Patience is more important than talent.

New York

“Things aren’t so great in New York City. They no longer have planes and trains and cars. Please don’t walk here. Sincerely, Delilah.”

Glad

I am so glad that earthquake didn’t happen on the one day in my life I was high.

Holy hell, so many of you have been sending kind words to @Watchgang on IG that they decided to fund a 2nd grant. They just sent ANOTHER $1K to the Martin Foundation, which will go directly towards out of work comedians. (If you wanna keep thanking them, please do!)

Names

When I have to spell "Hofstetter" over the phone, it usually takes a few tries. Today was a first - I had to spell "Steve" 4 times before the guy got it.

Caulk

There was a crack in the seal below my toilet, so water started leaking. I caulked it and it worked, and I am both disproportionately proud and also have a huge desire to go around my house and seal stuff.

Holy hell, I have sold 135 tickets for my online stand-up show in under an hour, and climbing. And the Australians aren't even awake yet! Assuming the tech works the way we've tested it, we may have found a new way for comedians to tour. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/nowhere-comedy-club-30049882972

Last year, I found a genie. Since I'm a touring comedian, I wished for gas under $1 a gallon, no traffic anywhere, and millions of people bored at home, desperately wanting a night out. That genie is an asshole.

One day

I see so many people on social media writing about how bored they are. Some of these same people used to talk about how one day they’d write a novel or clean the garage or learn Spanish. Well, it’s one day, mother fucker. Ante up. 

Census

Maybe this is not the best time to be sending out census forms to bored couples stuck at home. "How many people in my household? You mean currently or in 9 months?"

Twitch

I'm going to be doing some streaming on Twitch, too. If you're there, give me a follow. https://www.twitch.tv/stevehofstetter

Tests

‪How exactly does a coronavirus test work? Is it a mouth swab or a needle, and at what point do they ask you your net worth?‬

Dear "Steps" app. Shut the fuck up. Now is not the time.

Scared

The thing that scares me the most about all of this is seeing my screen time report. 

Posting

I picked a pretty good time to be 4 months ahead in my content schedule. I will still be posting new videos to my YouTube and Facebook 6 days a week. If you would have bought a ticket to a show, just share my content with your friends. It's free, and helps just as much.

There will

There will come a day where I'll have a bad-smelling uber driver during rush hour traffic to LAX, where an hour line leads to the TSA grabbing my balls so I can make my delayed flight with a middle seat before a rental car mix-up. And I will be smiling the entire time.

Oh. No.

I was just thinking I was getting a handle on this quarantine thing and then my neighbor decided now would be a great time to start learning how to play piano. 

Dogs

You know all those apocalyptic movies where the heroes have their trusty dog friend? Gotta be tough when the dog needs to poop and there are zombies, like, right outside. 

Spoons

I dated a woman who made fun of me for owning my own set of ramen spoons. "When would you ever have occasion to eat that much soup at home?" Well, checkmate.

Investing

Is there an online therapy website looking for investors? In two weeks, y’all are going to be making more than Netflix.

Coronavirus has got people acting crazy. You can't even sneeze directly into a buffet anymore without everyone freaking out.

Names

Got to a charity gig after the show started and saw the host outside. “Anything I should know about the crowd?” “Yeah. Their names are Gina, Ed, Ellen, Manny, and Cheryl.” Well, away we go. 😂

I know this is a radical idea, but maybe...just maybe...there is a middle ground between "this virus is a hoax perpetuated by the media!" and "LETS NEVER LEAVE OUR HOUSES AGAIN AND ENSURE WE DESTROY THE ECONOMY!!!111"

I say this as a sober person: How the hell is the voting age 18, but you can't drink til you're 21? Have you seen some of the shit we have to choose between? There should be beer handed out at voting booths.

Universal

Very impressed with humanity right now. I’ve already been at Universal Studios for an hour and I’ve only seen one woman pretend her adult son was mentally challenged to skip a four-person line. 

Yesterday was 16 years sober. I don't drink anymore because I like the sober version of me better. If you want to change anything about yourself, get to the place where you like the new version of you better. And then you'll have no reason to go back to the old version.

Thank you

A comedian I'd never heard of trash-talked my videos. Someone in the industry saw that post, checked out my channel expecting to hate it - and instead became a fan and offered me work. So, to that comedian: thanks for your persistence and hard work in disliking me. It paid off.

