Friday, June 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
A Case Against Going Blonde (a.k.a. Wino Forever)
Memorial Day has passed, which means my neighborhood just became exponentially blonder over night. I get that it's seasonal and that there are some people who look better blonde (I'm looking at you Katherine Heigl), but I firmly believe nothing good comes from it. Ask Winona Ryder.
This is a still from the infamous 2001 shoplifting video. It broke my heart, really. My childhood idol, the best Jo March there ever was, caught by the Saks Fifth Avenue security camera... with shoulder-length blonde hair. Traumatizing.
What else does blonde hair bring? Having to kiss Adam Sandler. Not young and oddly ripped late 80s MTV Sandler, post Big Daddy, post-chin Sandler. And Mr. Deeds' script... not quite The Age of Innocence. Not even Mermaids.
Blonde hair also brings faux lesbian kisses with other blondes. In Winona's case, it was Jennifer Aniston during her guest appearance on Friends. Poor Winona. Everyone knows Jen's loneliness is so pungent it can be caught like fleas. I doubt she ever recovered.
In Winona Ryder's defense, she is actually a natural blonde. She's also naturally Winona Horowitz. So, clearly she understands the concept of changing yourself for the greater good of your career. I urge anyone reading this who is contemplating going blonde this summer to take Ms. Ryder as an example. Sure, she had a quick cult following resurgence when the "Free Winona" t-shirts came out, but let's take a quick look at that iconic image:
Yep. Brunette.
Author's note: For the sake of this post, I have chosen to completely ignore the fact that she was blonde in Edward Scissorhands. Damn hand scissors cutting holes into my argument...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Best Junkmail Ever
Hi there my name is Paul and i want having sex with woman via skype.....so if you're out there msg me at - equailibry@yahoo.com
Good luck, Paul. Good luck.
Good luck, Paul. Good luck.
Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long
My blog about Silk Stalkings got me thinking about how crazy it was that that show was on the air for that long. All the responses I got said they remembered the show, but no one said they watched it. And miraculously, it lasted almost a decade.
I now present the Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long.
7) Nash Bridges - 6 Seasons and 122 Episodes
Buddy Cop is the genre that's easiest to screw up. But casting Don Johnson and Cheech Marin ensures it will be awful. I have nothing against either one - but it's a sad state of affairs when the fans of Miami Vice and Still Smoking grow up to be lame. How inexplicable is this show's run? It lasted 11 episodes longer than Miami Vice. I had no idea that many old people owned television sets.
6) 7th Heaven - 11 Seasons and 243 Episodes
I would describe this show as "schmaltz" but the Yiddish in that description would offend its Christian sensibilities. Every episode with a lesson, every lesson with a hug, and every hug with a bit of vomit in my mouth. The only good thing to come out of this show was a post-7th Heaven Jessica Biel pissing off the religious right with her birthday suit. Want to know how long this show lasted? By the end of it, 7-year-old Mackenzie Rosman was hot.
5) Falcon Crest - 9 Seasons and 227 Episodes
For anyone whose television sets didn't get Dallas, there was Falcon Crest. A 1980s prime-time soap opera that chronicled two warring wine families, I'd guess the audience was as drunk as its characters. The show benefited from the prime-time drama craze, the lack of competition that cable eventually created, and the fact that very few people in the 1980s had taste. Put this show up against Law and Order or House and it would have been demolished. But because it ran in the 1980s, one of its actresses actually won a Golden Globe. It was also nominated for four Emmy awards (and won one of those) - all for sound mixing and music editing.
4) According to Jim - 8 Seasons and 182 Episodes
I am shocked and appalled that something this generic could last this long. 182 episodes. That means 182 plots where the dumb husband screws up and learns a valuable lesson just in time for his magnanimous wife to love him anyway. Home Improvement did the same thing, only with writers instead of chimps. And that's GOT to be a laugh track - there's no way a room full of people can laugh that hard, that consistently when there's absolutely no punchlines. The only thing sadder than John Belushi's death is that his brother has somehow made a career off of it.
3) Silk Stalkings - 8 Seasons and 176 Episodes
As many episodes as Family Ties, more episodes than LA Law, and just three episodes shy of I Love Lucy. Silk Stalkings was a 1990s drama(?) set in the sexy and dangerous town of Palm Beach, Florida. You know - where a quarter of the population is over 65? Oooh, sexy. The show was basically girls in bikinis coming out of pools, except the episodes where the girls in bikinis got into pools. The plots were so inconsequential that they changed BOTH lead actors 100 episodes in, and the show made it another 75 episodes. Even more amazing is its creator - Stephen J. Cannell. He also created The Rockford Files, The Greatest American Hero, The A-Team, Wiseguy, 21 Jump Street, the Commish, and Renegade, and Silk Stalkings was his longest running show.
