Top Seven Actors We Never Saw Coming

7) Hilary Swank
Two-time best actress Oscar winner, Swank is known for her roles in Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Baby. She's also won two Golden Globes and was nominated for a third. But how did we meet her? Her first big role was "Danielle" on the kitchy Camp Wilder. After a quick and merciful cancellation, Swank went on to star in The Next Karate Kid, the movie that would ruin the Karate Kid franchise forever, until 2010 when it was somehow ruined a second time. Her last role before Boys Don't Cry was as Carly Reynolds on 90210, a character so disliked that she only lasted 16 episodes before producers cut her. A year later, she had an Oscar.

Hilary Swank, telling her agent to please stop.

6) George Clooney
Clooney was a TV star before he made the jump to film - a jump few thought he should make. When he left ER, the consensus was that he was pulling a David Caruso. Instead, he pulled down hit after hit after hit. He won his Oscar for Syriana, but was also nominated for Up in the Air, Michael Clayton, and as a writer AND director for Good Night, and Good Luck. Not to mention playing the title character in the Oceans Eleven franchise. But Clooney didn't come directly from ER. Oddly enough, his first big role was on an early 1980s hospital dram-com called, well, E/R. After that, Clooney played small but recurring roles on The Facts of Life, Roseanne, and Sisters, as well as horrifically bad shows like Baby Talk and Bodies of Evidence. In other words, he is what Scott Baio could have been.

George Clooney, learning the facts of mullets.

5) Jamie Foxx
After a small role in Roc, Foxx was part of the non-Wayans replacement cast on In Living Color. Even that didn't launch him to stardom, as he followed up with occasional cameos on Moesha, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and other shows white people never watched. He finally landed his own show, which lasted an astonishing 100 episodes. And suddenly, he won a best actor Oscar for Ray, the same year he was also nominated for best supporting actor in Collateral. And there's also his song that reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Though Ron Howard was in that video, so white people watched it.

Yup, looks like an Oscar winner.

4) Laurence Fishburne
 Best known as Morpheus from the Matrix (and the father of a porn star), Fishburne is an Emmy Award winning, Oscar nominated actor who was also in Mystic River, Othello, and the Tuskeegee Airmen. All a few years after he played Cowboy Curtis on Pee-wee's Playhouse. Which, coincidentally, is the name of his daughter's next film.

"Hi, Larry, this is your dignity calling. We have to talk..."

3) Will Smith
His hokey hip-hop single "Parents Just Don't Understand" led to his role in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." His role in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" led to him being one of the top ten highest grossing box office stars of all-time. Thanks mainly to Independence Day, Men in Black, I am Legend, and Bad Boys, his movies have grossed over 5 billion dollars worldwide. That's a slightly different path than fellow 1980s artist "Too Short," who ended up in porn. Maybe he knows Larry Fishburne's daughter.

Even Will Smith's parents just don't understand how this happened.

2) Don Cheadle
When you think Don Cheadle, you think an amazingly accomplished actor. From dramatic roles in Hotel Rwanda and Crash to comic roles in Oceans Eleven and Iron Man, Cheadle is known for his range. He's not known for being the hotel manager on the ill-fated Golden Girls spin-off, Golden Palace. Which was a true crash.

Don Cheadle, researching for his eventual role in Hotel Rwanda.

1) Leonardo DiCaprio
When a sit-com adds a random character, that typically means they're done. That's what Leo DiCaprio was for Growing Pains, when Jesus started making too many demands on Kirk Cameron's time. Cameron became an evangelist, Jeremy Miller left the business, Tracey Gold drank herself to jail, Andrew Koenig killed himself, and Leonardo DiCaprio became one of the most sought after and respected actors in the world. What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Basketball Diaries, Romeo and Juliet, and Titanic were all within five years of Growing Pains. Maybe Kirk Cameron prayed for him.

"Which one of these is not like the others..."

Top Seven Tips for Future Contestants of The Bachelorette

As my fiance watches more and more reality TV, I find myself actually getting into some of the shows. One of my new favorites is the Bachelorette. I HATED the first episode I saw. Then I began getting to know how amazingly train-wrecky everyone was, and I watch for the same reason I watch skiing: to see them fall.

Some fall because they're insane, and some fall simply because they're boring and they don't know how to talk to women. Or anyone else.

So I figured I'd give future contestants a few tips on how to act.

1) Strike a delicate balance between loving your family and being independent. i.e. "My grandmother taught me so much when I was a kid. She's dead now."

2) Make this all about her. She needs the kind of attention that can only be provided by 25 guys chasing her on national television. i.e. "This must be so hard on you. You're such a brave person."

