Everything is Bigger in Texas - Even the Ignorance!

In a narrow (minded?) vote, the Texas State Board of Education approved a more conservative curriculum, with the vote going exactly down party lines. Because our children shouldn't be taught facts - they should be taught the facts according to the current governor.

Why does this affect you, non-Texas people? Because textbook manufacturers often tailor their books to Texas, since the schools buy so many. You know, to burn. (Kidding! That's all in the past. Texas hasn't had a widely reported book burning in at least 8 months).

The new lessons actually include questioning the separation of Church and State and a more favorable look at Joseph McCarthy. You know Joseph McCarthy – the paranoid guy who was convinced the subversive communists would take over America sixty years ago. He was right – it’s just they’re so subversive, we haven’t noticed yet. McCarthy used fascist tactics to try to stamp out fascism, was one of the few senators to ever be officially censured by his colleagues, and he died of hepatitis (sped up by his alcoholism). But really, he was just misunderstood.

So I’ve figured out the next few lessons that the school board will be teaching for political gain, if things keep going in this direction.

Not paying attention to foreign policy makes you a "maverick."
While the rest of our leaders are briefed on world events, Sarah Palin’s brazen stand to know nothing about our enemies, friends, or ourselves is a brave slap in the face to Washington. You know Washington – the place she desperately tried to live. But she hates it there. What a maverick!

Defending us from rational thought.

Real America is predominantly in the central time zone. 
Our founding fathers weren’t big city educated elites! Except for the ones that were, like the thirty-five members of the 1787 continental congress that were lawyers, the eleven that were securities speculators, the two that were scientists, and the four that were doctors. But none of that will be taught, because those guys weren’t the REAL founders. The REAL founders were the two of them that were farmers. Despite the 80% of Americans who actually live in urban areas, today we are a rural country, comprised predominantly of farmers. John Mellencamp will be re-writing the national anthem. Then when we remember that Mellencamp supports the democratic party, Toby Keith will cover it, and we’ll use that version instead.

Arizona is no longer part of Jesusland, since everyone named Jesus is being deported.

Gay marriage is an abomination.
Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Temporarily, until they’re sick of each other, and find new men and women with whom they can be sacred. Or win a reality show with. Either or is cool, as long as there’s only one penis involved.

Marriage is just this sacred.

Glenn Beck is a rational voice of counter-culture, not a vaudevillian showman who will say anything for ratings.
Remember when Glenn Beck repeatedly discussed his mother’s suicide, despite his wife and newspapers having no idea she committed suicide? Neither will your children! If we can paint Joseph McCarthy’s rabble rousing and alcoholism as being a misunderstood patriot, we can do the same for Glenn Beck.

Is that plaid on his sleeve? That's not American! Traitor!

Pulling yourself by your bootstraps is an American tradition, that stops at our generation.
What made America great was our ability to immigrate here and escape persecution. And now that we’re here, enough with the immigrants. Unless we run out of bootstraps, they're great at making those.

Nope, no immigrants here - just us Europeans!

Government funded health care programs are unconstitutional.
There are no amendments in the constitution that say our citizens deserve health care. Except Medicaid – we like Medicaid, because we’re used to it. But because it’s not in the constitution, the government shouldn’t get involved. Because the government does nothing unless it’s a constitutional amendment. Except immigration and police and voting on text books. That's right kids - don't trust your government. Unless we happen to be your government.

Privatize it all! Because the banks and UPS do such a bang up job.

Incidentally, Texas ranks 50th in per-capita high school diplomas, ranks 46th in math and 49th in verbal SAT scores, and has just one college in the nation's top 50 - out of their 145 colleges. And those godless heathens in California have 9.

Congratulations Texas! Happy learnin'!

Damn you, Elena Kagan

For the thirteen years since I graduated high school, I have had the goal of being the most notable alumni from my high school. Until Elena Kagan (1977) was nominated to the Unites States Supreme Court, I had a shot.

When I was in high school, we had one really notable alumni - Marvin Young (1985). You’d know him better as Young MC. As much as I loved “Bust a Move,” Young MC was a one-hit wonder. All I’d need is two hits.

At the time, Mike Maronna (1995) was already sort of famous for playing Pete on Pete and Pete (Which one? I’ll never tell!). Oddly enough, he was more famous in high school than he is now. His last role was in a 2004 movie called “Men without Jobs,” clearly a documentary about his career. I have no problem being a dick to Mike in this blog, as that’s how he treated me in high school. Incidentally, he skipped prom, but wore a wedding dress to school the next day and kept telling people to grab his “boobs.” Just wanted to make sure that was in print.

