13 Tombstones Of Celebrities That Aren't Dead

Appropriate Times To Type "LOL"

You have begun to type "lollipop," had a seizure, and fell on the enter key.

You have set a high score, and your name is Loretta Oswald Lorettaberg.

Mavis Beacon is teaching you to touch type.

You are foreign, and learned all of your English from an 8th grade girl.

Your i, e, and n keys are broken, and someone demands to know the first name of Nicole Ritchie's father.

You are retarded.

A List of Every Single Person Still Using MySpace

Tom.

Goofus and Gallant for 2010

Highlights Magazine is trumpeting Goofus and Gallant's updated look. Here's their updated attitude.

What Your Facebook Profile Picture Really Means

No facebook profile picture is perfect - but here are some of the most common ones and what they reveal about our personalities.

You and your significant other
You have lost your identity. You are no longer Becky and Dave. You're now BeckyDave, a bizarre creature with two heads, one brain, and no friends. Seriously, unless the Facebook profile is for both of you, the picture should be of just you. Also, you're afraid of being alone. The best part is, you'll deny any of this is accurate, but only while talking to your significant other since all your friends have been bored by you for quite some time.

You, but a cartoon
Isn't this hilarious? The only thing funnier than a cartoon of you is how low your self-esteem is.

You skinny, even though you're fat in real life
How the world sees you is very important to you, but not as important as cake.

You, drunk
Either you are so shortsighted that you think getting a few laughs is more important than any job offer, or you're too dumb to realize that people actually do form opinions based on Facebook pictures. Either way, you have a bright future in retail. Make sure you learn to fold sleeves correctly.

A beautiful landscape
It's kind of sad that the only nice picture taken of you is one you're not in.

A different picture of you every day
You are the person that brings your camera to every party, lunch meeting and funeral. It's enough - you take too many pictures, Actually, you're not even the one taking any of the pictures, because you're somehow in every picture taken with your own camera. If this were before digital, you'd have spent half your life developing everything " except a personality. Next time, how about doing something boring and NOT documenting it?

You as a kid
"Look, I used to be cute, I promise!"

You with hot girls
Guys, putting up a picture of you with two hot girls will not make the other hot girls in your life run away any less frequently. Girls, stop trying to confuse potential boyfriends into thinking that you're the other girl in the picture.

You, but a professional headshot
This works perfectly, as long as every moment in your life is also airbrushed and creatively lit.

You in a halloween costume
You're very proud of the work you did to morph yourself into a cat or a nurse or a slutty Elvis. But getting attention for it one night of the year is simply not enough for you. Or 3 nights of the year, because you probably wore the costume more than once.

Your pet
Yes, your pet is adorable. But you need to realize that your friends don't care about it nearly as much as you do. This is the equivalent of telling everyone how your fantasy football team did this weekend, or telling someone you don't work with about office politics. They might listen to you, but only because no one better is speaking at the time.

You, but only half of you
Congratulations. A picture of you taken at the exact right angle and carefully photo-shopped looks kind of cute. But no one wants to fuck your eye. Well, I'm sure someone does, but they're a pervert.

No picture
There could be many reasons for this:
1) You have not mastered the intricacies of uploading yet. It's difficult to find the time, between watching General Hospital and making dinner for your grandchildren.
2) You are a conspiracy theorist concerned about your privacy. But for some reason you're still on Facebook. Perhaps you just really love Farmville.
3) You really do look like a silhouette.
4) You are horrifically ugly.

You will know if you're #4 if you have no picture and your only friends are relatives.

If Archie Comics Were Honest

What Your Facebook Status Really Means

I've had enough of the drama!
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.

The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.

"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.

Back on the market!
You recently broke up with a significant other, and are masking your feelings of loneliness by desperately trying to get attention. Especially if it's in front of your ex. By the way, we all know that dude with you in your facebook picture is actually your cousin.

Ugh!
Something insignificant is wrong. Maybe the person you like (but know is a douchebag) is acting like a douchebag. Or maybe you're an overachiever and someone else in your honors class turned in a paper that was half a page longer than yours. Either way, you know deep down that none of this will matter in a year, but you still want sympathy.

I love my friends! You guys are SOOOOO awesome! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!!!
You value people who pretend they are friends with you. If it were not for facebook's birthday reminders, you'd have gotten three happy birthdays and they would have all been from your grandmother.

I can't wait for the summer to be over! I miss everyone!
The summer has become a scary reminder of how bad high school was. With every passing day, you are reminded why you went away to school in the first place.

Whatever
You are pretending to be indifferent about something that clearly bothers you, or you wouldn't have addressed it. Indifference is denoted by silence, not cries for help.