2) Jag - 10 Seasons and 227 Episodes
If A Few Good Men were a TV show and completely forgettable, it would be Jag. I've not only never seen an episode, I've never even seen a clip. And yet it lasted 10 years. Arrested Development barely squeaked through a 3rd season, Sports Night made it two seasons, and Freaks and Geeks only had one year on the air. But a show with no one famous with no memorable plot lasts 10 years because it was written by the same guy who wrote Quantum Leap. Which, by the way, only lasted five years.
1) Walker: Texas Ranger - 9 Seasons and 203 Episodes
Forget everything you've read, this is the true testament of Chuck Norris' strength. How campy was this show? You could even tell the good guys from the bad guys by which cars they drove. Or so says the IMDB page, it's not like I ever watched this bucket of awfulness. The only time I've seen it is via Conan O'Brien, who brilliantly played my favorite clip of any TV show ever - Haley Joel Osment's "Walker told me I have AIDS." If you haven't seen the clip yet, you have to. It will change your life.
Honorable Mentions:
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - 9 Seasons+ (Really? Jeff Goldblum? Really?)
Touched By an Angel - 9 Seasons (I'd rather be touched by an uncle)
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - 550+ Episodes if you count all the incarnations (I always used to say that Voltron didn't have enough live action)
Diagnosis Murder - 8 Seasons (I liked it better when it was called "Murder She Wrote")
Girlfriends - 8 Seasons (Usually blacksploitation lasts four seasons, tops)
Hogan's Heroes - 6 Seasons (Most hysterical holocaust show ever!)
Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.
I now present the Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long.
7) Nash Bridges - 6 Seasons and 122 Episodes
Buddy Cop is the genre that's easiest to screw up. But casting Don Johnson and Cheech Marin ensures it will be awful. I have nothing against either one - but it's a sad state of affairs when the fans of Miami Vice and Still Smoking grow up to be lame. How inexplicable is this show's run? It lasted 11 episodes longer than Miami Vice. I had no idea that many old people owned television sets.
6) 7th Heaven - 11 Seasons and 243 Episodes
I would describe this show as "schmaltz" but the Yiddish in that description would offend its Christian sensibilities. Every episode with a lesson, every lesson with a hug, and every hug with a bit of vomit in my mouth. The only good thing to come out of this show was a post-7th Heaven Jessica Biel pissing off the religious right with her birthday suit. Want to know how long this show lasted? By the end of it, 7-year-old Mackenzie Rosman was hot.
5) Falcon Crest - 9 Seasons and 227 Episodes
For anyone whose television sets didn't get Dallas, there was Falcon Crest. A 1980s prime-time soap opera that chronicled two warring wine families, I'd guess the audience was as drunk as its characters. The show benefited from the prime-time drama craze, the lack of competition that cable eventually created, and the fact that very few people in the 1980s had taste. Put this show up against Law and Order or House and it would have been demolished. But because it ran in the 1980s, one of its actresses actually won a Golden Globe. It was also nominated for four Emmy awards (and won one of those) - all for sound mixing and music editing.
4) According to Jim - 8 Seasons and 182 Episodes
I am shocked and appalled that something this generic could last this long. 182 episodes. That means 182 plots where the dumb husband screws up and learns a valuable lesson just in time for his magnanimous wife to love him anyway. Home Improvement did the same thing, only with writers instead of chimps. And that's GOT to be a laugh track - there's no way a room full of people can laugh that hard, that consistently when there's absolutely no punchlines. The only thing sadder than John Belushi's death is that his brother has somehow made a career off of it.
3) Silk Stalkings - 8 Seasons and 176 Episodes
As many episodes as Family Ties, more episodes than LA Law, and just three episodes shy of I Love Lucy. Silk Stalkings was a 1990s drama(?) set in the sexy and dangerous town of Palm Beach, Florida. You know - where a quarter of the population is over 65? Oooh, sexy. The show was basically girls in bikinis coming out of pools, except the episodes where the girls in bikinis got into pools. The plots were so inconsequential that they changed BOTH lead actors 100 episodes in, and the show made it another 75 episodes. Even more amazing is its creator - Stephen J. Cannell. He also created The Rockford Files, The Greatest American Hero, The A-Team, Wiseguy, 21 Jump Street, the Commish, and Renegade, and Silk Stalkings was his longest running show.
2) Jag - 10 Seasons and 227 Episodes
If A Few Good Men were a TV show and completely forgettable, it would be Jag. I've not only never seen an episode, I've never even seen a clip. And yet it lasted 10 years. Arrested Development barely squeaked through a 3rd season, Sports Night made it two seasons, and Freaks and Geeks only had one year on the air. But a show with no one famous with no memorable plot lasts 10 years because it was written by the same guy who wrote Quantum Leap. Which, by the way, only lasted five years.
