You have begun to type "lollipop," had a seizure, and fell on the enter key.
You have set a high score, and your name is Loretta Oswald Lorettaberg.
Mavis Beacon is teaching you to touch type.
You are foreign, and learned all of your English from an 8th grade girl.
Your i, e, and n keys are broken, and someone demands to know the first name of Nicole Ritchie's father.
You are retarded.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Goofus and Gallant for 2010
Highlights Magazine is trumpeting Goofus and Gallant's updated look. Here's their updated attitude.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What Your Facebook Profile Picture Really Means
No facebook profile picture is perfect - but here are some of the most common ones and what they reveal about our personalities.
You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.
You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.
You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.
You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.
A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.
A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?
You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"
You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.
You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.
You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.
Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.
You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.
No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.
You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.
You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.
You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.
You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.
You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.
A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.
A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?
You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"
You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.
You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.
You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.
Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.
You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.
No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.
You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.
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