Last night was off the chain! I'd tell you about it, but I'm too drunk to remember!
You're mildly clever. But if last night was truly off the chain, you'd be passed out or hung over, not updating your status at 9:00 AM.

I'm lonely!
This one is embarrassingly honest.

I love cock! I want to blow everyone!
Your account has been hacked. When you check your Facebook in the computer lab, log out.

People More Hated Than Balloon Boy's Father

Now that we're pretty sure the whole balloon boy thing was a hoax, I can't imagine anyone that doesn't hate the asshole father behind it all. I can, however, imagine 10 people we hate more.

10. Whoever green lit "Cop Rock."

9. The blond bad guy from Karate Kid.

8. The Nigerian Finance Minister.

7. The Shoe Bomber.

6. The guy that figured out how to block porn on an office computer.

5. The CEO of AIG.

4. Bill Buckner (In Boston).

3. The first mime.

2. The person that invented Emo.

1. Jon Gosselin.

Top Ten Inconstancies on Saved By The Bell

10) The most obvious inconsistency was the morphing of Zach Morris' Indiana junior high to a California high school. It's hard on a kid to uproot like Zach Morris had to (especially after all the work he did to be a member of the uber-exclusive Rigmas). Of course, transition is easier when you can bring two of your best friends, your principal, and your physical school building. The good news was that the California location enabled the school to be called "Bayside." And that led to that brilliant cheer, "B Ba B Ba Ba Ba B. B Ba B Ba Ba Ba B " Go Bayside!" That must have taken dozens of seconds to write.

9) Speaking of best friends, the show makes reference to Zach and Jessie being friends their whole life. She must have taken 8th grade off because she wasn't around when the show first started. Kind of like the time she took senior year to test pilot season. Uh, I mean model in France. Traveling like that can be so exciting. So exciting. And scary.

8) Zack should be in jail. While we're made to believe he's just an incorrigible prankster, Zack has committed grand theft auto, kidnapping, racketeering, forgery, identity theft, mail fraud, and destruction of public property. The nicest thing he's ever done is cheat on his girlfriend.

7) No one can hold on to a family member for more than two episodes. Perhaps Mr. Belding's hipper younger brother Rod moved back home to Indiana. Maybe Jessie's bastard New Yorker half-brother Eric isn't talking to her anymore despite the gang convincing him to stay at Bayside. Maybe Kelly's parents didn't let her watch her baby brother Billy after Zack lost him. Maybe Zack's powerful yet uncaring father Derek was too busy with mergers and other businessy terms to spend time with him. Maybe Slater's tomboy/bombshell sister JD was sent to a convent. And maybe Kelly's sister Nicki disappeared when writers remembered that Kelly only had brothers. As if the show had writers.

6) Beloved pets don't exist until it's announced that they're beloved. First, there's Screech's parents' prized beagle Hounddog. Screech's parents named the dog in honor of Elvis, who they were such big fans of that they mentioned it in one whole episode. In the hundreds of scenes shot in Screech's room, Hounddog never existed - perhaps Screech's robot Kevin was a bit jealous of Hounddog. The real ridiculous one was Slater's pet chameleon Artie, who only existed in time to die.

"This is the most important thing in my life. I promise. Um, why don't any of you know about it? Well, Maybe there are a lot of things you don't know about me. YOU DON'T CONTROL ME!!!"

By the way, Screech having built his own robot is not an inconsistency. If there's one thing we know about dorky 15-year-olds in the 90s, it's that they can all build robots. Maybe next Screech can build Zach a cell phone smaller than a two-liter bottle (which he somehow kept in his back pocket, while sitting down).

5) Bayside can somehow afford a football team, track team, cheerleading squad, swimming team, oil rigs, auto shop, teen hotline, home ec kitchen, student store, ski trip, water polo team, ROTC, wrestling team, radio station, and yes, a restaurant. They must have saved all that money by only hiring seven teachers. And not building a second floor. 

4) When AC Slater's father was stationed in Germany, Slater apparently was inseparable from fellow army brat and then girlfriend Jennifer. Bayside must be in an army town because Jennifer became a Tiger for an episode. That's right " her father moved her across the world to the same town as her ex-boyfriend. Maybe in the one episode he existed, AC's dad told Jennifer's dad all about how wonderful the school was. What with the a football team, track team, cheerleading squad, oil rigs, auto shop, teen hotline, home ec kitchen, store, ski trip, water polo team, ROTC, wrestling team, radio station, and restaurant. Yes, a restaurant.

