A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook (Part II)

I recently wrote a piece for CollegeHumor.com called "A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook." It was a sarcastic guide to old people making a concerted effort to creep out their children. Most people who read it took it as a joke. Of course, most people who read this site aren't old and creepy. I might be, but my readers aren't.

Except one guy. Here's his unedited, hi-lariously misspelled response to me, coupled with my line-by-line response to him.

Very funny.
Thanks. You have good taste for a silly geaser.

Here is my letter to kids who's parents joined Facebook.
Oh, I can't wait! I bet it's clever! Or maybe it's just a poorly written, knee-jerk, un-proofread response from a cornball too dumb to realize a site called "College Humor" might be joking.

Hey, did your mom or dad sign up for FB? I bet you though they were too old to do so or maybe they were doing it to spy on you.
Actually, we "though" our parents were bright enough to spell things correctly. Our mistak.

Guess what, we have a life of our own, and believe it or not it doesn't always involve you.
I now believe that you often make decisions without factoring in the welfare of your children. That's an age-old parenting technique called "shitty parenting." Thank you, Susan Smith.

In fact, you just complicate things and cost us money.
Then maybe you should have spent 30 cents on a condom, you short-sighted prick.

We actually joined for other reasons, like to communicate with our friends. Now our friend count isn't nearly as large as yours, but unlike you, we only accept requests from......brace yourself......FRIENDS. Not just anyone who happens to ping your account.
Which is why you requested your son, his roommate, his professors, and people you haven't spoken to since Nixon was president. Because clearly, you only want to keep in touch with your close friends.

These are fiends we have known for years, including the years before kids. We actually refer to these as the Wonder Year...as in wondering why we even had kids.
Oh, snap! You said that your children were accidents, and you'd be better off with out them. Way to show me who the REAL dick is!

We even know these people's last names. We didn't just happen to meet them one night at a friends birthday party, or just stumble across their hot picture while trolling FB. These are people we have actually seen in person.
Aren't you the same generation that preached free love? So you can have an acid-fueled anti-war orgy at a Starship concert, but when we want to email someone we think is cute, THAT'S going too far?

As for pictures. We have lots of them to put in our albums.....
Sorry, but Facebook doesn't take slide film.

Ones with you in your diapers,
Any minute now, Chris Hansen will show up and tell you to have a seat.

crying over a bad haircut or home perm,
Home perm? Ping? Birthday parties? How out of touch are you? "I'll tell everyone at the sodie shop that you're a square!" And what kind of sadist takes pictures of his kids crying?

dressed in some goofy Easter Sunday outfit with your family
And you think WE'RE self-involved? The reason that would embarrass your kids is because YOU dressed them like that and they don't want to be seen with YOU. Take your head out of your bunny suit for a second and get some perspective.

Oh yeah, we have hot pictures for FB.
How could you possibly write that sentence without realizing how perverted you sound?

Remember, it was our generation that developed computers and the internet.
Thank you for your invention. While you were using it to play pong and look at VGA semi-porn, we kicked it up a notch. Hope you don't mind.

In fact, it is very likely we paid for the computer and internet service you are using to dis us!!!!!
My favorite part of this sentence is that you think the word "dis" somehow makes you relatable. Thanks for rapping with us, hep cat. We can dig it.

So before you get too high and mighty, remember you are just one handout away from being off FB!
Thanks, neglect-a-tron. You really hammered home the point that you wish you never had kids. Just remember that when you get older, your kids will be the ones taking care of you. Which makes you one handout away from being granny dumped at a racetrack.

Enjoy your surfing!! Just be careful!
Thanks to your recent foray into Facebook, we HAVE to be careful. What you don't understand (other than sarcasm) is that we have no problem with you being on Facebook. The problem comes when you add your kid as a friend, thus joining their social circle. You just became the creepy old guy at the college bar.

"But why shouldn't I be allowed to socialize?" You are allowed, just not with us. That's why there's a bar at Applebees.

Keep in touch with your friends all you want. Just don't do it in the same place we keep in touch with ours.

Might I suggest Friendster?

A Letter To Parents That Join Facebook

Dear Parent,

Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?

To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.

Your Information:Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.

Your Pictures:
You're supposed to post plenty of pictures of yourself if you're hot. If you're ugly, you're supposed to post pictures of things you like, and one or two of yourself at a strange angle where you look like you could be hot if someone squints. But you're old, so that "if you're hot" thing isn't an option.

Tagging Pictures:Facebook allows you to identify when your friends are in a picture you took. This is a great way to let people know when you post a group picture of them, and for people to see what ugly people really look like when someone else tags them. It also lets people tag a picture of cartoons and say their friends are certain characters in it, thus offending at least half of them.

News Feed:This is what you joined for " stalking your children. This will provide you knowledge of everything all your friends do. That will help stalk your children, since they are the only people you know young enough to legitimately have a Facebook.

Poking:Poking is done by people too uncreative to say complicated things like "hello." DO NOT engage someone in a poke war. It will escalate, someone will eventually use nuclear weapons, and we will all die.  
Event Invitations:If you're hosting an event, this is a great way to invite all your friends with no regard to whether or not they can attend or if you actually want them there. I recommend you use it for your bridge games, PTA meetings, and eventual post-divorce orgy.

Groups:Want to feel like you belong? Then join a group of like-minded people. Until the creator sends way too many emails. Then leave.

Applications:There are useful applications, and there are also contests between vampires and werewolves. If you have a teenage daughter, you should try the vampire stuff so you can understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight. (Note: You will never understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight).

Fan Pages:This is a way that people can show their public support for things they enjoy. You will probably become a fan of Larry King, Neil Diamond, and embarrassing your children by being on Facebook. Seriously, what the fuck?