moody. Unless your moods are boring and REALLY boring.

According to you

I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.

If he can see the punch line coming, yes, you do suck at telling jokes. Laughter is a reflex – if he genuinely thought you were funny, he couldn’t hide it. And yet – the new guy does think you’re funny, despite your inability to tell jokes. Oh no - this new guy is clearly retarded.

By the way, you also suck at meter. You jammed words into that sentence like they were square pieces in a circle puzzle. Which, coincidentally, is the homework your new boyfriend is currently struggling with.

I'm the girl with the worst attention span;

You're the boy who puts up with it.

According to you. According to you.

Yes, your attention span is so bad that you don’t remember hating this guy a few lines before you called him “baby” and asked for his advice.

I need to feel appreciated,

Like I'm not hated. oh no

Maybe do something that deserves appreciation? Like learning the definition of the word “moody.” Or writing a song that isn’t targeted at 8^th grade girls?

Why can't you see me through his eyes?

It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

Ah hah! She doesn’t even like the new guy! (Possibly because he’s retarded). She just wants the old guy to kiss her ass like the new guy is doing. Low Self Esteem, Party of One.

According to me

You're stupid,

You're useless,

You can't do anything right.

Clever! You’ve taken exactly what he said about you and said it about him. Your comeback is “I know you are, but what am I” yet you expect us to believe that you have enough wit to be funny? Maybe this guy doesn’t want to date you because he’s an adult?

According to you

I'm stupid,

I'm useless,

I can't do anything right

So you are desperately trying to hold on to a guy that treats you like garbage, yet you’re simultaneously treating someone else the same way. And somehow, you can’t understand why someone finds you stupid, useless, and unable to do anything right.

According to him, you can’t do anything right. According to me, this guy is pretty perceptive.