The pope

Is it offensive to say that I am funnier than the pope? Because I’m totally funnier than the pope. 

Walking on Sunshine

"Walking on Sunshine" is a very happy song unless you're a redhead.

Smooshie

Is Smooshie real? If any SigEps missed the opening video for last night’s Balanced Man Celebration (or want to see it again) it’s up! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A3qQxDIFQs&feature=youtu.be

Motivation

Most people who ask for advice are just asking for shortcuts, not directions. There are no shortcuts. If there was a quicker way to get somewhere, it wouldn’t be a short cut, it would be the way there. Don’t ask for short cuts. Ask for directions. #MondayMotivation

PSAs

I’ve been having so much fun with the memes you folks are making out of my PSA shot. I’ve posted a bunch of my favorites on my instagram story if you wanna see. Some super funny ones up there.

Traffic

When I see a ton of traffic in the other direction, my first thought is “glad I’m not in that.” If it keeps going, my second thought is “that really sucks for those people”. But if it goes for long enough, my third thought is “this is hilarious, and I hope this goes forever.”

Butthole

A woman in a park tried to pet Walter without asking, and then insisted I give him CBD oil for his arthritis (he doesn’t have arthritis). Her kid biked by us, and the woman told her to slow down. The kid said “stop being a butthole!” and biked away before I could high-five her.

My life in 5 emojis

My life in 5 emojis: 👨🏻‍🦰🎤✈️🥔🐶

Bags

My bags on the scale weighed a total of 62 pounds. The airport clerk scolded me to weigh them one at a time to make sure they were under the 70 pound per-bag Sky Priority limit. Just in case one bag weighed 80 pounds and one bag weighed negative 18 pounds. 

Raisin

I accidentally threw a raisin in the recycling bin. But then I realized it’s okay because a raisin is just a recycled grape.