When I graduated in 1997, Cynthia Nixon (1984) was doing well on Broadway, but TV and movies saw her doing the same bit parts she had before she even went to high school. But the game changed the following year when she became “Miranda” on Sex And The City. Not only was she part of one of the seminal shows of our generation, she had the honor of playing the one character no woman wanted to be. I always thought Miranda was the cool one, but I’ve since learned that women would rather be a basket case, vapid, or the town bicycle before being the sensible one that’s only mildly attractive.

Holy crap, I think Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend is Mike Maronna.

In 2002, public access boxing aficionado Max Kellerman landed “Around the Horn” on ESPN. He’s had a respectable career, but clearly Cynthia Nixon was still the alumni that set the bar. Of course, that same year, Irulan Wilson (1998) was on Real World Las Vegas. No problem – all I have to do to be more notable than her is something better than having sex with a castmate while my significant other watches from home. Oops.

Cynthia Nixon set the bar, and Irulan Wilson turned it upright and danced around it. In fairness to Irulan, she was the least slutty member of her cast. In fairness to fairness, that cast included Trishelle.

The next year, Avenue Q opened on Broadway. It is widely seen as one of the most inventive and successful Broadway musicals of all time, and was written by Bobby Lopez (1993). Sunnovabitch. Cynthia Nixon won two Emmys, but Bobby Lopez won three Tonys. Besting a one-hit wonder seemed easy in comparison.

In 2005, Jon Daniels (1995) became the youngest general manager in Major League Baseball history. He also became the first GM that previously picked on me on a school bus. Since he was hired, Jon and I have talked, and he’s actually grown up to be a soft-spoken, nice guy. And he hasn’t even made the playoffs yet, so I could still beat him.

In 2008, In The Heights joined Avenue Q on Broadway. Writing, directing, and starring was Lin-Manuel Miranda (1998). Yup – he’s not just a triple threat, he’s also younger than me. I knew Lin in high school and always liked him; twice, we were in different one-act plays in the same production. Except I had a few lines in my play, and he wrote his. Lin only won two Tony’s to Bobby’s three. Of course, Lin was nominated for thirteen of them. Oh, and he won a Grammy, too.

Of course, all that is moot now. Grammys, Emmys, Tonys, and a second place finish in the AL West, I could still possibly beat. But I could be Jerry-Freaking-Seinfeld and I wouldn’t be as notable as a Unites States Supreme Court Justice. By the way, Elena’s brother Irving also went to Hunter – and still teaches there. I had him for social studies in 8^th grade. Which is right around the last time Mike Maronna found work.

Damn you and all your successes, Hunter High School. I guess I’m going to have to run for president.

Florida Is Working Hard to Look As Racist As Arizona

Just when you thought Arizona's new policy of detaining anyone with a tan was bad, in steps a congressional candidate from Florida.

Dan Fanelli (R-Idiot) has a campaign ad that depicts two darker skinned men speaking Arabic and discussing a plot that presumably involves raping our babies. Fanelli is then shown between one of the men and a white guy, and asks which one looks more like a terrorist.

It's a trick question. The definition of terrorism is "the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes." So the guy trying to scare voters into electing him is clearly the terrorist.

Here's the whole video. Hopefully it's still up, since most of the copies of it have been pulled off the internet for "copyright infringement." I wonder if he used any threats or intimidation to make that happen.

My favorite part of the video is that Fanelli jokes that he wouldn't mind being pulled out of line at the airport if "a good looking, ripped guy without much hair was flying airplanes into the twin towers."

Ahh, nothing like mocking the deaths of thousands of people to win over the voters. Also, good looking and ripped? In case you didn't watch the video, here is Fanelli:


Yes, Mr. Turtle, you're quite handsome. "Without much hair" is also the least self-deprecating way to say "bald guy." He should be happy he doesn't have a spire on his head, or he and the Capitol would look like twins. If Fanelli can't tell the difference between himself and a good-looking guy, he probably can't tell the difference between a Saudi Arabian and someone from the Jersey Shore.

The strangest part of all of this is that they actually got two guys to play the Arabs in the commercial. How desperate are some people to be actors? That's got to be a great Craigslist ad:

"Small commercial role for an Arab actor. Large, menacing, and willing to betray his entire race. Must be SAG."

As an aside, I would like to stand outside Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's office and ask for her immigration papers, claiming she looks Canadian.

Today's Lessons: You should not vote for Dan Fanelli. Do not take a picture next to a domed building when you're bald.