Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Response to Junk Mail: Helen

This is an unedited piece of junk mail I received, followed by my response.

FROM Mara Clifton  (auldecker@mail.state.fl.us)

Good day!

I received a notice from dating sites Tagged.com. I told your email and told you to look for a partner for serious relationship.

I also look for a partner so I get your email. We could start a correspondence and to know each other better. My profile on Tagged Helen_Z. I'll be very happy if you reply to me and send them to me as some of your pictures. And this is the beginning of our correspondence.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail:  helenzdenek@BonBon.net

My name is Helen.

Helen! So nice to hear from you. You know, I was just sitting here thinking that I would love to meet a girl who can barely speak English from a website I don't have a profile on. And wouldn't you know it, you clumsily emailed me!

I noticed you sent this from someone named Mara Clifton's email account who is apparently a Florida state employee. Did you kill her and take her identity? If you did, that's awesome - I love adventurous women. I also love women with sugar cubes on their right hand.

Love the picture, by the way. It's great that it's taken in a bar - shows me you really know how to kick back after you kill a Florida state employee. And the only thing cooler than a picture in a bar is a picture in an empty bar. Though maybe it was taken right after you killed Mara Clifton, so people left in terror. Seriously though, awesome sugar cube.

You're very pretty, in a Miami transvestite kind of way. Do you have any pictures of you where your boobs are not lower than my grandmothers? I know you're not originally from this country, but in America, we wear bras. Also, we use verbs. Yes, verbs and bras. Oh Helen, there's so much I could teach you!

Good thinking having me respond to your personal email. You wouldn't want the state of Florida knowing what happened with you and Mara. Instead, I'm just going to post my response on my blog along with your email address, in case any of my readers want to, say, send you tons of SPAM.

Save me a sugar cube!

1 comment:

Write whatever you like. If you're a dick, you may be deleted or included in my hatemail archive. Goverments shouldn't be facist, but personal blogs should be.