3) Don't talk trash about the other guys or you will look stupid and petty. Instead, compliment the men who would like to see you dead and also have sex with the woman you're trying to marry.

4) Keep the conversation fun so that you don't talk about anything that actually matters to you. Say things like, "ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

5) Ignore her obvious weaknesses. No matter how much she keeps talking about her fear of flying, don't point out that every other date involves a plane or a helicopter.

6) She will ask you about your ex-girlfriends. Be really general in a specific sounding way. i.e. "I think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love. Are you going to finish that canole?"

7) Only show her your hidden talent if you actually have one. Don't sing, play guitar, or dance unless you're on the semi-pro level. Your real hidden talent is probably picking up drunk women in middle America.

Honorable Mentions: Use the word "connection" as much as possible. And drop the name of the ABC sponsors. You won't win, but you might get your own season of "The Bachelor."

Top Seven Rappers Turned Actors

7) Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem)
Aside from 82 credits playing himself, Marshall Mathers was awesome in 8 Mile, where he played himself but with a different name. So the guy can't stretch - but he did win an MTV Movie Award and a Teen Choice award. And while those means as much in the industry as an associate producer credit, I was still impressed that he did a movie with Kim Bassinger and he came out looking like the better actor. Also that of every one in a rap movie about inner city Detroit, Brittany Murphy was the first cast member to die. 

6) Chris Bridges (aka Ludacris)
He was great in the critically acclaimed Crash - but what really made him stand out were his performances on Law and Order: SVU. Twice, Luda played Fin Tutuola's nephew. That's especially funny since Tutuola is played by Ice-T, who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag (even if it was filled with crack). And he even showed some range with a funny role in Fred Claus, a movie so bad it reminded me of Ice-T's acting ability.

5) Trevor Smith (aka Busta Rhymes)
Rhymes was great as the older brother in Finding Forrester. Of course, he knows drama - his original group, Leaders of the New School, broke up on the set of Yo! MTV Raps. But he can also do comedy - the role I liked him best in was Who's the Man? In an otherwise terribly forgettable Ed Lover/Dr. Dre vehicle that gave me one more reason to dislike Dennis Leary, Rhymes brought some much needed comic relief - to a comedy. With the exception of Leary, the cast was a who's who in black Hollywood, and the part of Night Train was played by Ice-T. I'll let you guess how he did.

4) Cordozar Broadus (aka Snoop Dog)
A recurring voice on The Boondocks, and a guest star on Weeds, Monk, and Entourage, Snoop is fantastic at playing the laid back stoner. Okay, so you won't see him in a production of A Raisin in the Sun any time soon, but you will see him in 59 roles. Wow - there are real actors who don't work that often. He's also made 211 appearances as himself. So that's 270 roles as a laid back stoner.

3) Dante Smith (aka Mos Def)
Mos Def is a bit of an exception, since he's an actor-turned-rapper-turned-actor. In the mid 90s, Smith had bit parts in everything from The Cosby Mysteries to NYPD Blue. In the late 90s, Mos Def and Twalib Kweli formed Black Star and suddenly Dante Smith took a back seat. But since then, Smith has had hilarious roles on Chappelle's Show and in Next Day Air, as well as absolutely carrying The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And in continued proof that the rapper/actor world is a very small one, he was also great in The Italian Job. I would have loved to see a Marky Mark/Mos Def collaboration.

2) Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark)
This is probably the most surprising on the list, since we met Mark Wahlberg as the pants-around-the-ankles rapping little brother of a New Kid on the Block. And then suddenly, he was the breakout kid in Boogie Nights, the action hero in The Italian Job, and the Oscar nominated star of The Departed. Which is especially surprising to me - not because he out-acted Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, and Martin Sheen, but because Wahlberg's role was originally offered to Denis Leary.

1) Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince)
Big Willie gets the number one spot for a few reasons. 1) Two Oscar nominations, four Golden Globe nominations (two drama, two comedy), and MTV Movie Awards (or nominations) for NINE separate movies. 2) While acting in some of his hit movies, he also released a string of hit singles. 3) Who the hell saw this coming? We met Will Smith as half of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, singing Parents Just Don't Understand. What I don't understand is how that same guy could be the actor from I Am Legend. Smith currently has 28 projects in development, including Harold and the Purple Crayon and Flowers for Algernon. Of course, if he could get his son to stop ruining Karate Kid, that'd be even more impressive.

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.

Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long

My blog about Silk Stalkings got me thinking about how crazy it was that that show was on the air for that long. All the responses I got said they remembered the show, but no one said they watched it. And miraculously, it lasted almost a decade.

I now present the Top Seven TV Shows That Lasted Way Too Long.

7) Nash Bridges - 6 Seasons and 122 Episodes
Buddy Cop is the genre that's easiest to screw up. But casting Don Johnson and Cheech Marin ensures it will be awful. I have nothing against either one - but it's a sad state of affairs when the fans of Miami Vice and Still Smoking grow up to be lame. How inexplicable is this show's run? It lasted 11 episodes longer than Miami Vice. I had no idea that many old people owned television sets.







6) 7th Heaven - 11 Seasons and 243 Episodes
I would describe this show as "schmaltz" but the Yiddish in that description would offend its Christian sensibilities. Every episode with a lesson, every lesson with a hug, and every hug with a bit of vomit in my mouth. The only good thing to come out of this show was a post-7th Heaven Jessica Biel pissing off the religious right with her birthday suit. Want to know how long this show lasted? By the end of it, 7-year-old Mackenzie Rosman was hot.








5) Falcon Crest - 9 Seasons and 227 Episodes
For anyone whose television sets didn't get Dallas, there was Falcon Crest. A 1980s prime-time soap opera that chronicled two warring wine families, I'd guess the audience was as drunk as its characters. The show benefited from the prime-time drama craze, the lack of competition that cable eventually created, and the fact that very few people in the 1980s had taste. Put this show up against Law and Order or House and it would have been demolished. But because it ran in the 1980s, one of its actresses actually won a Golden Globe. It was also nominated for four Emmy awards (and won one of those) - all for sound mixing and music editing.







4) According to Jim - 8 Seasons and 182 Episodes
I am shocked and appalled that something this generic could last this long. 182 episodes. That means 182 plots where the dumb husband screws up and learns a valuable lesson just in time for his magnanimous wife to love him anyway. Home Improvement did the same thing, only with writers instead of chimps. And that's GOT to be a laugh track - there's no way a room full of people can laugh that hard, that consistently when there's absolutely no punchlines. The only thing sadder than John Belushi's death is that his brother has somehow made a career off of it.







3) Silk Stalkings - 8 Seasons and 176 Episodes
As many episodes as Family Ties, more episodes than LA Law, and just three episodes shy of I Love Lucy. Silk Stalkings was a 1990s drama(?) set in the sexy and dangerous town of Palm Beach, Florida. You know - where a quarter of the population is over 65? Oooh, sexy. The show was basically girls in bikinis coming out of pools, except the episodes where the girls in bikinis got into pools. The plots were so inconsequential that they changed BOTH lead actors 100 episodes in, and the show made it another 75 episodes. Even more amazing is its creator - Stephen J. Cannell. He also created The Rockford Files, The Greatest American Hero, The A-Team, Wiseguy, 21 Jump Street, the Commish, and Renegade, and Silk Stalkings was his longest running show.







2) Jag - 10 Seasons and 227 Episodes
If A Few Good Men were a TV show and completely forgettable, it would be Jag. I've not only never seen an episode, I've never even seen a clip. And yet it lasted 10 years. Arrested Development barely squeaked through a 3rd season, Sports Night made it two seasons, and Freaks and Geeks only had one year on the air. But a show with no one famous with no memorable plot lasts 10 years because it was written by the same guy who wrote Quantum Leap. Which, by the way, only lasted five years.









1) Walker: Texas Ranger - 9 Seasons and 203 Episodes
Forget everything you've read, this is the true testament of Chuck Norris' strength. How campy was this show? You could even tell the good guys from the bad guys by which cars they drove. Or so says the IMDB page, it's not like I ever watched this bucket of awfulness. The only time I've seen it is via Conan O'Brien, who brilliantly played my favorite clip of any TV show ever - Haley Joel Osment's "Walker told me I have AIDS." If you haven't seen the clip yet, you have to. It will change your life.








Honorable Mentions:
Law and Order: Criminal Intent - 9 Seasons+ (Really? Jeff Goldblum? Really?)
Touched By an Angel - 9 Seasons (I'd rather be touched by an uncle)
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - 550+ Episodes if you count all the incarnations (I always used to say that Voltron didn't have enough live action)
Diagnosis Murder - 8 Seasons (I liked it better when it was called "Murder She Wrote")
Girlfriends - 8 Seasons (Usually blacksploitation lasts four seasons, tops)
Hogan's Heroes - 6 Seasons (Most hysterical holocaust show ever!)

Did we leave anything out? Disagree with these choices? Then tell us how we could have done better.