3) Mr. Belding has a secretary he keeps paging, yet the door to his office opens directly into the hallway. This door must not lock, since those wacky kids are always sneaking in and switching the files. The school's files, which are efficiently kept in a single, three-drawer filing cabinet. Probably because there are two-dozen students in the entire school and one of them is named Muffin Sangria.

2) Inconsistencies often happened within one episode. This is the least forgivable offense, as episodes really should be written by the people who freaking write them. One example is the gang's murder mystery. At one point, Zack suggests that "the butler did it." About ten minutes later, he refers to Screech saying the butler did it. How did NO ONE on set notice? I can forgive Lark Vorhies; she was probably busy, already planning how to destroy her face with an insane amount of plastic surgery.

And of course, there's the Johnny Dakota anti-drug ad. We see the gang shooting the end of the ad, and then they role the entire thing " but the end of the completed ad looks different than what we just saw. How drugged out do you have to be not to simply use the footage you shot? Come on guys " there's no hope with dope.

1) And speaking of drugs, the most memorable episode of the series was easily Jessie's freak out. Forget about the girls not being able to tell that the Irish old lady janitor was actually Screech. Forget about the fact that the girls suddenly became famous for a crappy ten-years-too-late rip off of "Let's Get Physical." Let's concentrate for a moment on Jessie Spano, the smartest girl in school, freaking out over basic trigonometry. IN HER JUNIOR YEAR. Good math students master trig in 9th grade. And she expected to get into Stansbury (The Harvard of the west). While we're at it, Zack got an impossible 1502 on his SAT. I actually got a 1502 and a half. And boy, was I so excited.

Other Applications of the Five Second Rule

We all know the 5 Second Rule " if food has fallen on the floor for five seconds or less, it's still edible. Because it takes at least five and a half seconds for dirt and bacteria to realize there's any food around to cling to. Why don't you just say what you mean?

"Eating food off the floor is okay, as long as you're hungry and no one has stepped on it."

Tasty? Sure. Logical? Of course not. So I applied that logic to other situations, and I bring you larger scale applications of the five-second rule:

Poisonous Gas and Radiation

As long as you've been exposed to toxic fumes for less than five seconds, you can't get sick or become a zombie. See, if the Incredible Hulk had simply moved out from in front of the military microwave a few seconds earlier, we never would have had two see two horrible movies. Note: Exposure to Hulk movies for even three seconds can be lethal.

Cheating
You didn't cheat on your girlfriend at a party, your tongue just fell in some girl's vagina. No big deal, Brah - it was just a few licks. Just dust it off and put it back in your mouth. Your tongue, not her vagina.

Lightning
Everyone knows that getting hit by lightning for ten or fifteen seconds can kill you. But getting hit for just a few is adorable. It's like rubbing socks on carpet and shocking your friends. Provided your carpet and socks produce 300 kilovolts. Pay no attention to the sound "kill" in that last sentence.

Hate Crimes
What's a little gay bashing and racism between friends? If it's less than five seconds of it, Tom Foolery! Or maybe Tom DeLay, I always get those confused. Anyway, grab your truck and your chain - because if you're considering a hate crime you probably already own a truck and a chain. And five seconds of hate speech against democrats is not a hate crime either - it's a promo for Glenn Beck.

Child Abuse
Keeping a kid in a bunker and raping her for 18 years is wrong - but five seconds of torture? What's the harm? Just knocking the kid around with a few swings isn't child abuse - it's a life lesson. They'll thank you for it some day. Provided you haven't also been raped for five seconds by your cellmate.

Cocaine
One sniff can't kill you. Unless you do something that can kill you while you're on cocaine. But the good news is that if you do enough cocaine, everything you do thereafter will take less than five seconds.

Virginity
Everyone knows that losing your virginity is a big deal. But not if you get to keep it! Just have sex for less than five seconds and you've never had sex at all. Pregnancy, STDs, even emotional attachment all take at least six seconds. And sorry if I've confused anyone whose never lasted more than five seconds.

Arson
A few seconds of arson isn't dangerous, it's pretty. As long as the fire doesn't spread, it can't hurt anything. And if there's one thing we know about fire, it's that it rarely spreads. Right, California?

Indecent Exposure
An old guy walking around naked is disgusting. But just flashing some school children? A hilarious prank. An image of a wrinkly nut sack next to a wrinklier thigh needs time to get burned into your memory forever and ever. Like the one you're imagining now.

Sexual Abuse By a Family Member
You can't prosecute anyone if they only raped you briefly. So next time you're haunted by the image of your uncle forcing you to have sex against your will, put down that strip club job application and remind yourself, "five second rule!"