Bloomberg

Imagine a world where instead of spending $559 million running for president, Michael Bloomberg just funded a remake of the final season of Game of Thrones. 

AGT

I want to go on America’s Got Talent. Not as a comedian, my true talent lies in disdainfully judging people.

Sure, rich people can afford an easier life. But there's a wonderful freedom to having no fear you'll be written out of the will. "If you keep talking like that, you won't inherit these car payments I still owe."

Hello, Dali

I tried to go to the Salvador Dali museum, but I couldn’t get up the stairs. And I still have no idea what the hours are.

Naner

The clerk at hotel breakfast has no discernible accent and pronounced every other word I've heard her say conventionally. But she keeps calling bananas “bananers” and now that is all I can say. Bananer. Bananer. Bananer.

Confusing

All this Coronavirus information is confusing. So I should or shouldn't be licking people at the airport?

Sleep

Some people can't sleep in cars or on planes. When I’m tired, I can sleep in a car that has just fallen off a plane.

Of course I'm still mad about how awful Season 8 of Game of Thrones was. I am still mad about Zach Morris scoring a 1502 on the SAT. YOU CAN'T GET A 1502 AND WESTEROS DOESN'T HAVE A STARBUCKS.

Problems

Freshman year of high school: you are terrified of a red circle on your forehead.

Freshman year of college: you are terrified of a pink circle on a home pregnancy test.

Traveling

The subtext of every conversation I've ever had about traveling:

"You're going to Spain? You have to go to this one restaurant. It's an hour from your hotel and the food is marginal, but I remember its name and want to feel like I'm worldly."

Life

Life is like sunblock. Once you hit 30, the differences are minimal.

As a redhead, I spent a lot of my life thinking something being "shady" was a good thing.

Polls

Presidential poll translation: "This candidate is leading among people who still have home landlines and are sad and bored enough to actually talk to a pollster."

It's only Feb and already this tour has been amazing. I can't wait to see what the rest of 2020 has in store for me. Just wanted to take this moment of quiet and happy reflection to remind you that Air Canada is run by lying pieces of shit. #FuckAirCanada https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/air-canada-westjet-passenger-regulations-cta-1.5455807

Grounded

When I was a kid, being grounded wasn’t much of a punishment. I would just think “I guess I’ll read a book.” Now when kids get grounded, they’re like “This sucks. Now I have to learn to read a book.”

Parking

‪Saw a guy try to parallel park 45° from the curb. When it didn’t work, he U-turned across 4 lanes of traffic to pull in headfirst to a spot smaller than the first one. People lose their license all the time for speeding, which takes skill. Moves like this should be instant DQ.‬

Kirk Douglas

In 2012 at the Improv, a 20-something lady was making out with a guy in his 90s. The bar was buzzing cause it was Kirk Douglas! But it wasn't. It was a guy who said he was Kirk Douglas, and some fame-chasing idiot believed him. RIP Kirk. You (and your imposter) led a good life.

At the DMV, standing because there are no seats. There is a woman sitting with her stroller blocking two chairs. She's playing a cartoon on her phone, loudly - while the baby is asleep. I hope they suspend her license.

Video games

I want to make a video game that gives rewards I actually need. “You’ve rescued the princess! Instead of a magical elixir, we’ve paid off two months of your mortgage and got you a new grill pan.”

Boarding

A woman sitting in first class left her bag behind as she boarded my flight from Sydney to LA. When told she couldn't, she asked if "the help was on strike". Holy hell. Imagine being too rich to fly first class.

Just now

I’ve been named “Steve” for way too long to have only just realized my name spells “St. Eve”

Parking

I just parked at a meter that already had some time left on it: Two hours and 45 minutes. And now I’m obsessed with figuring out how any person’s plans could have changed that much.

Dick pic

If you think sending an unsolicited dick pic is your best move, it shows you don’t believe your personality is attractive enough to get attention. And if you send it, it proves you were right.

Full Artist: Gabey Lucas

Every week, The Martin Foundation picks one awesome up-and-coming comedian to promote (and feed!). This week's Full Artist is Gabey Lucas. Check Gabey out January 16 at Jokes Please in Vancouver, BC or right here at https://youtu.be/4xsGeAEak_s