Patience is more important than talent.

New York

“Things aren’t so great in New York City. They no longer have planes and trains and cars. Please don’t walk here. Sincerely, Delilah.”

Glad

I am so glad that earthquake didn’t happen on the one day in my life I was high.

Holy hell, so many of you have been sending kind words to @Watchgang on IG that they decided to fund a 2nd grant. They just sent ANOTHER $1K to the Martin Foundation, which will go directly towards out of work comedians. (If you wanna keep thanking them, please do!)

Names

When I have to spell "Hofstetter" over the phone, it usually takes a few tries. Today was a first - I had to spell "Steve" 4 times before the guy got it.

Caulk

There was a crack in the seal below my toilet, so water started leaking. I caulked it and it worked, and I am both disproportionately proud and also have a huge desire to go around my house and seal stuff.

Holy hell, I have sold 135 tickets for my online stand-up show in under an hour, and climbing. And the Australians aren't even awake yet! Assuming the tech works the way we've tested it, we may have found a new way for comedians to tour. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/nowhere-comedy-club-30049882972

Last year, I found a genie. Since I'm a touring comedian, I wished for gas under $1 a gallon, no traffic anywhere, and millions of people bored at home, desperately wanting a night out. That genie is an asshole.

One day

I see so many people on social media writing about how bored they are. Some of these same people used to talk about how one day they’d write a novel or clean the garage or learn Spanish. Well, it’s one day, mother fucker. Ante up. 

Census

Maybe this is not the best time to be sending out census forms to bored couples stuck at home. "How many people in my household? You mean currently or in 9 months?"

Twitch

I'm going to be doing some streaming on Twitch, too. If you're there, give me a follow. https://www.twitch.tv/stevehofstetter

Tests

‪How exactly does a coronavirus test work? Is it a mouth swab or a needle, and at what point do they ask you your net worth?‬

Dear "Steps" app. Shut the fuck up. Now is not the time.

Scared

The thing that scares me the most about all of this is seeing my screen time report. 

Posting

I picked a pretty good time to be 4 months ahead in my content schedule. I will still be posting new videos to my YouTube and Facebook 6 days a week. If you would have bought a ticket to a show, just share my content with your friends. It's free, and helps just as much.

There will

There will come a day where I'll have a bad-smelling uber driver during rush hour traffic to LAX, where an hour line leads to the TSA grabbing my balls so I can make my delayed flight with a middle seat before a rental car mix-up. And I will be smiling the entire time.

Oh. No.

I was just thinking I was getting a handle on this quarantine thing and then my neighbor decided now would be a great time to start learning how to play piano. 

Dogs

You know all those apocalyptic movies where the heroes have their trusty dog friend? Gotta be tough when the dog needs to poop and there are zombies, like, right outside. 

Spoons

I dated a woman who made fun of me for owning my own set of ramen spoons. "When would you ever have occasion to eat that much soup at home?" Well, checkmate.

Investing

Is there an online therapy website looking for investors? In two weeks, y’all are going to be making more than Netflix.