Saturday, June 1, 2013

All 99 of Jay Z's Problems

When a few comedians have to kill a few hours in the car between gigs, sometimes they tweet Jay Z's 99 Problems. And sometimes they tweet all of them @S_C_ - sorry Jigga Man. Don't hurt us.




JAY Z's 99 PROBLEMS
1. Isreali/Palestinian Conflict.
2. Ceiling fan makes that clicking noise when set on "High".
3. Wifi keeps resetting.
4. All of the sudden I miss everyone. And I barely even like Explosions in the Sky, why can't I get into that band?
5. "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" by The Georgia Satellites is stuck in my head.
6. Dropped a cell phone in between the car seat and door.
7. The alarming rise in Cran-apple prices.
8. Scrubs rerun came on but it was one of the serious ones :(
9. In-flight magazine sudoku already filled out. Haven't yet learned KenKen.
10. Vanilla Wafers. Can't stop eatin em.
11. Funny gif of an elephant won't load.
12. Number 13 is next and I'm scared.
13. Never got the resolution I wanted from the ending of Twin Peaks
14. Washing machine keeps making that "errrrrrrrrrrgugugug" sound.
15. A little seasick. Not a lot, but it's still uncomfortable.
16. Copy of Blink 182's Dude Ranch is scratched
17. Got a stomach ache from drinking too much @Pepto. Don't know how to cure it now.
18. Tour date conflicts with my nephew's bar mitzvah.
19. Can NOT not cry at the end of City of Angels
20. Got one of those random boners you get while just walking around. I'm at IKEA.
21. Can't put this damn Flange together.
22. Was asked who the fuck I think I am and realized I've never truly known myself
23. The Number 23 my least favorite movie by Jim Carrey.
24. Finally have the entire set of Star Wars Pez dispensers, but Boba Fett is scratched.
25. These Reese's bar are way too nutrageous!
26. Beyonce won't buy crunchy peanut butter. Only smooth.
27. Just started watching The Sopranos but somebody already told me that Christopher gets whacked.
28. Don't have enough votes to win the condo board election.
XXIX. Never really understood arabic numerals. XXIX.V, 'arabic numerals' makes me think back to Ist problem
30. Someone just put water in the soap bottle assuming that that magically creates more soap. #smh
31. McRib isn't in season.
32. I felt that Daniel Radcliffe's acting was really forced in the first 4 Harry Potter movies.
33. Fans put hands in the air, but refuse to waive them as if they just don't care. They clearly care.
34. Played Monopoly but had to use the top hat as my piece because Sasha Fierce took the race car.
35. No one joined my Meetup group. Doesn't anyone else have a kid named Blue Ivy?
36. I actually don't care for the movie "Scarface" but I have to keep up appearances.
37. Pinterest won't stop sending me emails and I don't know what Pinterest is.
38. Just poured a bowl of cereal. No damn milk.
39. Found out what bologna is made out of. Kinda gross, you guys.
40. Not sure what 'Panera Bread' is. Is it a restaurant that just serves bread? THAAAAA FUCK?!?!?
41. Being hurt. I fall in love too easy.
42. Can't remember how Friends ended. Did Ross and Rachel get married? They must have gotten married.
43. Just found out what happened to Steve Irwin! Wasn't even a crocodile that did him dirty?! #smh
44. Obama won't stop texting me. Shouldn't have made out with him during spring break.
45. Still write "2012" on my checks.
47. Dad has a Show-Me State of mind. Not a fan.
48. Magic. I fucking hate magic.
49. That song "I've Been Everywhere" doesn't even mention NYC. EVERYWHERE, really, have you been EVERYWHERE?
50. Tried to book a suite at the Neutral Milk Hotel. Turns out it's just a band.
51. I liked Crystal Pepsi. What was so wrong with Crystal Pepsi?
52. Why can't Jay Baruchel get more work? I thought Undeclared was full of laughs. Not Apatow's best or anything...
53. I want to be cast as War Machine in the next Iron Man movie but Don Cheadele is a BAMF
54. Always forgetting to BYOB at parties.
55. I cant get my calculator to spell "boobs."
56. Hot dogs come in packs of 8, but condoms come in packs of 100? What the hell, conglomerates?
57. I'm hungry but all I have in the kitchen is some pears.
58. Can't spell gregarious...see?!
59. Black-Tie optional. I don't want to be too formal, but I don't want to be too casual. Black suit?
60. Never been able to solve a problem like that Maria chick... and I heard she solved bitches!
61. Jayden Smith lacks charisma.
62. None of my friends like talking about Captain Ron...loved that movie.
63. Thought I had Flange put together. I thought wrong.
64. My stars, I am positively FAMISHED!
65. Accidentally shrunk my tall tee in the wash. Now it's just a tee.
66. No one talks to me at Rush concerts.
67. Twitter handle is just @S_C_, or will be several years after this single's released and twitter becomes a thing
68. Gluten.
69. I have weird speech impediment, I'm actually British.
70. Forever haunted by the ghost of President Taft
71. Cadbury cream eggs seem to get smaller every year.
71. Lady Di. Nuf ced.
72. Parallel parking.
73. As a writer/producer I shouldn't like Huey Lewis and the News...but Heart of Rock n Roll..c'mon
74. The homeless....always in my way.
75. Is it garbage day? I think its garbage day.
76. My shirts are all wrinkled. Turns out my iron was made of zinc! Fourth row problems!
77. Sometimes people get on the elevator and press 2.
78. What the fuck makes gases noble?
79. Still waiting for Cabbage Patch Adults
80. I never got my neighbor's name and its way too late to ask him.
81. Birches, and other deciduous trees
82. My sitcom From J to Z never got greenlit
83. Have to say Beyonce's not home every time Kelly and Michelle call.
84. I've got chills and they're multiplyin.
85. If Kanye was the first black person in the major leagues, AND invented peanut butter, what have I done?
86. My nephew won't stop callin me P-Diddy
87. Kansas is pronounced Kansas but Arkansas is pronounced Arkansas. Whats the deal with states?
88. Biff fucked up my time line.
89. JUST. NOT. INTO. GRACKLES. #dontask #jusplayin #urbancrows
90. Someone took one took one of my Archie comics. I know who...but I hate confrontation
91. I'm losing followers over this.
92. I left my iPod charger at Michael Jackson's house and I REALLY need it back.
93. Reruns of The Fresh Prince? Is it still called 'Fresh'?... never understood how time worked
94. Cant. Stop. Thinking about tomorrow.
95. I have dandruff so at least 3 times a day I have to listen to people tell me to gon brush my shoulders off
96. I call my albums The Blueprints because I never realized my dream of becoming an architect.
97. Doctor said getting my eyes replaced with tiger eyes is a bad idea...sorry Survivor. I tried.
98. Hot dog guy never has change of a thousand.
99. These comedians won't leave me the hell alone.
100. Bitches

This was tweeted by Josh Johnson, Grant Redmond, Marshall Townsend, and me.

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