1) Walker: Texas Ranger - 9 Seasons and 203 Episodes
Forget everything you've read, this is the true testament of Chuck Norris' strength. How campy was this show? You could even tell the good guys from the bad guys by which cars they drove. Or so says the IMDB page, it's not like I ever watched this bucket of awfulness. The only time I've seen it is via Conan O'Brien, who brilliantly played my favorite clip of any TV show ever - Haley Joel Osment's "Walker told me I have AIDS." If you haven't seen the clip yet, you have to. It will change your life.
Honorable Mentions:
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - 9 Seasons+ (Really? Jeff Goldblum? Really?)
Touched By an Angel - 9 Seasons (I'd rather be touched by an uncle)
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - 550+ Episodes if you count all the incarnations (I always used to say that Voltron didn't have enough live action)
Diagnosis Murder - 8 Seasons (I liked it better when it was called "Murder She Wrote")
Girlfriends - 8 Seasons (Usually blacksploitation lasts four seasons, tops)
Hogan's Heroes - 6 Seasons (Most hysterical holocaust show ever!)
Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Opening to Silk Stalkings in 50 Still Frames
Every time I see a commercial for USA's Burn Notice (which is every commercial break on NBC), I can't help but think of USA's earlier version of the show, Silk Stalkings. I've never seen an episode of either, but I imagine they're very similar.
"Do you like danger and money and sex? Then stay tuned for USA's new hit, DANGERMONEYSEX, starring some people that would otherwise have been in soft core porn."
If you don't remember Silk Stalkings, it was USA's mid-90s answer to Cinemax, which ran for a miraculous 150+ episodes over 8 seasons. The opening credits were a montage of nonsensical images set to the music of a ticking clock, aborigine instruments, smooth jazz, a Vegas lounge guitar act, moaning, and the death rattle of Rob Estes' dignity.
Here's the full opening credits. But much more fun is a break down of 50 still frames from the opening. These are their actual order - I edited nothing.
Hey, a show about golf.
Golf and police.
On boats.
And horses.
I'm beginning to think this show is not about golf.
Hey, why is that guy running?
Maybe because the cocktail waitress is shooting at him.
She shot his clothes off!
Life is sexier when it's blurry.
If these colors were reversed, this would be a scene from Avatar.
Apparently, this guy is still running.
"Before the funeral, can we stop at the bank?"
"Hey, wait for me! My ankles are too skinny to run fast!"
"Can you help me find a gas station?"
"How about BP?"
I was just thinking I'd like someone to shoot me.
Cotton Leggings. Close, but no cigar.
This is the part of the show when everyone gets dressed.
"Marco!"
That's her knee. How freaking long are his arms?
Drunk, this show makes even less sense.
Diamonds, legs, and a gun? It's DANGERMONEYSEX!
My favorite part, where the woman suddenly stops the guy's hand and, wait for it...
He roofies her! Oh USA Network! Where characters are welcome.
And now, a woman's ass.
Look, she's farting the title.
"Help, I'm being chased by a guy in a jet pack."
Heidi Montag's first role.
"Upon closer inspection, this show is still shitty."
Stock footage of a sniper from the early 80s.
"Sorry we're late for the funeral. Long line at the bank."
It's always a good idea to splice in footage from "The Blue Lagoon."
The sad thing is that this was the highlight of her career.
Rob Estes eventually left the show to achieve mediocrity in other roles.
"There's been a terrible accident in the woodshop class."
This is either a sexy lady or Chewbacca
Hopefully they will shoot us a few times and make sure we're dead.
"Polo!"
A camera took a picture of a camera. It's like looking into a mirror across from a mirror.
"The dentist recommends I floss twice a day."
"I once caught a slut thiiiiiis big."
Is that a sexy woman holding a briefcase? I wonder what she's going to do with it...
And a guy taking a picture of her...
Now the man has the briefcase! Is there an actual storyline developing?
Nope! Cut to a murdered blonde in a track suit.
The girl in the track suit died, but the one in the tight dress got away. Makes sense.
Are these assholes still running?
The game of Marco Polo had a tragic end.
And suddenly, a shot of a tarantula. Why? I think a production assistant randomly had a pet tarantula. There's no way someone could have thought of this shot ahead of time. If only there were some sort of weapon to kill the tarantula that we could end the credits with.
Ah, perfect.
"Do you like danger and money and sex? Then stay tuned for USA's new hit, DANGERMONEYSEX, starring some people that would otherwise have been in soft core porn."
If you don't remember Silk Stalkings, it was USA's mid-90s answer to Cinemax, which ran for a miraculous 150+ episodes over 8 seasons. The opening credits were a montage of nonsensical images set to the music of a ticking clock, aborigine instruments, smooth jazz, a Vegas lounge guitar act, moaning, and the death rattle of Rob Estes' dignity.
Here's the full opening credits. But much more fun is a break down of 50 still frames from the opening. These are their actual order - I edited nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
