One day

I see so many people on social media writing about how bored they are. Some of these same people used to talk about how one day they’d write a novel or clean the garage or learn Spanish. Well, it’s one day, mother fucker. Ante up. 

Census

Maybe this is not the best time to be sending out census forms to bored couples stuck at home. "How many people in my household? You mean currently or in 9 months?"

Twitch

I'm going to be doing some streaming on Twitch, too. If you're there, give me a follow. https://www.twitch.tv/stevehofstetter

Tests

‪How exactly does a coronavirus test work? Is it a mouth swab or a needle, and at what point do they ask you your net worth?‬

Dear "Steps" app. Shut the fuck up. Now is not the time.

Scared

The thing that scares me the most about all of this is seeing my screen time report. 

Posting

I picked a pretty good time to be 4 months ahead in my content schedule. I will still be posting new videos to my YouTube and Facebook 6 days a week. If you would have bought a ticket to a show, just share my content with your friends. It's free, and helps just as much.

There will

There will come a day where I'll have a bad-smelling uber driver during rush hour traffic to LAX, where an hour line leads to the TSA grabbing my balls so I can make my delayed flight with a middle seat before a rental car mix-up. And I will be smiling the entire time.

Oh. No.

I was just thinking I was getting a handle on this quarantine thing and then my neighbor decided now would be a great time to start learning how to play piano. 

Dogs

You know all those apocalyptic movies where the heroes have their trusty dog friend? Gotta be tough when the dog needs to poop and there are zombies, like, right outside. 

Spoons

I dated a woman who made fun of me for owning my own set of ramen spoons. "When would you ever have occasion to eat that much soup at home?" Well, checkmate.

Investing

Is there an online therapy website looking for investors? In two weeks, y’all are going to be making more than Netflix.

Coronavirus has got people acting crazy. You can't even sneeze directly into a buffet anymore without everyone freaking out.

Names

Got to a charity gig after the show started and saw the host outside. “Anything I should know about the crowd?” “Yeah. Their names are Gina, Ed, Ellen, Manny, and Cheryl.” Well, away we go. 😂

I know this is a radical idea, but maybe...just maybe...there is a middle ground between "this virus is a hoax perpetuated by the media!" and "LETS NEVER LEAVE OUR HOUSES AGAIN AND ENSURE WE DESTROY THE ECONOMY!!!111"

I say this as a sober person: How the hell is the voting age 18, but you can't drink til you're 21? Have you seen some of the shit we have to choose between? There should be beer handed out at voting booths.

Universal

Very impressed with humanity right now. I’ve already been at Universal Studios for an hour and I’ve only seen one woman pretend her adult son was mentally challenged to skip a four-person line. 

Yesterday was 16 years sober. I don't drink anymore because I like the sober version of me better. If you want to change anything about yourself, get to the place where you like the new version of you better. And then you'll have no reason to go back to the old version.

Thank you

A comedian I'd never heard of trash-talked my videos. Someone in the industry saw that post, checked out my channel expecting to hate it - and instead became a fan and offered me work. So, to that comedian: thanks for your persistence and hard work in disliking me. It paid off.

Bloomberg

Imagine a world where instead of spending $559 million running for president, Michael Bloomberg just funded a remake of the final season of Game of Thrones. 

AGT

I want to go on America’s Got Talent. Not as a comedian, my true talent lies in disdainfully judging people.

Sure, rich people can afford an easier life. But there's a wonderful freedom to having no fear you'll be written out of the will. "If you keep talking like that, you won't inherit these car payments I still owe."